Anyone ever encounter this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Anyone ever encounter this?
8
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 2:50pm
I need some advice. My boyfriend and I recently broke up. He decided that we had grown into a great friendship. It was a complete shock to me. He couldn't explain further and didn't know what made his feelings change. We'd been dating for over a year and nothing was wrong. Never had a fight or a disagreement. Always got along great. Since the break up, we've been talking on and off. We are giving the friends thing a try. He was sincere about remaining friends. When we do talk about the break up, he continues to say that he thinks about me constantly, misses me a lot and cares about me more than I know. He seems really sincere with all of this too. That's why it's so hard to wrap my brain around his decision. I don't know if he got scared and needs some time or what. It's so confusing! Has anyone else ever encountered this? Any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 3:08pm
Sorry, but you really didn't give enough information to really get any feeling for why he did what he did. Could you expand on your story some?

Also, based on your name and that you live in MA... I think we live in the same town! How do you like Moody Street?

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 3:18pm
Well, this is just my two-cents, but such behavior, IMO, indicates that he has his eye on someone else. It may just be a short term thing he's after, but by breaking up with you but remaining "friends", he can justify with a clear conscience doing things with someone else. If it doesn't work out, he can easily shift from the "great friend" role back to being your boyfriend.

My guess is you are dumbfounded and before you can be pissed-off, he's telling you how special he thinks you are. Now you don't know whether to be mad and never speak to him again or be his best buddy.

Again, my opinion is that you are being kept on a string while he persues something with someone else. He doesn't want to be looked at as a schmuck who dumped his girl for another girl, so he's going the pulling the "we grew into a great frienship" line.

Very smooth...but he's not a jedi yet. He hasn't faced the dark side. I'd get angry, ignore him, and begin showing him what breaking up with someone really means. That is you need time to be alone, to be around your real friends, and then begin looking for someone who is ready to grow into a loving long-term relationship with you. With him around as your "friend", you will be stuck going nowhere fast. He hurt you and it's time for you to dump the trash from your life. I don't think you were dating him hoping that he'd want just a friendship. I'm positive he knew what you wanted as well. If he really wants you, he will have to prove himself to you through his actions, not by the phone begging you to be his friend.

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 3:53pm
Curtis...

We've had plenty of posts by people who dated, but then came to the conclusion that they would make better friends than lovers. We've also seen this theme on a number of TV shows (not that they are reality, but they do tend to reflect real "themes"). I've also met people IRL who've gone through the same thing.

So you think all ex's are "garbage" and deserve nothing better than to be dumped in the trash???

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 4:22pm
Brokk,

My thoughts headed down that line for a couple of reasons: She had no clue. Few people are just so clueless to the problems leading them to a breakup. From my experience, those relationships that end up in both being friends had enough writing on the wall for both to see. The fact that she was blindsided by this has me thinking that something sudden came up with him.

I also think that most people who really just want to be friends will not continue to call the other person constantly and tell them how much they think and care about them. I suppose it's possible, but the women I saw as being no more than friends did not receive daily pining from me. This guys actions don't seem like someone who just wants to be friends. Do any of your friends call you up daily to tell you how much they care about you?

So his abrupt breakup along with his emotional closeness and contact with her seems more to me like someone who is trying to keep her close while he gets to know someone else.

To answer your question about all ex's, no they are not all garbage. Only those who have no healthy purpose, get in the way, and start to stink things up.

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 4:37pm
To answer your question... I've felt blindsided by *most* break-ups I've ever been in. If I wasn't the one doing the breaking up, I felt very surprised by them. It's not that there weren't problems. Most relationships have them. However, I didn't think they were severe enough to break up over.

Yes, many times in my life I've had friends call me almost every day to see how I was doing. These only happened when I was going through something fairly severe (like a break up). If the person breaking up with me considered themself a friend, and I was open to talking to them, I expect they would call me every day.

I'm not saying he's not doing what you are suggesting... Keeping her warm on the side while looking to sew his oats elsewhere... However, he could *also* genuinely want to continue with her as a friend *while* starting up a new relationship with someone else.

I think it was the "dump him like garbage" line of thinking that really felt wrong.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 04-23-2003 - 6:23pm
Thanks for all of your responses.

I'm 95% positive that it isn't someone else. He said that he would have told me if that was it. I think that he would have too because it would have made everything easier. The explanation that I was given was so 'vague'. It was something like "I feel this has just developed into a great friendship." That's all. Nothing to expand upon. Each time I would ask him to explain further, he couldn't find the words to do so. There was "absolutely" no warning. We spent the entire day before and the day that he told me together. We got along great. There was nothing that I was pretending wasn't a problem or anything like that. Just BAM!

What I don't understand is that everything he has said about missing me, caring about me a lot, thinking of me constantly why that doesn't make him realize he made a mistake. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. It's such major mixed messages.

Oh, Brokk - I was at Lizzy's on Moody Street last night. Good stuff!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 9:43am
"What I don't understand is that everything he has said about missing me, caring about me a lot, thinking of me constantly why that doesn't make him realize he made a mistake. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason to it. It's such major mixed messages."

I miss friends. Care for friends. Think about friends constantly (depending on circumstances). I don't think this is a mixed message at all. It could be he *really* likes hanging out with you, thinks you are a cool person, and wants to continue having you as an influence in his life... However, he doesn't feel "that way" about you. Perhaps he's just realized you make an awesome friend, but he needs to find the right person that he would feel different about to be his life partner. I love some of my friends, but I wouldn't want to have a "lovers" relationship with them. Not that there would be problems, but that they just aren't the right type of people to be involved with that way.


"Oh, Brokk - I was at Lizzy's on Moody Street last night. Good stuff!"

I live within walking distance of Moody Street, and it's one of my favorite summer activities to take a leisurely stroll over the river and up to Lizzy's for some ice cream. It's also a nice place to grab desert after one of the many good restaurants in the neighborhood. We bought a house here two years ago and we are really loving it. How long have you been living in Waltham?

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Fri, 04-25-2003 - 4:10pm
Hi there-

I have a question...

How long have you two been together? Perhaps he's not feeling the same intensity in the relationship as he has in the past. He may be confused by this-it also would explain why he can't find the words to tell you- he doesn't want to say anything that might be hurtful to you. That does not mean he doesn't care about you- he may just not realize that it is natural for relationships to have an ebb and flow of passionate feelings, especially after some time together.

Just an idea- he's probably not a bad guy, but I think he owes you an explanation no matter how hard it is to just come out with it!

Kathy