Birthday issues w/husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Birthday issues w/husband
13
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 8:14am

I have been with my husband either married or dating for over 20 years. Early on in our relationship I let him know that birthdays are a sensitive time for me because my family pretty much ignored them when I was growing up. I have let him know numerous times over the years that I don't need an expensive gift, but I do want him to have something for me that shows a little thought, on the actual day. Two years ago we were away on my 40th and he had nothing for me on the day, not even a card. I spent most of that day extremely upset, then the next day we came home and it turned out he had arranged a surprise party at our home with a lot of my friends. That was very nice, but I still don't understand why he had to make me feel so bad on the actual day.

This year he told me that he had ordered something for me online that hadn't come yet. I didn't love not having a gift to open but figured that sometimes that happens. A week later he gave me a piece of lingerie, something he has never bought for me before (I love lingerie but always buy it myself). It was not very flattering so I asked him to exchange it. I told him that I hoped the company wouldn't take forever to make the exchange as they took so long to ship it. He then revealed that he had ordered it the day before my birthday, so he knew he would not have it in time when he ordered it.

The box sat on our kitchen counter for a week. I went on the web site and showed him what style would be more flattering to me. It sat there for several more days. Then we had a huge fight over communication issues, etc., and I told him that the way he had handled my birthday gift made me feel really bad, like he just didn't care. He said that had not been his intention, and the box disappeared. It is another week later and yesterday I found the box, unreturned, in the back of his car. Needless to say, he slept in the guest room last night.

I know my husband it a bit of a procrastinator anyway but it is starting to feel as if he wants me to feel bad on my birthday. This has happened too many times, over too many years. I don't understand what is so hard for him. Even if he wants to wait until the last minute to buy a gift he can, since we live ten minutes away from two huge shopping malls.

I believe he loves me and wants me to be happy, but it just doesn't feel that way when this keeps happening. Does anyone have any insights on this? I wish it wasn't so important to me but I can't help how I feel.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:26am

"I wish it wasn't so important to me but I can't help how I feel."


Point taken.


And he can't help how he feels. This man would seem to have made a nice effort, and for whatever reason, hasn't met your expectations. And guess what? You think YOU feel bad? You've set this bar way too high, and it he is probably thinking that no matter what he does it won't be good enough. The man buys you something you like, that he has never done, and look at how it shakes out. Maybe YOU thought it wasn't flattering, but maybe HE thought you would look good in it.


What you need to do is apologize, and let him know that you appreciate his efforts. Then, since this seems to be so important to you, lay down what you expect. If you want him to remember, remind him! Not everyone's mind is a datebook. After this long, trust me, he knows. This is how he operates. And for each one of your quirks that he deals with, I'm sure he was quirks that you deal with. But no one can be expected to be a mind reader, and if this is something that is THAT important to you, then you must communicate your needs in order for them to be met. It doesn't mean he loves you any less. And it certainly doesn't mean that he actually WANTS you to feel bad on your birthday.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:43am

Joel, you seem to be missing the point here. The issue is not that my husband bought something that wasn't flattering. I wouldn't have cared about that at all--lingerie can be tricky to fit properly, and I was happy that he had at least tried to buy something outside his usual comfort zone. The issue is that he bought something online just the day before, when he would have no hope of getting it on time, and then didn't want to deal with the return. Just for the record I offered to return it myself and asked him for the info to do this, but he insisted he would handle it. The fact that it just sat there for weeks sends me the message that getting me a gift was absolutely not a priority for him AND the fact that it sat in plain view in our kitchen for at least part of that time send me the message that he wanted me to know this. Pure passive aggression, if you ask me.

I have been letting him know that this behavior is not acceptable to me at least as long as we have been married (18+ years) and all I get is "oh no, can't believe I screwed up again, I feel terrible." That gets old long before 18 years.

I am thinking that next year I will go away for the weekend with girlfriends, who at least won't make me feel bad.

Avatar for ariesgirl26
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:07pm

The issue is that he bought something online just the day before, when he would have no hope of getting it on time, and then didn't want to deal with the return. Just for the record I offered to return it myself and asked him for the info to do this, but he insisted he would handle it. The fact that it just sat there for weeks sends me the message that getting me a gift was absolutely not a priority for him AND the fact that it sat in plain view in our kitchen for at least part of that time send me the message that he wanted me to know this. Pure passive aggression, if you ask me.

I hate to say this but please get over it, it's a gift, and if you're actually fighting with him over something he like this, it's ridiculous. My husband doesn't buy me anything for my birthday, do I sulk and make him sleep elsewhere no, why because it doesn't matter it's a gift. The fact he hasn't returned doesn't mean anything, it could mean he is busy at work, and yes sometiems people do forget. It's no big deal, even though you're making a huge issue over this is actually funny. I think it was great on his part to actually think of you, and buy you something, just because he forgets doesn't mean he has forgotten about you. I feel you're being harsh on the guy, if this would have been my husband, i would have thanked him for the gift, if he had to return it, and he forgot, oh well, no big deal. That's my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 1:53pm

I got the point. I'm trying help you to see his side. YOU might think that the gift sitting there for weeks sneds you the message it wasn't a priority, but HE might think that leaving it there for weeks is sending YOU the message that he doesn't think you appreciate his effort.


A lot of times with men, unless you spell it out completely, they won't get it. Telling him you aren't happy with the outcome definitely sends him the message, but in this case, it seems like your husband needs more direction.


I'm not trying to take ANYTHING away from your feelings. I know how frustrated you must feel. And maybe you ARE right, something with your GF's might be better - but I still think if you give your husband more specific wishes, and remind him, he might come through better. A lot of men are just wired this way. A lot of times women look to special occasions for more grand gestures of love, while men think about their women more times throughout an average day, and do smaller things more often to show their love.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:11pm

Wow. Have you considered seeing a therapist about your issues with your birthday? From the way you describe your reactions to your husband's efforts, it sounds like therapy for you might be a *really* good idea for both you and your marriage.

Yes, your husband could be doing a bit better about getting gifts for you. But he *is* trying as best he can. Based on what you say, I see zero evidence that he is actually trying to make you feel bad in any way, shape, or form. ZERO evidence. I have NO idea how you've managed to come to the conclusion that this poor man is trying to hurt you.

And you know what? He's a person with feelings too, just like you. And the fact that you jump all over him every single year because whatever he tries to do isn't enough, probably feels just as hurtful to him as his lack of perfect attentiveness on your birthday feels to you. I bet **he feels just as lousy** about your annual attacks over almost 20 years as you do over your birthday celebrations over 20 years. If I were him, I would have stopped trying anything at all about 15 years ago.

Hon, I'm sorry, but everything is not all about you. Not even on your birthday. That's how it works in the adult world. You seem trapped in your persona of a small child whose family ignores her birthday, and unable to break out into a more mature space. Hence my suggestion of therapy. Where you are is not a healthy place to be, and it's probably hurting your marriage more than you know.

--fc

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:38pm

Hmm...I'm somewhere in the middle here. I totally understand why you are hurt and why it seems that your husband is deliberately engaging in this behavior to hurt you.

I mean, you've told him this is important to you, and he just refuses to get it. How hard is it to get a gift in time for your wife's birthday, after all? It's not that hard, and he KNOWS it's important to you, yet he just can't quite get it done. That would hurt, because you know that YOU would gladly go out of your way and out of your comfort zone to do something that would please him and you don't think it's unreasonable for him to do the same for you.

And it's not unreasonable, not really. But he's shown you this is how he is and I think it's a pretty good bet that after 20 years, he's not going to change. You can either be hurt about this, or accept him as he is and not take it personally.

That doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid--but they aren't doing you any good, if that makes any sense. You can't help your feelings, per se, but you can help how you react in response to your feelings. You can chose to think he's doing it deliberately to hurt you, or you can say "that's how he is, it's not personal".

A couple of reading suggestions: "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman (and it would be great if you could get your husband to read this after you finish it) and "Loving Men More, Needing Men Less" by Judith Sills (which is about accepting your SO as is and getting the needs he can't or won't meet met in other ways if you can--or not, in which case ending things might be your best option because to stay and be resentful is not how most people want to live their lives).

Sheri




Edited 8/24/2006 5:49 pm ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2005
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 5:54pm

Thanks for the support Sheri. I was beginning to think I had posted to the wrong board in terms of getting any words of comfort at all. (Wow, a few of you guys really know how to kick someone when they're down.) A friend just recommended the Love Languages book to me today--I will definitely get it.

And you are probably right, he is not going to change. But whatever happens to us he is not going to get the opportunity to hurt me this way again. I have already made plans with two close friends for my bday next year. And I will be instituting a no-gifts policy with him. I already told him to just get his money back for the lingerie, not exchange it. I would always remember how this played out when I wore it so there would be no point.

I really am a very self-sufficient and independent person ordinarily, just have a couple of needy areas and this is one. And I don't think I should feel bad about it at all. Elise

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 6:05pm

I think it's a good idea to take care of your own needs by making the plans with your friends, but I would caution you against being punitive towards your husband because of the hurt you are feeling. Are you instituting the no gifts policy to protect yourself, or to hurt him back? Why not just have no expectations as to gifts in order if it's to protect yourself?

Although it would be interesting to see if he GOT you a gift next year if you said "no gifts", LOL!

In any event, I hope the book helps.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:49am

You gave only two examples, but as I see it: in both of those examples, he attempted to get you a nice gift and it wasn't good enough. The party was a day late, or the lingerie wasn't exactly how you'd like it, etc.

You could relieve some of his confusion and your disappointment by telling him, exactly, what you'd like for your birthday. And give him multiple reminders a month or week in advance. And no, don't fall for the emotional trap of "if he loved me, he'd remember on his own." Bullhocky. Men don't think that way. Women might, but men don't.

It also sounds like birthday-gift-giving has lost any resemblance of joy for your husband. Honestly, it sounds as if he feels it's a chore he MUST do, or face sleeping in the guest room (doghouse) for eternity. Who wants to give a gift under those conditions? Then, it also sounds like he's so disappointed that he's losing any desire to even TRY (the box left in his back seat, forgotten or avoided).

I have an awuful, ugly, grotesque little clock sitting on a never-used desk - obviously bought at a dollar shop in a hurry, by my DH who'd almost forgotten Mother's Day. I know how difficult it is for him to remember ANY special day, and I was so overwhelmed that he actually remembered MOTHER'S DAY(?!?!?!) that year, that I oohed and aahhed over that ugly little clock, and put in prominently on top of the TV for awhile (only as long as it took to convince him I truly appreciated the gift, and only as long as I could stand to see it glaring at me from that viewpoint).

BUT - he usually remembers special days and gets me at least a card and candy bar, if nothing else. The point is, I try very hard to make him know I appreciate his thoughtfulness - and my response rewards his behavior, so it reinforces the same behavior in the future. (Yes, sometimes people are like dogs - Pavlov was on to something there).

My advice: Accept EVERY gift he gives with glowing love and appreciation. (And if you don't like his choice, keep it and wear it anyway.) Give him multiple reminders before the actual date. Give him concrete and exact choices for what you'd like. And apologize for making gift-giving such a distasteful chore for him, that you'd like him to know how much you appreciate his remembering, even if the gift isn't exactly what you wanted - the thought counts more.

Just my 2cents.

Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:36pm

Wow, I have to throw in my 2 cents on this one!!


For the record, I am not judging you or your dh. Here is my view on it, where I can

 

Angela

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