Oh yes - everything has changed with regards to my outlook, behavior and expectations when I was in my 20s.
I used to think a guy had to be just like me and be my best friend - which is sort of good. But I didn't realize that it all had to be more about him wanting to please me than me pleasing him - or at least equal. I used to only worry about pleasing him. That landed me in a very ugly one way street of a marriage that I ended about 7 years ago.
Since then, I have learned that there are a lot of very selfish men out there and ones that are not that into you. Also, situations have changed - two people maybe very compatible but their situations might prevent anything long lasting from occuring.
But the most important lesson is that a person is the sum of all their actions - not just their words. I look for strength of character and kindness and the things that will fuel a happy long term relationship for a long time.
GREAT question!! I know Shrimps will have a good answer - I always love her comparisons of herself as she has aged for what she used to look for and do way back when versus now.
So do you feel your needs for what makes you feel "in love" has changed from 20s to 30s and later?
How did you change ? Like, have you always been a card giving, gift giving person ( which many would say unnecessary and shallow) or have you been the kind who does a lot for your SO but says very few "I love yous".
Lastly do you still expect those feelings when you had (when you were in first love ) to happen now after many years?
Ohhhh, yes- it has changed. ALOT.
When I ws in my 20's, I thought I had to have that "in love" feeling all the time. I thought that once I didn't FEEL that high anymore- that it meant I must've fallen out of love and something was wrong. Now I know that is SOO untrue! I now know that I can't expect that "in love" high to last and last and last. It just CAN'T. Now I know that while I might have moments of that, I don't expect it to stay high. And because I don't feel it all the time, I know the love is still there.
I also used to believe that when you loved someone, you'd want to spend all your time together. I used to get upset at my boyfriend because he wanted some time with his friends. Just doing guy stuff like playing cards or tossing around a football. Nothing harmful or dangerous or in any way, unacceptable... but I felt like if we were a couple, we should do everything together and that whole train of thought ruined the relationship. Now I see that just because you are dating (or married) that you DON'T have to (nor should you want to) spend ALL your time together. I know now, that a healthy couple can and will still have separate activities, as long as those activities don't break any trust/commitment rules for the couple.
Now, if I dated a man who wanted to spend every spare moment together, I would end up feeling smothered. Funny how my outlook has turned around so much. But I know that old viewpoint was just plain UNHEALTHY. No one should be that dependent on someone else!
I used to think that the little cards and love letters and gifts had to be there, too. (I was SO needy!!!! Ugh!) But now I realize that the cute cards and gifts are neat, and I still love getting them... but to NOT get them, doesn't mean that the man doesn't love me. It's just that gift-giving might not be a Love Language of his- and he shows his love in another way. But way-back-when... I felt that being in love meant you HAD to show it by doing the love letters, cards and gifts.
Did I say N-E-E-D-Y?!??
It really helped me alot, to read the Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. It really opened my eyes, and recommend it for ALL couples. In the past, I expected my boyfriend to show his love in MY language. Now I know that although it would still be nice if he could show love in my language- part of my responsibility is to also recogize what HIS love languages are- so I can recognize it when he shows me love. And so I know how to "speak" his language too,
Thanks to all of you. That was a great discussion.
I am trying to accept (like Shrimps) that people DO have different languages in love and I agree with pacific in that there should "still" be a magic and I have to tell cl-west that I and you seemed to have similar first relationships in that he was exactl like me but then both of us ended up "loving him" and I spend a lot of yrs focusing on him..and he even hardly noticed that my cild bearing age is going by fast.. and I had to jump out to rescue myself..
My current guy is not much of a talker but he does things is physically affectionate and very attentive. We both focus on each other. I know we still have
My current guy is not much of a talker but he does things is physically affectionate and very attentive. We both focus on each other. I know we still have
I honestly don't know what my language of love is. After reading this post the other day, I've thought about it on and off and honest to goodness, I don't have an answer which is making me feel really funky. Of course I like attention and affection, both physical and mental, but after this last relationship I didn't like a whole lot (he went overboard), which is what I thought I wanted. Turns out it wasn't. In my marriage I didn't get very much of either at all. It's almost like I need a happy medium that I possibly could have trouble finding.
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Oh yes - everything has changed with regards to my outlook, behavior and expectations when I was in my 20s.
I used to think a guy had to be just like me and be my best friend - which is sort of good. But I didn't realize that it all had to be more about him wanting to please me than me pleasing him - or at least equal. I used to only worry about pleasing him. That landed me in a very ugly one way street of a marriage that I ended about 7 years ago.
Since then, I have learned that there are a lot of very selfish men out there and ones that are not that into you. Also, situations have changed - two people maybe very compatible but their situations might prevent anything long lasting from occuring.
But the most important lesson is that a person is the sum of all their actions - not just their words. I look for strength of character and kindness and the things that will fuel a happy long term relationship for a long time.
GREAT question!! I know Shrimps will have a good answer - I always love her comparisons of herself as she has aged for what she used to look for and do way back when versus now.
What a great question!
I think about this a lot.
This is pretty intersting ....quite telling!
http://www.greaterquest.com/LoveLanguages.asp
I don't think you shouldn't want those "teenager" type things. Its more about who you are with then what you expect based on age.
So do you feel your needs for what makes you feel "in love" has changed from 20s to 30s and later?
How did you change ? Like, have you always been a card giving, gift giving person ( which many would say unnecessary and shallow) or have you been the kind who does a lot for your SO but says very few "I love yous".
Lastly do you still expect those feelings when you had (when you were in first love ) to happen now after many years?
Ohhhh, yes- it has changed. ALOT.
When I ws in my 20's, I thought I had to have that "in love" feeling all the time. I thought that once I didn't FEEL that high anymore- that it meant I must've fallen out of love and something was wrong. Now I know that is SOO untrue! I now know that I can't expect that "in love" high to last and last and last. It just CAN'T. Now I know that while I might have moments of that, I don't expect it to stay high. And because I don't feel it all the time, I know the love is still there.
I also used to believe that when you loved someone, you'd want to spend all your time together. I used to get upset at my boyfriend because he wanted some time with his friends. Just doing guy stuff like playing cards or tossing around a football. Nothing harmful or dangerous or in any way, unacceptable... but I felt like if we were a couple, we should do everything together and that whole train of thought ruined the relationship. Now I see that just because you are dating (or married) that you DON'T have to (nor should you want to) spend ALL your time together. I know now, that a healthy couple can and will still have separate activities, as long as those activities don't break any trust/commitment rules for the couple.
Now, if I dated a man who wanted to spend every spare moment together, I would end up feeling smothered. Funny how my outlook has turned around so much. But I know that old viewpoint was just plain UNHEALTHY. No one should be that dependent on someone else!
I used to think that the little cards and love letters and gifts had to be there, too. (I was SO needy!!!! Ugh!) But now I realize that the cute cards and gifts are neat, and I still love getting them... but to NOT get them, doesn't mean that the man doesn't love me. It's just that gift-giving might not be a Love Language of his- and he shows his love in another way. But way-back-when... I felt that being in love meant you HAD to show it by doing the love letters, cards and gifts.
Did I say N-E-E-D-Y?!??
It really helped me alot, to read the Love Languages book by Gary Chapman. It really opened my eyes, and recommend it for ALL couples. In the past, I expected my boyfriend to show his love in MY language. Now I know that although it would still be nice if he could show love in my language- part of my responsibility is to also recogize what HIS love languages are- so I can recognize it when he shows me love. And so I know how to "speak" his language too,
~shrimpy
"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.
~<
Thanks to all of you. That was a great discussion.
I am trying to accept (like Shrimps) that people DO have different languages in love and I agree with pacific in that there should "still" be a magic and I have to tell cl-west that I and you seemed to have similar first relationships in that he was exactl like me but then both of us ended up "loving him" and I spend a lot of yrs focusing on him..and he even hardly noticed that my cild bearing age is going by fast.. and I had to jump out to rescue myself..
My current guy is not much of a talker but he does things is physically affectionate and very attentive. We both focus on each other. I know we still have
My current guy is not much of a talker but he does things is physically affectionate and very attentive. We both focus on each other. I know we still have
This is a neat test you can take to find your love language. http://www.okcupid.com/tests/14282804904723365116/UPDATED-Love-Language
I took it, and it's pretty good. there are other love language test on the web as well but this one's pretty fast.
~Pacific~
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