Am I playing with fire??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Am I playing with fire??
8
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 8:24pm

ok-

met a guy online, match.com.

we have been talking for about a month, met in person a few weeks ago. we have hung out 3 times. oddly, we happened to live on the same street! Each time we have hung out we have been at his house. not sure if that's a bad sign or if it's just "easy" cause we live so close??He has made or bought dinner each time.

second question: my friend is friends w one of his ex gf from 4-5 years ago. She said he cheated on her, lied to her, wasn't reliable and was impulsive w his money. Should this info make me nervous or should I just take it w a grain of salt? He does travel a lot for work so  that info does make me a little nervous....

lastly, he has a job interview, which if he got the job he would be relocating . Why is he even on march.com if he is potentially relocating? Is it worth growing attached to someone if they are just going to leave?

i have been burned so many times (can u tell)!? Plus I am 34 and want to be married and have kids so just don't have time for bs.... He says he wants the same but just hasn't found anyone he wants to marry yet. He is 32.

What do you think? Proceed w caution or move one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 1:21pm

As far as what the exGF is saying, I would keep it in mind but not totally believe it--you never know what kind of agenda she has and you also don't know if he has changed.  You need to determine this for yourself.  Also he's probably dating because he's not sure if he will get the job and move--I don't think he needs to put his life on hold while he is looking for work.  But knowing that he might move, you might not want to get too serious.  Now my personal opinion is that when you are in your 30's dates shouldn't just consist of hanging out at his house--even if he's not doing that just to put the moves on you, it's boring, lazy and not that fun--aren't there so many other things you could be doing?  I think hanging out at home is what you do after you are in an established relationship--and then not doing it all the time, but of course if you are seeing each other several times a week, who can afford to go out all the time?  But when you are first starting to date someone, shouldn't the guy be putting in a little more effort to take you out somewhere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 2:52pm

Hi-

yes I agree with you about putting in a little more effort. That being said, once we found out we lived on same street , it just seemed appropraite at the time. We literally have only been "dating" for 2.5 weeks, one week he was travelling to Europe for work. I guess Ill just see what the next few weeks brings, hopefully some real dinner dates and other activities. If not, time for me to hit the road!

Thanks for your input

Steph

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 1:13am

   ROFL!!!!   Putting more effort?  How foolish.  After all if you can't get along a friends then what will ever be?   To me I see this attitude as self defeating.  You are not a prize to be won as if he come charging up in his white Roll Royce to win the hand of lady fair.  That Romatic meme died. 

chaika

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 04-06-2014 - 1:23am

Not so fast.  It is suptising when things are going good that people have to throw a monkey wrench into the works.  No effort is not a good thing when looking at a LTR.  Being able to like each other and  do noting is far more important.  After all what will your dream life be in reality?  Real life is 90%  getting along.  A person who is travelling to Europe for work may not be so happy to run out for dinner dates (he may do that as a daily  thing).  With jet lag and getting ready for the next trip it is nice to relax.  Think hard about that reality.   Think hard about what kind of life you can handle and what you expect and what your role models were.  A person reaised in a family where  Dad was home by 6 and dinner on the table will have different expectations generally from some one whose dad was in Rome tomorrow an Paris the next week.

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Mon, 04-07-2014 - 4:23pm
I am a little confused by your comments....So you are basically telling me to chill out and just enjoy a good thing, even if it happens to be hanging out at each other's houses?? I agree with you that seeing he does travel so much, it may be good to relax and not plan anything extraordinary. Small update, we went OUT for dinner and another place for dessert the other night, before he left to travel AGAIN for work. I think you are right about a lot of things including what I can tolerate and what my expectations are. I have to admit, my dad travelled often for work too, not quite as often as this new man does but quite frequently. I guess my biggest concern was, once a cheater, always a cheater?? Or maybe he has grown and changed in the last five years. He did say he now wants kids and marriage. Part of the problem is likely me, I have had a few trying relationships in the past and I'm so scared to waste too much time w the wrong person again, especially seeing that I am 34 and really want kids ! Thanks for your point of view :)
Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 2:50pm

You want kids then you can have a lab do that for you.  Waste time?  You are the one putting all your eggs in one basket.  Date around be about meeting new people.  Never ever depend on someone but yourself.   If you were dating several then you could relax.   If you want kids then is he a good genetic match?  Any bad genes in his line or in yours that would be a problem?  Do you have a career or just a job.   The "cheating" issue.   What is the whole story?  Friend of a friend is not the best referance.  There is no way to colaborate what the story really was.  

  Think of your ideal life and think of the life of committed people you know.  Dream this and then dream your life as it is,  then insert BF into the dreams do they match?

    Now what do you bring to the table?  Let's look at it from another point of view.  You a career man who travels for his living with a insecure GF who wants a kid and who needs to be entertained?  What's in it for him?    You could be the most beautiful, socially and sexually skilled woman ever.   But can you be his friend?  

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Wed, 04-16-2014 - 9:34am

Okay, so the possible red flags are: having you over to his house rather than going out, possibly moving soon, travelling a lot for work, and someone saying he cheated on her a few years ago when they were dating, right? I don't see any definite deal breakers there. But of course just wanting to get married and have babies doesn't change the fact that it takes time to get to know what anyone is all about. If you don't want to "waste time" it might be a good idea to go out with more than one at a time in the early stages. Also, you might consider freezing some of your eggs then slow down. I find it a bit worrisome that you're thinking about marriage and kids on the third date. Rushing things can lead to huge regrets. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2007
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 9:02pm

You have some good points... Its funny though, I seem to find myself posting on here when I have a bad gut feeling. For some reason I still, at 34, haven't learned to follow my gut. If I hadn't heard from an ex that he cheated , maybe this gut feeling wouldn't have developed, I'm not sure?? Unfortunately, I think I set myself up for failure w this one, as I ended up sleeping w him too quickly.  I regret it but it was just in the heat of the moment.  A few nights later Ininvited him over for dinner which he said yes to, then last minute cancelled saying he was sick. I was upset he didn't let me know earlier (I let him know this) and although he was very apologetic, and texted me early the next morning asking me my favorite muffin type, I just don't think I believe he was really sick. even if he was, he could have told me earlier. anyway, he went to Chicago for a week and when he returned he took me to dinner. He continued to apologize and insisted on ordering for me and feeding me!! it just all seemed so superficial and I think he is just player material.  He got very drunk, annoyingly drunk, which made me think much less of him. He is attractive and intriguing but def not long term material. Problem is, these are the ones I "fall" for and get caught up with!!! I always seem to push away the kind, good hearted ones.... I wonder if there is something wrong e me, or maybe I just haven't found the perfect happy medium man yet......