Cannot argue w/o a breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Cannot argue w/o a breakup
3
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 5:09pm
My SO of a year has just ended our relationship again for about the six or seventh time.

We cannot seem to have any form of an arguement that he does not use this as the out.

Is this really unusual or do other men do this? Or women for that matter.

My family and friends tell me to just let him go that he is not worth the effort and that he needs to grow up.

I don't feel this way and would like to understand why if threatened at all this is his only form of dealing with me being upset.

It does scare the heck out of me when he does it. One minute we are ok and then boom we have a fight and he's out there and I am left to wonder if in fact we are broke up or not.

Should I even try to figure this out? The sad thing is that we have only had this many fights in a year, but the emotional turmoil this has created is awful. Obviously the first couple of times he did this I thought he hated me and really wanted out. He later says no he just gets frustrated and feels like he has failed and runs.

This is bad for me because I am confrontational when upset.

Any pointers on dealing with some one like this or even if you think it isn't let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 5:27pm
Sounds like a 'reflex action' on his part...so the next time you have a spat...call his bluff and END IT!

Don't talk to him...email him...write him.

Oh, he'll try to worm his way back into your heart, but stand firm. And when you feel that he has grovelled enough...sit down and talk with him calmly, but firmly. Here's the opening line:

"I'M TIRED OF PLAYING 'THE BREAK-UP GAME' WITH YOU. GIVE ME 10 GOOD REASONS TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WON'T PUT ME THROUGH THIS GARBAGE EVER AGAIN...AND (MAYBE) I'LL GIVE THIS RELATIONSHIP ONE MORE TRY!"

Now if your man can come up with 10 really good reasons...(from your vantage point)...then why not try one more time? If he's still angry, doesn't want to discuss or even realize your feelings are hurt...DUMP HIM! Because he'll continue to be a self-centered, shallow, ba**ard for the remainder of his life...and he'll play "THE BREAK-UP GAME" with somebody else.

.

Pianoguy

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 5:35pm
IMO, the only people who use arguments as an excuse to break up are those who are emotionally immature and/or unhealthy. I agree with your family...he needs to grow up.

If I had a SO who did this, I would make his seeking counseling to find a new way of dealing with conflict a condition to staying in the relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 7:13pm
Title: I don't disagree with you Sheri, but this...

**"This is bad for me because I am confrontational when upset."**

...says to me that it isn't only on him.

I would be prepared to total agree with you if it weren't for that admission, and something it reminded me of...my last relationship.

My last GF and I broke up easily a half dozen times, essentially because when I got sick of her BS. However, I never went back...she would come to me. I would take her back because I was lazy...easier to dance with the devil you know. But I am convinced had it all taken place in Chicago, where I had other friends, and where I would have been willing and able to get out an entertain myself, versus New York where I knew no one else and where I really didn't like going out whatsoever, I could and would have just told her to leave me be.

Now of course I am sure some people might think me "emotionally immature and/or unhealthy". And I might have thought the same if told a similar story before I actually lived through it.

But I had never behaved that way before...and haven't since.

My point is that perhaps it isn't him...or her. It could be THEM...they are two people who simply are not meet to be together, and this behavior is a symptom of that.

One key I would think is to discern exactly who does the breaking up (is it him ALWAYS??) and who does the making up (who comes back to who). If he is the one always doing the break up, and then always looking to patch things up, then I agree with you 100%...it is just acting out, and her parents and friends are right.

On the other hand, if he does the breaking up, but she does the making up...hmmm. That tells me something different. And if it is some combination thereof, then they both could probably use a tad of shrinkage...lol

But no matter what the case, no question these two people don't belong together...either because he simply isn't mature enough for an adult relationship, or because they simply aren't compatible.