Am I being way too suspicious? (Porn topic)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2012
Am I being way too suspicious? (Porn topic)
9
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 11:40am

Hello All,

I know that I'm not exactly on the right board, but the other one wasn't working for me so I came here. I'm sure I will get just as much insight as I would on the other.

This is pretty simple. SO watches porn on occassion, and sometimes we both watch it together. His porn thing wouldn't bother me at all except for one thing............. I think he has an obsession with black women.

I am not racist at all, my first two children are bi-racial. SO and I are white. Here lately, any porn he watches when I'm NOT home is all black women and when we watch it we rarely see black women. He likes rap, hip-hop music videos and that also has quite a bit of black women showing A LOT. Then when I sit here and think about all of this, I have noticed when we are out shopping or something his eyes steer towards black women also. He seems to prefer chunkier-big busted ladies. I am also a chunkier busty woman, but maybe not as busty as he would like (DD's). 

So my question here really is if I should become concerned or shake it off? I am pregnant with my 4th child and maybe, like I said, am just acting way too suspicious and not thinking right but it really does have me concerned right now. I can't help but think he would rather be with a black woman. I have to mentioned any of this to him and not sure if I should.

Thank you for reading. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 11:49am

I think that just because someone fantasizes about something doesn't mean that he would actually go do something about it in reality.  Do you know if he has ever had a black GF?  Maybe if he was raised that he should not be dating women of other races, there is something "forbidden" about it that is the attraction.  I think porn does stir up insecurities in some women (and I could imagine that it's magnified when you're pregnant).  He obviously chose you & is having children w/ you--if he really wanted to be with a black women, couldn't he have just done that?  Intead he picked you.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 5:09pm

  This reads like a conversation I had with my friend years ago.  She complained that her BF warched Porn with only White women (she is Japanese).  It is what people do.  Gentile people dream of being warriors.  The main thing is that it has nothing to do with you.  Some where there is a woman dreaming of a lover that is seven feet tall while she stands but five.  Such are the ironies of this world.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Sun, 11-25-2012 - 6:23pm

Are you absolutely sure that this is entirely a race issue with him?  Yes he happens to watch quite a bit of porn that happens to feature black women when you're not around.  However what if it isn't so much about the color of their skin, but how they are behaving, dressing, speaking, acting, etc?  I've had more than a few guy friends tell me one of the things they find hottest about women in porn is the level of confidence in how sexy they are, how dirty they get, and how comfortable they are with their sexuality.  Sometimes there can be racial or ethnic connections to those qualities and sometimes not.

Suppose for your bf it is about the fact that the women in the porn happen to be black.  Black women may be forbidden fruit to him and perhaps he never tried dating one because of childhood experiences, family pressure, religious teachings, lack of opportunity, or maybe he tried and was repeatedly shot down.  Regardless using porn to explore that fantasy is a healthy way to do it and he may watch that type of porn when you're not around to avoid making you feel insecure.   

Now it doesn't sound like your bf is down on you about your appearance at all, nor does it sound like he's telling you that he wants to bail.  You 2 are actively using porn to spice up your sex life so it seems he plans on sticking around.  You could always inquire about his interest in a casual way and he'll probably tell you that he finds those women hot, but he's always hotter for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2012
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 7:09am

Thank you for your replies. Smile

I am trying to see everyone's point of view here, it's just complicated at the moment. I agree with a poster about the "forbidden" aspect. His family is anti-black, which is unfortunate since I have bi-racial children (though their appearance's look white). Probably if they looked more black that would be different. SO did date a black woman once a few years ago, but he said that she was way too b*tchy I guess and that only lasted a week at most. Once in a while he will bring up the subject that too many black women have attitudes and that he doesn't understand how anyone could date them. A few months ago (long story short) I caught my SO on a dating site and trying to exchange photos with.............. You guessed it.............. A black woman. Their physical appearance though seems to be an attraction, painfully obvious at that. It is all so confusing! Foot in Mouth

Well, whatever it is, I just hope his fantasies do not become reality. I know he loves me very much and is going to be father to two children soon. 

Thank you all.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 12:13pm

A few months ago (long story short) I caught my SO on a dating site and trying to exchange photos with.............. You guessed it.............. A black woman. 

I don't know what the long story to this is, but it sounds problematic to me. Being on a dating site is quite different than having fantasies while watching porn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Mon, 11-26-2012 - 2:41pm
Wait a second. It is one thing to know your SO is watching porn with women who look nothing like you, but it is a completely different thing to catch your SO on a dating site communicating with another woman. The latter is a problem and you should be concerned about that. Since he is in a committed relationship with you there is no other explanation for why he would be communicating with a woman on a dating site or even have a profile on a dating site in the first place other than he is actively looking for someone. That is the issue you need to be addressing, not his porn habit. I recall you mentioning being pregnant earlier and I would say before the new addition arrives you need to find out if your SO is as committed to your relationship as you are.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 6:44am

Thank you all for your replies.

Well, in late July of this year, I found my SO on fling.com. He would've gotten away with it had he emptied his email more thoroughly. I found the link to the site and he changed his age (-3 years), location (nearby) and was apparently single. He had just made the account 2 days prior to when I found it. Not only was this heartbreaking, I ended up looking through every email folder and found something in his sent file. It was a Craigslist thing, but I couldn't tell you what exactly. He had sent two photos of himself to someone (it wouldn't let me see who) and one of the two pictures were a picture of his "manhood," which obviously shocked the hell out of me. I don't know how long he's had the Craigslist exactly, but know he's used it in the past to find a job (which I explained to him was a bad idea).

When I confronted him, he basically told me that he was "bored" and "stressed out" with work, family life, etc, and it was his source of "escape." Also said it was a "dumb guy thing" he did. His family is, besides with the kids and I, are very demanding and need his help all the time (they're elderly). There are also 3 kids here, 4 here soon and supposedly everything got too stressful. 

Before I forget, he admitted that although he did not know the person from Craigslist he sent the pictures to, he did say it was a black woman.

He apologized and seemed to be very sorry. His grandmother and I are very close and I told her what had happened. She was shocked too and really let him have it. He cancelled that fling.com account, changed his email and even changed his phone number, admitting he had given that out as well. He said he would never do Craigslist again either. Since then, I have not noticed anything bad, unless you count what I've said previously about the porn, music videos and gawking in public. 

Still, that whole thing back in the summer still nags me in the back of my head. His excuse was very lame. He needed that "ego boost" or something and I hate it when guys say that's just what they do. Other than that incident he is a very good dad and support person and is almost always here at home, if not with his other family which they confirm he's there. 

Yes, long story but maybe this will help more. You can see where I am concerned about a black woman obsession now. 

 Thank you for taking the time to read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2009
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 12:00pm

Oh justliz I'm sorry you're having to go through this, especially while pregnant.  I've never been pregnant, but I want to think every pregnant woman just wants to be secure in her relationship and have her SO dote on her and celebrate the new arrival. 

Now about this matter with your SO.  I understand being stressed out, pressured by others, and extremely overwhelmed because I've been there.  However there are thousands of ways to relieve stress and not one of them should involve actively looking to cheat on one's SO.  He wasn't on a dating site, he was on a get laid site.  Good for you confronting him about it too.  If this is really the only time this has ever happened in your relationship and you truly believe that he is sorry and wants to stay with you and the kids that's fine.  However you still need to address the reasons that lead him to those actions in the first place.  He was stressed out?  Ok.  So how is he dealing with that now?  He's pressured by his family constantly?  What is he doing to alleviate that?  Just saying no would be a start.  He's overwhelmed by you, the kids, and the baby on it's way?  What is he doing to lead a more balanced life?  What are you doing to help support his need for balance? 

You and he are going to have to have several talks about how to adjust your lives so that you're both happy.  You need to make it clear to him that when his stress levels reach their breaking point his solution can't be to go looking for sex with other women.  Does he have hobbies he's been neglecting, a gym membership thats dusty, or an interest he claims to never have time to explore?  He also needs to have the emotional maturity to talk things out with you and work on finding a solution together.  Maybe he needs regularly scheduled destress time or you two get some help around the house or whatever it is that may work.  And if you're truly going to forgive him for the website matter then you need to actually do that and not hold a grudge about it or use it as a weapon whenever you're mad at him.

I'm hoping everything works out for you two, good luck and keep us posted Smile

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:20pm
Sounds to me he has made a decision to take the fantasy up a notch. More into the realm of reality. He may not plan to meet these women, but it is a form of being unfaithful. Watching the porn could be lived with except he is now escalated it to conversing. I would be worried that he was going to act on the fantasy and bring home something that "won't wash off" namely a disease. I would not trust him not to do the same thing again. There are services that will give you a number that you can use for messages and calls that are virtually untraceable. I have one for calling my family, so I am familiar with it. No charge to call in the US, so no billing. Get real, you don't trust him in your heart. Admit it and move on.