your language of love

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
your language of love
16
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 8:30am

Hello all,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 9:56am

Oh yes - everything has changed with regards to my outlook, behavior and expectations when I was in my 20s.

I used to think a guy had to be just like me and be my best friend - which is sort of good. But I didn't realize that it all had to be more about him wanting to please me than me pleasing him - or at least equal. I used to only worry about pleasing him. That landed me in a very ugly one way street of a marriage that I ended about 7 years ago.

Since then, I have learned that there are a lot of very selfish men out there and ones that are not that into you. Also, situations have changed - two people maybe very compatible but their situations might prevent anything long lasting from occuring.

But the most important lesson is that a person is the sum of all their actions - not just their words. I look for strength of character and kindness and the things that will fuel a happy long term relationship for a long time.

GREAT question!! I know Shrimps will have a good answer - I always love her comparisons of herself as she has aged for what she used to look for and do way back when versus now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 12:28pm

What a great question!


I think about this a lot.

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 12:46pm

This is pretty intersting ....quite telling!


http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp


~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2007
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 2:11pm

I don't think you shouldn't want those "teenager" type things. Its more about who you are with then what you expect based on age.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 3:50pm

So do you feel your needs for what makes you feel "in love" has changed from 20s to 30s and later?


How did you change ? Like, have you always been a card giving, gift giving person ( which many would say unnecessary and shallow) or have you been the kind who does a lot for your SO but says very few "I love yous".


Lastly do you still expect those feelings when you had (when you were in first love ) to happen now after many years?


Ohhhh, yes- it has changed. ALOT.


When I ws in my 20's, I thought I had to have that "in love" feeling all the time. I thought that once I didn't FEEL that high anymore- that it meant I must've fallen out of love and something was wrong. Now I know that is SOO untrue! I now know that I can't expect that "in love" high to last and last and last. It just CAN'T. Now I know that while I might have moments of that, I don't expect it to stay high. And because I don't feel it all the time, I know the love is still there.


I also used to believe that when you loved someone, you'd want to spend all your time together. I used to get upset at my boyfriend because he wanted some time with his friends. Just doing guy stuff like playing cards or tossing around a football. Nothing harmful or dangerous or in any way, unacceptable... but I felt like if we were a couple, we should do everything together and that whole train of thought ruined the relationship. Now I see that just because you are dating (or married) that you DON'T have to (nor should you want to) spend ALL your time together. I know now, that a healthy couple can and will still have separate activities, as long as those activities don't break any trust/commitment rules for the couple.


Now, if I dated a man who wanted to spend every spare moment together, I would end up feeling smothered. Funny how my outlook has turned around so much. But I know that old viewpoint was just plain UNHEALTHY. No one should be that dependent on someone else!


I used to think that the little cards and love letters and gifts had to be there, too. (I was SO needy!!!! Ugh!) But now I realize that the cute cards and gifts are neat, and I still love getting them... but to NOT get them, doesn't mean that the man doesn't love me. It's just that gift-giving might not be a Love Language of his- and he shows his love in another way. But way-back-when... I felt that being in love meant you HAD to show it by doing the love letters, cards and gifts.


Did I say N-E-E-D-Y?!??


It really helped me alot, to read the Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. It really opened my eyes, and recommend it for ALL couples. In the past, I expected my boyfriend to show his love in MY language. Now I know that although it would still be nice if he could show love in my language- part of my responsibility is to also recogize what HIS love languages are- so I can recognize it when he shows me love. And so I know how to "speak" his language too,

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-17-2007 - 6:31pm
I just think you are able to explain this really well. Round of applause!! :-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 8:48am

Thanks to all of you. That was a great discussion.


I am trying to accept (like Shrimps) that people DO have different languages in love and I agree with pacific in that there should "still" be a magic and I have to tell cl-west that I and you seemed to have similar first relationships in that he was exactl like me but then both of us ended up "loving him" and I spend a lot of yrs focusing on him..and he even hardly noticed that my cild bearing age is going by fast.. and I had to jump out to rescue myself..


My current guy is not much of a talker but he does things is physically affectionate and very attentive. We both focus on each other. I know we still have

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 2:37pm

My current guy is not much of a talker but he does things is physically affectionate and very attentive. We both focus on each other. I know we still have

~Pacific~
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2004
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 2:50pm
I honestly don't know what my language of love is. After reading this post the other day, I've thought about it on and off and honest to goodness, I don't have an answer which is making me feel really funky. Of course I like attention and affection, both physical and mental, but after this last relationship I didn't like a whole lot (he went overboard), which is what I thought I wanted. Turns out it wasn't. In my marriage I didn't get very much of either at all. It's almost like I need a happy medium that I possibly could have trouble finding.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2007
Thu, 10-18-2007 - 2:59pm

This is a neat test you can take to find your love language. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/14282804904723365116/UPDATED-Love-Language


I took it, and it's pretty good. there are other love language test on the web as well but this one's pretty fast.


~Pacific~

~Pacific~

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