The "where do we stand/what's our title?" talk...bad idea??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2012
The "where do we stand/what's our title?" talk...bad idea??
4
Tue, 06-05-2012 - 12:03am

So I've been dating this wonderful guy for about 4 1/2 months now.  About 1 1/2 months in, he told me he was not looking for a gf or a serious relationship but he was willing to see where it leads and what happens. He did not openly say much more than this, but it took me by surprise bc he sure was acting as if he wanted me to be his gf.  Anyway, It's been 4 1/2 months now of seeing him every single wkend (the entire wkend) he's only gone out with his friends about 2 times over the span of 4 months.  I talk to him often throughout the day , every single day. He texts me in the morning with a nice message etc.  He has always been the one to first make contact, mostly.  I have met mostly all of his friends (best friends) and he invited me to his sister's party to meet her and his brother in law.  He also mentioned he wants to go away with me next month to visit his sister.  He speaks about some future events to do together etc.  His friends know all about me and he acts very affectionate. I haven't met his folks yet.

So, here is my question... We have not had another "where do we stand/what are you looking for/are we exclusive" talk. I'm very afraid to bring it up bc every place I have read says DO NOT bring it up and it will scare him away. Right now, I'm completely happy with this man.  He is so attentive, loving and we have not had any type of miscommunication or argument yet.  It seems to be moving along so nicely and I can see in his eyes that he might love me, as I feel I am falling hard for him. I'm afraid that I COULD get hurt , though, since we haven't had a talk.  How do I bring up anything at all without scaring him away or pressuring him? Or should I just wait and go with the flow and wait to see if he says "I love you" first? It seems to be progressing so nicely so I"m afraid to screw anything up by opening up my mouth. But my goal in life is marriage and children. He's 29 and I'm 37... I know that he would like a family and his friends have children already and are married, but I feel a bit pressured myself to just know where I stand. 


I should also add that he broke up with his gf of 7 years, 3 years ago. So this makes me believe he is capable of commitment, even though in the beginning he said he isn't looking for one.  But he sure as heck is acting like my serious bf, even to the point where his friends call me his gf in front of him etc.  I really don't think he is seeing anyone else at all or has the desire to, since we spend all our time together. 

Should I just assume by his actions that I'm his girlfriend? It seems silly to me to even think that I am not, since we act in love and do everything together etc.  Is it possible that I'm changing his mind about at first not wanting to be in a commited relationship?  Do most people usually have an official "title" at 4 months or say I love you by now? 

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2012

If you are happy, leave it be!  This comes from someone who is constantly questioning and wondering what does every little thing mean.  Just leave it alone.  Look at his actions. He has introduced you to his friends, he is sharing his life with you.  He contacts you first. You are not pursuing him.  He is reaching out to you.  Do you need the title of girl friend said out loud?  Will this change things?  He seems to care about you. Okay, he hasn't said those 3 words. Maybe he isn't there yet, but is that horrible?  He wants to be with you, you calls you, texts you and spends the weekends with you AND his friends.  Maybe he isn't saying gf, but when his friends talk about the two of you, they say "X and his GF" went out with us last night.  Are there nights left for him to be seeing someone else?  Does he appear to be looking elsewhere?  Doesn't sound like it, but only you can know. What does your gut tell you?  Do YOU love him?  Maybe he just needs time to trust that when he does say it, you will respond in kind.  There isn't anything you can say or do to help that along, except keep doing what you have been doing.  

Take it from the a recovering "need to know" kind of person, relax and enjoy!  I am working hard at doing this with my current man, and it's working.  He contacts me every morning and says good night each night. If he doesn't, I don't panic.  He was the one who said he was looking at dating other women, yet I see him 3 times a week and talk to him every day.  I am letting him lead where he wants to go with this, and looking at his actions to let me know how he feels.  Men panic when confronted and will either run, or say what they think they should say. Left to their own devices, you can tell how they feel and you can make decisions that are best for you based on that. Of course this is if you are not invovled with a game player and are with a genuine, nice man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2007

Everyone is different - no matter how you cut it.   The issue to me is you're the one who staretd the not lets get serious thing.   If you started it then it should be you to change it.   Tell him you're feeling more serios than you first thought and see where it goes.   If a little seriousness after four months scares him off then well he's probably not the one for a long term relationship anyway.   Just breech it as a little more serious than you once though, no pressure.