A bit of a vent. Sorry guys.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
A bit of a vent. Sorry guys.
5
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 1:47pm
I have a friend who has been seeing a guy for over a year now. Admittedly, the guy is a jerk who has little man syndrome and is either putting down everyone around him or he's not happy, and I have no general fondness for him. They went to Seattle for the weekend two weeks ago,and since then she hasn't heard from him. She's known that she needs to break up with him for a while, so maybe this is the universe's way of making sure that happens. I don't know. All I know is that it's pretty rude to disappear on someone you've only started dating. After a year, it's downright unconscionable. They guy is psychologically and emotionally abusive, so I say good riddance, but that's certainly not helping my friend right now. She's so broken down emotionally that she actually believes that all guys are pretty much the same and she may as well stay with this one because no one else is going to want her. She's so terrified of being alone that she'd rather be with someone who treats her badly. I think we finally made some headway today. No matter that this is probably the best end result, what sort of jack*ss just goes to ground on a woman he's been with for over a year?

I've got to say, the men of my acquaintence are not making a good showing for themselves these days.

~Artie...aggravated in Austin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 2:09pm
>a jerk who has little man syndrome<

I think there's an ad at the bottom of this web page that says "Guaranteed results or your money back. Herbal pills are doctor-approved and will add 1-3 inches in 60 days." 3 inches???? Eeeesh! What a freak show!

Sorry about your friend. It's a tough road when you feel it's better to be a bad relationship then no relationship at all. It's short sighted, but It's a human thing to feel that way. It seems like a daunting task to think about building up a new relationship from scratch. Kinda like going back down the hill to start rolling your stone back up.

No advice; sage or otherwise... Just being a conduit for your ventations.

S.

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 2:34pm
gosh what an a$$! No real surprise though since you said hes been somewhat of a jerk! Just another form of abuse. Unfortunately for her, its pretty possible he may resurface after "punishing" her by ignoring her for a while.

Real question is why she thinks so little of herself that she has put up for a year with

"mr.Not-even-right-for-now" rather than be alone. Understandable that shes bitter & cynical about all men right now. If she keeps giving her love and "all" to wrong guys, what other outcome is possible?

Shes lucky that she has a friend that cares so much for her. I would imagine its pretty hard on you. I would gently direct her to counseling if she will go.

Best of luck, Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 4:34pm
Oh, Artie- I want to say that just stinks, except that in the long run, this friend will probably be much better off... Some people (men and women, I am afraid) just plain don't make sense. I cannot imagine disappearing like that on anyone I had dated/been intimate with; although I have had to break up with someone and then disappear when they refused to take no for an answer. (Another situation I don't get... you don't want to be with me? It hurts, but much less than remaining with someone who doesn't want to be with me... and I can't even imagine trying to force someone to stay... Yeesh. But this is *your* ventation (nice word, Sisy) so I will shut up now. ;o) )

I also agree with Barbara that your friend is lucky to have you around--

No good advice, just a commiserating friend who wishes your friend the best as she works through this....

Cher

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-29-2003 - 4:39pm
By the way, I just wanted to add the iVillage, the "village for women" seems to believe anyone on the relationships channel has a small penis, genital warts, STD's and a myriad of other dysfunction...

Interesting choice of sponsors.

Cher

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 9:01am
I am sure that your friend appreciates your support. This guy disappearing looks like a blessing in disguise, but will be an adjustment in daily life for your friend.

I think your friend should get a life & join social groups where she can meet different guys and girls. This would boost her selfconfidence and self esteem so that she does not end up with another loser who treats her like crap. I think her emotional dependence on this guy a unhealthy. Yes, she has made emotional investment in the guy but it is time to "cut bait" & realize that she is worthy of a guy who respects her & treats her equally as a partner rather than a maid or slave.

Interestingly, I had a talk with my boss about women who stay married to jerks who are physically and verbally abusive, or are useless couch potatoes that leave it to the women to bring up the kids & do the housework. I must admit none of my friends wifes take any crap from anyone & always split the child rearing & household chores, so I was quite surprised of the number of losers that women marry. But my boss pointed out that a couple of women that I work with do all the child rearing & household chores; and that a couple of the guys are "weekend parents" that go drinking every Friday & leave the wife & kids at home. So. it seems that women marry turkeys all the time.

If you want to see losers, you should watch some of the dating shows. There is Blind DAte on TNN where they seem to set up the biggest mismatches where either the woman or the guy are the biggest losers you could every expect to meet - quite pathetic but I watch it anyway...am I sick or what??

Perhaps your friend is uncomfortable to go out to meet people when she is alone. Maybe you could ask your friend to join you when you are in social situation so that she can interact with other people & get to know them.

JF