Analyze this....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Analyze this....
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 7:28pm

So, when my psychologist bf tells me it's MY perception - that he's speaking to me with a "tone"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 8:55pm

Could you give an example of what kind of tone

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2007
Wed, 03-10-2010 - 9:00pm

On one hand he is right, it is your perception. On the other hand, I have the same issue with my husband. There are times when I am talking with him, I see him rolling his eyes or responding with "a look". He says he doesn't mean anything by it. What I have learned over time is that the one reaction we have difficulty controlling is our facial expressions. Except for those who have developed a "poker face", we say a lot with our faces and don't even realize it.

Does this mean he is harboring feelings that he is not willing to vocalize or is even aware of? I don't know. But if your gut is telling you something, you might want to explore exactly what that is. I know for me, my husband's facial expressions have told me volumes about his true feelings. For a long time I ignored it, not any more. I would try speaking with him again. Just because something may be our perception, we still have a right to our feelings and if BF truly cares, he will make an effort to re-assure you in the future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 10:05am
We (humans) call it our "gut feeling".
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2007
Thu, 03-11-2010 - 2:08pm

There is also such a thing as paranoia, in which people hear tones and see looks that aren't there. It's a matter of selective perception. I think it's important to ask the question: If his words and looks/tone contradict one another, why is he bothering to construct deceptive words? I'm not saying it never happens, but when it does there are specific reasons for it.

I have found that communication between men and women is frequently thwarted by applying female culture to men (expecting certain tones of voice and facial expressions from him that are expected among women) and applying male culture to women (expecting women to adopt the male habit of ignoring non-verbal communication and focus strictly on the overt message).

To the OP: I recommend a talk about this with him (not blaming him, but acknowleding what I said in the previous paragraph). Since we're talking to you and not to him, I also recommend that you work on your part of the above and focus on the text of his communication and not the delivery method.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 03-12-2010 - 9:34am

Have you had this experience with other boyfriends?