Abandonment issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Abandonment issues
8
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 8:56pm
How does someone date again with a fresh perspective, when they have been abandoned in the past by other lovers/boyfriends? I've had boyfriends "disappear" all of a sudden on me, in the past, and it scares me too much that it will happen again. And its hard to be in a new relationship because all I can think is, when will he disappear?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-17-2003 - 10:08pm
Look at those relationships - find the patterns and similarities in those partners...realize that those values that justified their disappearance, were just as evident in other venues and facets of life - you were just ignoring them because they weren't negatively impactive of you at the time.

And then realize "dating" isn't a relationship - it's getting to know someone, letting them get to know you, enjoying the high of being considered delightful and desirable - while realizing it's an emotion not a fact and it's not a goal or a call to action, or a "fact of life".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 1:20pm
Well, I'm not necessarily referring to people who disappear after a few dates. Someone disappearing after a few dates, is no big deal.

I'm talking about men who are involved in serious relationship for many months, or even years, who vanish into thin air one day. And never contact you again. This is scary. What kind of people do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:25pm
Title: And this has happened to you on several occasions?


**"I'm talking about men who are involved in serious relationship for many months, or even years, who vanish into thin air one day. And never contact you again. This is scary. What kind of people do this?"**

That is a very good question, which leads me to agree with Erin / Doubleblade. I'm thinking that such people are so unique that the real question would be, as she says, what is the common thread in these people, and why are you attracted to them? Why does this pattern continue to repeat FOR YOU? What is your role in this?

I have to admit though, another thing that occurs to me is the definition of "vanish into thin air one day". I wouldn't be surprised if my ex-GF said this same thing about me because I didn't "linger". I told her about a month in advance that I was giving thought to ending things, and about a week in advance I told her I decided I would. So the day I left, I left. Maybe she thinks of that as "vanish without a trace", but to me it wasn't - I just didn't entertain any foolish drama. The end was the end.

Again, I think Erin's advice is dead on...its time to ask the question "what am **I** doing that causes this cycle to repeat?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 2:46pm
The kind that are involved and invested in the "benefits of being with you" - rather than with you as a person becuase of objective respect and admiration for you, and a value on "an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative" relationship as something in their lives.

BAsically, if you get with someone and you're so thrilled, entranced, enthralled, and enraptured that they're with you that you do everything THEY want, and you work day and night to provide for their needs and desires, and you live by their standards, and adopt their goals and causes....there is no "you" in that relationship. There's them.

And if they buy into that dynamic...it's because they believe that is "what a relationship is supposed to be." They're supposed to sit on the throne with the crown, barking orders, paying you attention when it pleases or benefits them, and ignoring you when it gratifying them....and you running around all the while serving them and their needs and goals and pursuits.

The reality is....people that believe that is a relationship aren't "healthy or normal". They're wanting "everything they think they're entitled to have" - but they want it at someone else's expense and effort. As long as you're providing better than anybody else, they're going to "feel good" about being with you. But that means "their feelings and their benefits" werealways their goal....and it puts you in charge of their feelings and their benefits. At some point, situations are going to arise you can't control - something catatrosphically bad that makes them "feel horrible" that you can't undo or fix....or something wildly fantastic - that makes them feel so good and so great and so powerful - but it had nothing to do with you.

Either one of those situations triggers the realization - hey, this person I've put in charge of my feelings is "not on the job". If it was anegative situation - it was your job to fix it and when you couldn't - the "reason" they're with you diminishes greatly. They're in this to feel good and benefit and if that's not happening - they're looking at other options. And if the situation was a huge positive - they realize you didn't "provide" it for them, and that means there is someone out there somewhere that is able to provide better for them than you, and they start looking around and when they leave (because new/different - is always going to be perceived as "better" by the emotionally driven) it'll be because they simply found something or someone new/different to provide for them.

That's them...never involved with ou because of you -just the benefits, providership and ease and convenience of what an alliance with you brings to their life.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 7:20pm
>And if they buy into that dynamic...it's because they believe that is "what a relationship is supposed to be." They're supposed to sit on the throne with the crown, barking orders, paying you attention when it pleases or benefits them, and ignoring you when it gratifying them....and you running around all the while serving them and their needs and goals and pursuits.

This explains why some men just up and leave the minute something does not go "their way".

Instead of saying "let's talk about this", they just run away.

When the involvement no longer suits their purposes, they are gone. I live in a big city where a lot of men are very jaded, materialistic, and self-absorbed. My girlfriends have a really hard time dating these men (I myself am involved w/someone right now). The nicest men I've met were often from other places.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 7:01pm
"When the involvement no longer suits their purposes, they are gone."

It may sound a bit blunt, but what's wrong with leaving when you are not getting what you want out of a relationship?

Women blame men for leaving a relationship instead of trying to work it out. Abandoning it without putting in the "real effort". I personally think too many women hang on too long to something that isn't working. Wasting their time and energy with a man who isn't right, rather than putting in more quality time into finding one better suited to them.

If two people aren't really compatible, they can spend *way* too much effort trying to fit peices together that don't match. If you find a person who is a good match, it doesn't really take a ton of effort to make things work out.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 8:08pm
Title: Agreed....(n/t)
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 10:24am
I have felt the same way in relationships, including the current one I am in. I tend to be very insecure, i don't know why because I am a very attractive and intelligent woman. I am working on my insecurities which may stem from my parents divorce and the abandonment that I felt back then is affecting me now, believe it or not. I am just trying to be confident with myself which means that my mate will be too! It is hard cause i catch myself feeling doubt alot but catch it as quickly as I can. Good Luck!