Bad at the signals!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2014
Bad at the signals!
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 2:41pm

I met my friend about 4 years ago. He plays bass in my fave local band so naturally he has a ton of friends, both male and female. For the first 2 years we knew each other it was me the fan and he the musician. It wasn't until we started talking after shows and then seeing each other in social situations (we have mutual friends) that we noticed we had a lot in common, cooking, antiques, family values and of course music. We became better friends through PMing on FB too! Then things started to shift a bit when I would go to his shows. He started to be a bit more free with his “affections.” He would come off stage during a break and smack my rear or insert himself next to me, arm around my waist, while I would be talking to a group a people or find me after a show for a little one on one conversation. Then it happened! After a show in March of 2012, we greeted each other with what I was assuming would be the usual hug. Instead, I was greeted with a big kiss on the lips! It put me back on my heels to say the least! To this day, the kisses are still on the lips, are followed by very tight embraces, lots of eye contact and there has been a definite increase in touching (knees, hands, shoulders, etc) when we are sitting/standing next to one another. I can tell you this, there are times when the tension gets pretty tight when we get close to each other.

Now I have been out of the dating/flirting arena for some time and I have always been a bit bad at reading signals, so I have to know if this is just him being friendly or is he flirting with me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 7:23pm

If this guy is flirting he is the slowest man on earth--it's been 2 years!  If he is interested, then why doesn't he ask you to do anything with him?  I think when a man is interested in you and you are both single, if you give him the smallest encouragement, he will ask you out, but in case there is something wrong with this guy socially (and it doesn't seem to be if he initiated kissing you) then maybe you have to ask him to do something with you alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 10:22am

In my experience, if a guy is so bold as to smack your ass or kiss, you, then he's obviously bold enough to ask you out. What's with his behavior? He likes the ego boost that you have a crush on him (yes, he knows you do). He doesn't ask you out for one of two reasons: He has a girlfriend (if so, I feel sorry for her), or, he's just not that into you. The only type of man I ever suggest asking on a date is an extremely shy man. 

I once had a somewhat similar situation when I was single. I had a crush on a co-worker who I thought was single. He would seek me out and come sit by my office desk and chat. I would flirt with him. He seemed to be into me, so I couldn't figure out why he didn't ask me out. I finally couldn't stand it and asked him to go to the zoo one day. He accepted but didn't make any moves on me. I gave up and a year later, I found out he'd been dating someone else who worked in the same building but for a different agency. They were keeping it secret because they didn't want co-workers gossiping. 

He has a reason why he's not asking you out, and you may never find out why. Find some new hangouts and give up on the fantasy of him. Try some meetups in your area (look on if you want to meet some new men. Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 05-15-2014 - 8:25am

No man on this planet will 'attempt to transmit signals', call it what you want, for 2 years. That just doesn't happen. He's got.. issues. He's a bass player in a band, isn't he? Definitely has issues. :). Seriously though..he doesn't want anything from you apart from this weird..flirting thing. He's probably got an official gf and a couple of weekend ones. That's assuming he's young(ish) and gorgeous. Out of interest, how old are you and what music are we talking about?