your input please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2003
your input please?
7
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:46am
I've been lurking here recently and have seen a lot of wisdom and decency in the posts. This is why I'd like to share my story which I posted in another board...i'd very much appreciate your input. So here goes:

Hey all - first time here.

My guy and I have been together for about 8 months, but prior to that we'd known each other another two-plus years. Problem is, he's a lot slower than I am to get serious. When we first met, we hit it off right away and dated for about 9 months, but he wouldn't commit to an exclusive relationship. I ended it then because I was tired of waiting for him to make up his mind about me, and felt he had more than sufficient time to do so...I was afraid of getting hooked emotionally and then getting hurt. Then a year went by where essesntially I got into another serious relationship (which obvioiusly ended badly), while he basically started regretting 'letting me go' (and told me in so many words). Fastforward to 8 months ago, he tried to start the dating thing again and I clearly told him that wasn't going to work for me, if he wanted to date me it'd have to be in an exclusive relationship, since we'd done the casual date thing before, extensively IMHO! Now that we've been doing this this long, I know what I want and I have made it clear to him (the white picket fence scenario). He on the other hand, once again claims he's not sure if he wants the same thing, and gets all stressed out whenever I bring up the subject. As it is he feels that I'm encroaching on his lifestyle I guess. He's been living alone for so long he can't fathom sharing his home, let alone with a female! I'm tired of seeing him only twice a week or so (we live 30 minutes away and besides we're both pretty busy with work, etc) and simply want more. I want to see him every night even if we're both exhausted - I want him to move in, and he knows this, yet continues to avoid the discussion other than to say he's not sure.

On the other hand, he's handsome, sweet, wise, witty, loving to me and my daughter, generous, affectionate, a good friend, responsible, and a bunch of other things I not only admire but WANT in a partner...and I've been around long enough to know how hard all that is to find!

So should I hang in there? Give him an ultimatum? Cut my losses and break up now? Or...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 11:46am
sounds like he's happy just being a bachelor.

no, i don't think you should give him an ultimatum- he's likely to feel resentment if he does *give in*, you can't make people feel what they don't feel. he's saying he's not ready for commitment, now is that with ANYONE, or just YOU? nothing changed from the last time you two went out, so why did you expect they would? i think he's just going to keep things the way they are as long as you allow it. you two have been together OVER a year and a half total- he should definetly know by now if you're the *ONE*.

don't allow yourself to be strung along.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:07pm
Let me guess? Your SO has never been married and has no kids, right? How do I know this? I just ended a relationship with the same kind of man. I was ready for the next step. I was ready for a commitment. But when pressed, his reply was always "he's confused" and he didn't know what he wanted.

You said "I'm tired of seeing him only twice a week or so (we live 30 minutes away and besides we're both pretty busy with work, etc) and simply want more. I want to see him every night even if we're both exhausted - I want him to move in, and he knows this, yet continues to avoid the discussion other than to say he's not sure." You have every right to feel this way. You have a right to want what you want and expect to find it. I felt the same way.

You also said "On the other hand, he's handsome, sweet, wise, witty, loving to me and my daughter, generous, affectionate, a good friend, responsible, and a bunch of other things I not only admire but WANT in a partner" I can totally relate to this Mark (my ex) was all those things you mentioned and more, and he was also everything I wanted in a partner. When your SO has all those good qualities, it's a lot harder to walk away. But you have to look at it this way, he has a lot of good qualities, but he lacks the most important one -- the ability to commit.

Please know that there is nothing wrong with you. It's not you, it's him. You were always clear with him in what you wanted. And his responses were that he didn't know. There's really nothing else you can do.

Please don't take this as me being harsh, because I'm not trying to be. I just want to relay to you my experience because it sounds really similar. Like I said, this is extremely hard to do, but I think you would be better off to walk away, put him behind you and look to your future. Yes, it hurts, and it will for a while. I'm still not totally over Mark. I walked away because I know I want to be with someone that truly wants to be with me, and even though it might take a long time to find that person, I'm going to try. I just got tired of waiting and not getting my needs met (not seeing him when I wanted to). You deserve so much better than what he is giving you. Believe me, I'm not a know-it-all. These are all words that were said to me from the other great people on this board. And at first it's hard to swallow. But as time goes by, you will realize, as I did, that they are right. Remember, time heals all wounds.

This board is really great. The more you visit or post here, the more you will like it. It is full of very kind and supportive people who have been through just about everything. Sometimes when we are in a situation, we can't see it clearly. But someone who is not involved can see things that we miss. That's why I responded to you. I just lived the same experience. I really didn't want to let go, but I knew in my heart that things would never change. You have spent a lot of time with your SO. I believe enough time for him to be able to make a commitment. I'm not knocking bachelors, but I think it is harder for bachelors to give up their freedom and make a commitment. Since my divorce, I dated three "never been married, no kids" men -- and they all lacked the ability to commit. Kind of a coincidence, don't you think?

Good luck to you. Give yourself time to grieve this relationship and look toward your future. Post here when things get tough and you need some support.

Donna



iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:30pm
We need more info - how old are you? Why do you live 30 minutes apart - is this necessary for work? What is his relationship history?

While I think you are being excessive with wanting to see him every night if you are both exhausted, I know I would not be happy with 2 times per week in a serious phase, after casual dating and I would want exclusivity eventually, too. Or maybe you are saying you want to live with him so you can see him more.

I don't really believe in living together - I feel that makes it harder when you have children in the picture and especially since you want to get married.

Anyway, I will wait to see your answers to my questions. Welcome to our board!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 1:23pm
Welcome to the board.

Please, please, please, get the idea of living with this man - who is uncomfortable agreeing to be exclusive, who "claims he's not sure if he wants the same thing, and gets all stressed out whenever I bring up the subject.", and who "continues to avoid the discussion other than to say he's not sure." COMPLETELY out of your head. That will only lead to disaster.

I think he's sure. He's sure that this relationship, right now, is exactly how he wants it to be. He doesn't want more. And if he did, he would be seeking it and getting it. The kind of relationship YOU want is NOT the kind of relationship HE wants, and I think he's making that abundantly clear to you through his actions. He won't express that to you in WORDS, because he's happy with things the way they are and realizes full well if he tells you "I never want to move in. I don't want to see you more often. I don't see myself ever getting married" that you would hit the road.

YOU need to sit down and decide what it is that YOU want. If he is NOT willing to share with you in what YOU want, he is NOT the man for you. At all. You say he is the things you WANT in a partner. Not really. I would imagine YOU WANT someone WHO WANTS, DESIRES and VALUES the same things you do. He does not. He would be "perfect" "if only he would . . ."

And yes, good men that want and value the same things you do ARE hard to find, but they ARE out there. I just celebrated my first wedding anniversary a few weeks ago with a VERY GOOD man.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 1:05pm

Hi Barbara


Sorry I'm so late in responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 6:15pm
Hey Tara,

Just curious - how long have your neighbors been broken up? I am curious to see if he realizes what he lost and ponies up to her wishes - keep us posted, please!!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 7:59pm

Hi


Actually, it's only been (as far as I know) a month.