Ahhh, what the hell is up with him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Ahhh, what the hell is up with him?
18
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 7:04pm

Ok, I know some of you know my story (from Ask Mr. Answer Man board) but I figured I'd try to get some "analysis" here.

Was seeing this guy over the summer for 3 months. Casually. He casually dated another woman (his friend) for a month while seeing me. One night he told me about this other woman and said "I'm telling you this b/c I want to end it with her and continue seeing you exclusively." Ok. Well, 4 days later, he dumped me, stating "things are too complicated now," blah, blah, blah. A week later I find out he's dating this other woman.

That was the beginning of September.

Fast forward to now.

He broke up with the other woman. I found out from mutual friends that she broke up with him twice, and then he ended it for the 3rd (and final) time.

I saw him two weeks ago at a party, and I could tell he was trying to get close again (note: he is UBER shy and very non-confrontational, etc. He is not a typical man by any means). Anyway, I thought I was the last to leave the party, but he was waiting for me to walk me to my car. We hadn't spoken as much as a sentence to each other since our "break up" around Labor Day weekend. So, he walked me to my car, hugged me goodbye, and I even though I could tell he may have wanted a kiss, I said goodnight.

Last Saturday, I saw him at another party (for the record, these are adult parties. I am 31, he's 29). As he was getting ready to leave the party, he hugged me goodbye...and held on to me, and asked if I wanted him to stay. I said yes...b/c I DID want him to stay....I've been having feelings all over again for him.

So, he stayed, and we talked and talked and talked. He said, "Let's start over." I said, "yes, I think we should." He said that he wrote me a 2-page letter about all that was going on for the past 2 months, but that he couldn't give it to me. He said that "we" deserved a real chance at a relationship, and he really wanted a second chance. And I really want to give him that second chance. He said there was a lot to talk about...about what happened with the other woman, etc., and all of that. I said that we definitely needed to talk about all of that before we would go forward into anything.

So, all of last week he was very affectionate, very loving, very "all about me," talking to me over email all day long and we went out Thursday and Friday (this past weekend). We also went out Saturday, and we had our "talk" that we've been meaning to have.

Turns out, however, that this other woman (the woman he broke up with) wants to GET BACK with him. And that, apparently, is confusing him. He told me that he wanted to be with me, but he wanted our relationship to be healthy and right from the start, and because of this new "discovery," he doesn't think it would be fair to start anything serious with me. He told me that he needed this upcoming week (he'll be away for Thanksgiving) to think about things and, mainly, how to remain friends with this other woman (they were friends before, and this other woman works with his mother, so it's inevitable they will see each other from time to time).

Ahhh, sorry this is so long. I'm sure I've fallen in love with this man, otherwise I don't think I'd be asking for advice. He is good. He is really is, and he cares about me a lot. He told me that he has "deep feelings" for me and that he wants a real relationship with me, but wants it to be right and work out properly.

So....I'm waiting....? Is this ok? I'm so tired of playing all these games! It's so frustrating. And I'm NOT playing games. I know what I want...it's him. He knows that. And he SAYS I am who he wants. Should I just be PATIENT and wait? My gut is YES. It really is. But am I blind to something? Am I missing something? Why is this so difficult for him?

NOTE: We have NOT been intimate. Ever. He is very of the old gentleman style...very affectionate, very protective, very endearing. We kiss and make out, but that's it.

Yikes, I'm sorry I wrote a novel. He is so worth it to me, and that's why I write for advice. Thanks.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:14am

Wow. So this guy is ready to jerk you around again, and you're going to let him, it sounds like.

What is there to "think about" with the other woman? If he's telling you the truth, what he needs to do is have an honest conversation with her and let her know what the deal is (that he just wants to be friends and is interested in another woman). But it sounds like he wants to jerk her around too.

I don't think he's malicious btw--but his ambivalence and unwillingness to be honest, upfront, clear and straightforward with the women in his life is problematic. He says things and then basically takes them back. How can you trust what he says going forward?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 7:08pm

Sheri...I wrote you back earlier, but it doesn't seem to be showing up. Hmmm.

Ahh, I know all of what you say is true. And you're right, he is jerking both of us around...whether he means to or not (which I don't think he does). He's 100% torn by this. I spoke with him today (all day today at work over email), and basically, in a nutshell, his fear is that "no matter what," he loses one of us. I told him straightforward that yes, this is a risk he has to take, but that the potential love of the "chosen one" (eww, for lack of a better phrase) will be worth that risk, and this risk is something he has to take (unless he chooses neither, which I haven't thought about).

He understands this...which, I suspect, is why this is so hard for him.

But BESIDES that, what should I do if I truly, truly love this man and really think there is a future for us? Yes, I know, I've considered all that's gone on, but my GUT is telling me that he is worth this....turmoil. What do I do? We are going out tomorrow with another mutual friend. Just the three of us. Why? Well, b/c we want to, and we are good friends and going away for Tgiving.

What should I do? Should I bail knowing that there's a 50% chance I'll be cast aside? I just....don't know! Am I entering some kind of "friendship zone," a zone I don't want to be in?

I guess I'm just asking for advice....if he chooses the other woman, then no, I CAN'T remain friends with him. I can't do it. I have enough friends, and don't need any more. I guess I'm scared that he MIGHT think he can't NOT be friends with this other woman, thus choosing her over me.

AHHHH. Sorry. I'm just....confused myself. Sheri....thank you. I appreciate your even taking the time to read my crazy posts.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 8:34pm

Well, he's supposed to make up his mind about what to do over this week while he's away, right? So I suppose it doesn't hurt to give him that long to make up his mind. But I'm still not clear on what the big issue is--if he wants to be with you, then that's what he needs to tell the other woman. And if she can't handle being friends with him on that basis, well, then he needs to suck up the consequences. So yes, he needs to choose--and IMO it's completely unfair of him to put you through this AGAIN. And then there's the whole thing about his past behavior--he made a decision like this before, and then he changed his mind on you. So there's a high risk he'll do that again.

But if you're willing to put up with it, then you are. That's a decision that's up to you. I'd be inclined to say, "call me if and when you are 110% sure you want to try again with me and you've resolved things with her".

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:04pm

Ok, so the worst part about your post is that I AGREE with you and think you're RIGHT. Which really pisses me off! =)

But...tomorrow night...going out with him and our friend. Do I tell him..."no, I can't do this. I can't pretend to just be ok with things even though I miss you and truly WANT to hang out with you." Well, ok, not exactly that, but you know what I mean.

Do you think that, perhaps, he'll "get it" if I tell him those things? Do you think, oh, that maybe he'll make up his mind faster? Will none of it matter? Will it ruin my chance?

I just don't know. Of course I WANT to see him/be with him/touch him/hold him/kiss him (all of which we've been doing for the past week), but.....will NOT going out tomorrow night.....do something? Maybe? Maybe not? Maybe it doesn't matter. This was his idea...to go out. It's not like he's "getting" anything out of it. It's not like we've had sex or anything. Unless, you think that being with me tomorrow might assuage his guilt? I don't know!!

It sucks.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 9:53pm

Well, going tomorrow does pretty much tell him that it's ok with you if he continues to be ambivalent and jerk you around at least for the time being. It's basically you putting the stamp of approval on him "thinking about things".

So that is the reason I would consider not going if I were in your shoes--because I wouldn't want to send the message that he gets to be ambivalent and you will still go out and have fun with him.

But if you're ok with sending that message, then go. Maybe you can live with the ambivalence for another week. That's up to you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 2:01pm
Hi again. I remember your posts from before and just read these last ones. I think if I were you I would tell him that if he really needs to take another week that you dont think you will be as interested in his answer this time around. Of course you might be but the fact is if he did come back and say he wanted you again, I would be forced to only see him and think to myself " I wonder when the next time out will be?" Everyone has a right to have security and peace with the one who loves them. You shouldnt have to constantly be on alert for the next time he decides he needs some time to think things over. In order to be in a relationship with me, this guy would have to be out of his comfort zone by staying with me and us even when things got to him. There are some men and women who leave their partners every time something rocks their personal boat so they can deal with it and hopefully come back when things are smoother. Sure, the ex is back and he has doubts -life will always throw us curveballs of some sort or another but this one is one you have to address. There will always be exes or other women surfacing and wondering if he could give them a try and he needs to have enough faith in himself and his connection to you to not be rocked or swayed by these occurences. How could you feel safe any other way? And you deserve that just like everyone who gives their heart freely does. Also, if this is any indication of how he reacts to life throwing him a curveball, he is not ready to be a partner or bf to anyone right now. You have to be brave enough to walk over a few coals with someone if you are truly going to be there for them through all of life's surprises. I just have to wonder how much of you is already aware that you are worth a lot more than this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 12:37pm

I think you can just lay it on the line for him. "You want a week. You got it. Call me in a week. If I don't hear from you, then I know what the decision was. I like you. I want you in my life. However, I'm not hanging around waiting for you to decide what you want. I will continue to move on with my life and if you want to be part of it, you just let me know".

No, I wouldn't hang out with him in the mean time. It's not worth the pain of re-establishing things, then possibly losing them again.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 6:30pm

He probably wants to take it slowly. you should honor that. Let him get to know you so he can make a judgement of you.

Time will tell, be patient, in the meantime, enjoy him. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 6:35pm

If he continues to want this other woman in his life, move on. He can't make up his mind which one of you is what he wants.

It wouldn't be fair to you to wait too long. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 8:33pm

With all this drama he creates about the other woman and needing her in his life would you ever really feel safe and valued with her in the picture even if he chose you?

Unless he lives with his mother and takes her to work and picks her up I don't see why he would see this woman because she works with his mother.

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