WHY is he doing this?

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
WHY is he doing this?
7
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 5:45pm

SHORT version:

I was friends with benefits with guy for 2 1/2 yrs (I'm 37 and he's 39), found out he had a girlfriend all along for 4 yrs, I wanted to end it, he wanted to remain just friends. He was having issues with his GF like he wasnt feeling the excitement, he lost the passion, thus him cheating.  She asked him to move in her place, he said no, preferring to continue living with his parents at 39 yrs old.  He finally moves in with her and I finally meet a guy..  I get dumped because I don't want kids.... tell this to my ex FWB and he asks to have sex with me...  then tells me he still did not get the passion or excitement back - still wants to see me.  

What the hec is his problem?  WHY would he choose to LIVE with her knowing the passion he once had for her has still not returned?  It is sad that he still wants to be with me.  The minute I tell him I am available he jumps at the chance?   And that is not why I texted him.  I was honestly venting.  Its  a pain to spend time with someone only to discover you feel differently about children.  So I also said in my text "I hope you and your GF have a boy.  He's gonna be cute like you"

 

LONG version:

I was friends with benefits with this guy for 2 1/2 years before I decided to add him to my Facebook.  We didn't talk about it, but I just did it on the spur of the moment one night.  So his profile was public and I saw tons of pics with him and his girlfriend....  fine.... he was cheating on her with me.   I wasn't supposed to like him, but I did and felt shocked and heartbroken.  I met him on a dating website and he was getting really flirty with me in the 3rd or 4th email and I had to ask "Don't tell me you want FWB?  That's what it sounds like."  I thought I could handle being with him while still looking for guys to date.

When I WAS dating, which was not alot,  I let my FWB know and we had a break... but after things didn't work out with the other guys, I always let him know I was available again...  of course thishappened before I found out he had a GF all along.

When we first met, he said he lived with his parents implying he'd have to come to my place - important to remember for later on.

So when I told my FWB about the Facebook - GF thing I was mad at him because I felt bad for his GF - I felt like I knew her after seeing all those pics of her with him. LOL.  Plus I'm a girl just like her and this could've been me in her shoes.   But at this point,  my FWB and I had become friends almost 3 yrs into the FWB thing so he felt comfortable telling me that he joined the dating website because he was losing the passion with his GF - at that point they were dating 4 years. I guess this is normal for guys to feel like this after dating so long.  

He was really open about it and said things like when he's not with her, he doesnt' miss her. He texts me more than he texts her from work.  Plus... he always spent the night at my place on Fridays when his GF had "Girls night out" - so I said to him "So you had sex with me Saturday AM and then with her at night. You pig!!!"  Then he was like "No, probably not, we dont' have sex much anymore.  I told you I'm losing the passion for her"

Then all of a sudden it dawned on me!!!!!  He told me he was still living with his parents when we first met.  Turns out his GF asked him to move in with her, but he always said no. She asked him more than once, too.  This could've been a lie but there were nights when we had text conversations back and forth for an hour non-stop - and he sent me pics from his phone.  I highly doubt he could've gotten away with this if he was living with his GF back then.

So I couldn't be with him knowing he has a GF,  but then on the other hand, I couldn't just say goodbye to a 2 1/2 year friendship by sending a text message.  I wanted to hug him and say goodbye in person ......turns out he wanted to remain friends...    I said ok (dont know why - still kinda liked him at this point).... but just my luck, I met a guy!!!!  When I told this to my ex FWB  right away he wanted to know who was better in bed... funny....  3 months later he decided to move in with his GF.  At this point I saw no need to be his friend anymore and had no problem saying bye via texting.... he refused......  fine then, I didnt' care.  Maybe if something came up btwn my  BF and I, it was nice knowing I could get a guy's opinion. I really don't have any guy friends who I'm close with and who I can talk about sex with.

BTW, I'm 37 and my ex FWB is almost 40 (yeah he was still living with his parents at 39 yrs old!!! - he JUST moved in with his GF a few months ago).  My BF is 38 and he really wants children...  I am undecided so he dumped me......  so when I was telling this to my ex FWB (big mistake on my part - I know but it's nice to take a break while at work to text him) - I said "I'm so pissed, f--k, f--k, f--k!!!!"  He replied and said "Sorry to hear that.  Wanna f--k?"  I thought he was joking so I replied "ha ha, you're funny"  Then he replied "I'm serious".

I thought all his issues with his GF and losing the passion for her were resolved when he made the decision to move in with her. Apparently not.  I felt obligated to help him and texted him quoting some expression I heard and then giving him advice, like passion isn't everything.  He never replied to my texts (which he always does) - so finally I gave up and waited until 10 minutes before he left work .  I said "Joe, you're my friend and I feel sorry you are having these issues with your GF.  I dont know why I keep worrying about you.  You don't seem to care so this is my final goodbye.  Goodbye"  He replied and still wants to be friends!!!!!!!!! He was like "No.  I gotta catch the train, TTYl8tr"    What the hec is his problem?  I"m **NOT** texting him again!!! 

WHY would he choose to LIVE with her knowing the passion he once had for her has still not returned?  It is sad that he still wants to be with me.  The minute I tell him I am available he jumps at the chance?   And that is not why I texted him.  I was honestly venting.  Its  a pain to spend time with someone only to discover you feel differently about children.  So I also said in my text "I hope you and your GF have a boy.  He's gonna be cute like you"

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 8:56pm

NO I can't understand why a guy would move in w/ his GF when he only feels so-so about her & says the passion is gone already--why doesn't he break up w/ her & try to find someone he is more compatible with?  I guess only he can answer that question.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 08-19-2012 - 9:30pm

Hi 

Welcome to the board.

   Let's see If I have this right.  FWB I'll call 1 and another FWB 2.  You broke up with #1 because he wanted children & U do not. #2 has a GF that he is now living with but is sexually with you.  Now that too is broken.

Why would he stay with the GF and have sex with you?

  In a word comfort. 

 

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 4:07pm

Why is he doing this?

Two reasons, he is a CAD and you are letting him.

Get out of that toxic relationship.  Chances are if he dumped her and moved you in he would have a FWB on the side of that and telling her the same thing he tells you!