Bf says he doesn't care for sex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Bf says he doesn't care for sex?
13
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 9:45am

Hi,

Hollie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 2:09pm

I don't know your age or past, but young single women often seem to have this idea that they have been severely traumatized by love when really they just had their things that didn't work out just like everybody else. It doesn't make needy or insecure behavior any more attractive to the current guy. I

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 2:35pm

Thanks for your reply. Well Iam 22 and my bf is 25.

My past....well my ex....who I was engaged to cheated on me horribly and I found out only a month before the wedding. When I had confronted him about everything I had found out he said he got bored....and him and I didn't have sex very often at all.Like a week or two would go buy between every time we would have sex.Sometimes even a month.So I assumed thats what lead to his cheating,not enough sex,and he got bored like he said.Guess at first with my current bf I was afraid that same thing would happen so we had sex ALOT in the beginning...which isn't abnormal for new couples anyways.After about 4 months together he asked me if the reason I wanted to have sex so often was because I was afraid the same thing would happen and I admitted to him that yes on some level I was afraid he'd get bored like my ex and stray. So he was the one that started cutting it back,he wanted me to see that it wasn't all about sex.So after a few months I clued in and since I don't mind like I said having less sex....I was more wondering if his reasoning was normal. When we have sex ,even if its been a week or so since we last had sex, sometimes I feel like he doesn't really want to.I'll hint that I want to have sex,and occassionally he'll make statements like "To make you happy I guess we can have sex" That might sound awful to an outsider,but my bf is a big sarcastic,never serious clown.He's such a joker and has a very different sense of humor.I know when he makes comments like that he is sarcastic,I can tell.But it doesn't make me feel better about it all given that it would have been say a week since we had last had sex and then when Iam hinting at it he makes a comment like that.Kidding or not.However when were actually having sex,theres no doubt he enojys it.He makes that VERY clear.Yet I usually feel like we had sex because I wanted to.He hardly initiates anymore,there was a time he would pull my pants down out of nowhere lol now it ALMOST ALWAYS starts with me.I mean is it really possible that he just doesn't care if we have sex regularly or not? Despite being a 25 yr old guy??

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Sun, 10-17-2010 - 7:24pm

Holly, my guess is that it's all okay, he likes sex with you and you have sex frequently. Going over a week without now and then is no big deal at all, imo. It hurts my feelings when my husband seems like he's not that much in the mood too and I have to get a grip. I think that we ladies just

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 3:31am

So I assumed thats what lead to his cheating,not enough sex,and he got bored like he said.

Assumption number One: He cheated 'cause he was bored and it was your fault - Wrong.

I bet that you've got it backwards - he wasn't having much sex with you because he was getting it elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 9:43am

I do know guys don't necessarily want sex all the time,lol I more so meant, it seems odd to me that a guy would even say they don't

Hollie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 10:47am

I wouldn't gauge your frequency of sex compared to anyone else. that doesn't make sense and isn't fair to you.

I don't think 1-3x a week sounds low enough to really be concerned. I think most couples experience a dropoff in sex, and you DID say that you tried to make up your insecurity by having sex a lot. Now that you're less insecure and things are more normal, the amount of sex you're having is a more accurate reflection on how often you both actually want to have it, isn't it?

A person who is sarcastic, jokes all the time, and is never serious is not easy to have a relationship with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2003
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 5:12pm

>>What guy at 25 says "I don't care for sex?"

Well...guys who truly DON'T.

I don't think this is a trivial issue at all, unlike other posters who say that your frequency is "just fine." The issue is that it is not enough for YOU. If your sex frequency has been on the downswing, I wouldn't be surprised if that continued. It takes a pretty self-aware guy to admit that he's not into sex, and now you're left to ask yourself, "Can I live with this long term? Am I okay with this?" I love sex, and if I were in your position, I'd thank him for the honest insight and move on.

I might re-post to the Mismatched Libidos board for a different perspective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
Mon, 10-18-2010 - 7:02pm

Orange,

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2009
Wed, 10-20-2010 - 9:56am

Just wanted to add one comment about you saying that you spend all of your spare time together. Your relationship is of the greatest importance, but always try to keep an independent life outside of your significant other. Spend time out with girlfriends going to the movies or to dinner. Develop hobbies you're interested in. Some people join groups with people who have similar interests like photography, writing, gardening. You become a more interesting partner, as you can talk about your activities with him, he has a chance to miss you once in a while, and if the relationship doesn't work out, it would be devastating, but you'd have a support group of girlfriends and other activities to keep your mind off of things.

It will also take your mind off of the question of whether or not he will be initiating sex with you or not. I'm just taking a shot in the dark, but if you're staying home with him to make sure he's not going out to cheat on you, then he will start feeling like a caged animal. He has been a trustworthy partner so far. If you start relaxing about the sex issue, and present a confident, independent woman with other interests besides him, I bet he'd start initiating sex more often. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Thu, 10-21-2010 - 9:12am

Oh we do have outisde lives.He has his guys nights mondays and tuesdays,when he's out playing poker and hockey I do my own thing. However we are both home bodys,we love staying in and just watching movies, and relaxing.And for the record I don't stay in and be with him so he wont cheat lol. I am not afraid he would cheat.I used to be like a year ago,but I he adores me and I know he would never cheat.I didn't think my posts came across that way but if they did thats not the case.

A few days ago I actually brought up the initiating thing with him,simply told him I feel like 90% of the time we have sex because I hinted at it,and I said I felt as though if I didn't hint we wouldn't have sex. He didn't say much.I didn't push the subject,left it at that.That was maybe 4 or 5 days ago,ironically enough since then we had sex 3 times.....and I didn't have to initiate a thing.lol This may be TMI here but Im proud to say one of the times we had sex was all because he came in while I was having a bubble bath to wash his hands.A short while later I

Hollie

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