Can't figure this out?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Can't figure this out?!
19
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 9:38pm
Please forgive long story, but this is bugging me. I am about to give up on this guy, but first I would like to at least try and understand his behavior, so I don't go through this again in the future with someone else.
I was working at a very busy hospital and I met a new Resident Doctor while I was there. He just graduated from med school and began his first year as a resident intern (for those of you not familiar, internal medicine interns are usually called "House staff" because they practically live at the hospital.) We had chatted here and there and I could tell he liked me, but the place was busy as hell and we never really did much about it. Then, after a while of not seeing him, I ended up running some paper work up to him oneday and he and I chatted about school and work and how things were so hectic at the hospital. He said "If you get too stressed, come and find me and we will go have coffee!" I thought he was just being nice and I said "ok", but when I ran up paper to him again a few days later, he said "I thought it was you!" And I could tell he was hoping it was. He told me he was so burnt out from work that he was practically falling asleep at the desk. I told him things were so crazy at work that I had given my notice and he told me "Well, before you go, come find me and we'll go have coffee, if you want it." He said it as if he was upset I had not really responded to him the first time, but again, I said "Ok." I honestly wasn't sure I liked him and I was so busy and stressed at work, I barely had time to think. We saw each other frequently over the next few days and he was always paying attention to me (there was obvious chemistry between us), although he was often very busy. On my last day, about three weeks after he'd asked me, I left him a note with my phone number and told him if he was still interested in going to coffee, to give me a call. I waited almost a week and didn't get a phone call. I wasn't sure he had gotten the note, so I decided to follow up. I stopped by the hospital, but they told me he had just left. They explained to me that he was working "Post call" (Which means he is pulling 24 hour shifts and then goes home to sleep and comes right back the next day). So I didn't feel so bad about not getting a call. They said to stop by the next day and I did. I didn't really know what would happen, I just expected coffee. He was on call, running around the hospital, so I paged him and told him I had come to collect my coffee, if he had time. He said "YES I DO! I will sneak out, meet me in the cafe in 5 minutes!" We met there and we had a nice chat, he told me he had gotten my note and stuck it in his folder, but that he'd been working 24 hour shifts and things were nuts, he said "I kept telling myself, I have to call her as soon as I am awake!" I worked there and I knew first hand how nuts it could be, so I had no reason to disbelieve him. We talked a lot about our families and he said how much he thought they would have in common if they met. He said that he would really like to take me out to diner and asked if there was anywhere I would like to go. He said he would call me as soon as things calmed down. We left off by hugging goodbye and saying "See you later!" Now, here's where it gets nasty: he'll call me when he's awake? He didn't tell me he was going to be in hiding! Three weeks go by and I hear nothing. I took it that he wasn't interested, but I knew that I had done the same thing to him, when he asked me out, and I was stressed at the hospital, I hadn't even given him an answer, so I thought I would call to see if all was ok. I expected him to say he was too busy to see me, so I started right off by telling him I wasn't calling to make plans with him and that he was off the hook about dinner, I just wanted to see if things were going better at work. We caught up and then I tried to get off the phone, I told him I had another call and I had to let him go. He stopped me and said "Wait a minute, do you still want to go out?" I said I didn't think that was a good idea. He said "I totally understand if you're seeing somebody else." I said "I'm not, I'm just not gonna wait around for phone calls that don't come." He said "I totally understand, I am sorry, I have been way more crazy then I would normally be, but I really want to still see you and I would LOOOOOOOOOVE to take you out to dinner." I didn't sound impressed. So he said "If you change your mind, call me." This baffled me. I really didn't think he was interested and I wanted to hear it for myself so I could stop thinking about it. I expected him to say "I am just too busy, I'm sorry, I would like to but..." But instead, he asked me out again AND told me to call him. I felt like he was lucky I had followed up on the coffee, but having called him again really ticked me off at him and myself. I have never called a guy twice, period. Granted he's the one who asked me out twice and then again after that, but he seemed to be either totally wrapped up in his own life and job or just screwing with my head. It sort of bothered me which it was. I called my girlfriend who is married to a doctor and she told me, get used to it, her husband is never home and he did the same things to her when they were dating. Most of my friends from the hospital agreed this was normal of a medical resident, but of course, we trained to think, if someone wants to, then they will call. So that's what I decided to say. I left him a maessage and I said "I realize your busy and I can certainly be supportive of that, having worked there myself and knowing what it's like, but I feel if you really want to go out, you would find a way to call and make plans to see me. And if you don't, it's no big deal, just let me know either way and it's fine. I am not accustomed to chasing anyone around, I realize your business, but I am not going to call you again. It's up to you, just be honest." About a week later, he calls me and leave this message about how sorry he is and that it's really only his job and his work hours and he would love to see me. he told me he's been insanely busy, but he would like me to come to a resident banquet on Sat. night and if I didn't show, he "try to call early in the week and see if you're still up for dinner. Again, I am really sorry I haven't gotten a chance to call or see you, I really hope I get to soon!" It seems everytime I give up on this guy, he pops back up. Ok, so now I think he is interested, it's his job. Phew. I'm surprised. I didn't want to call, but I txt to say I couldn't make it to the banquet, because I was away visiting family and I was about to head out with a friend, but for him to have fun. He was upposed to call about dinner early this week, I have heard nothing. My girlfriend told me I am being selfish and have no idea what hell his schedule is, but this is getting a little ridiculous!!!! He's 30 and if he's not interested, why not just say it? Why call and ask me to the banquet, why encourage me to "come find him" for coffee, why ask me to ...


Edited 1/25/2007 10:33 pm ET by givingup24

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:04am

It looks like your message got cut off; but, based on what I read and I only skimmed (Paragraphs would make it a LOT easier to read soemthing so long)...

He has reason to belive he's getting mixed signals from you too. He asks you about coffee twice, you are cool about it at best. You finally get coffee and he asks you for dinner and you suddenly go all weird about these calling rules.

Here's the bottom line. If you can't handle being the one who has to make the calls and make more effrot to date, don't date someone who is so busy. He's nice, you're nice, you're both hot for each other... you are NOT compatible. You need more attention and maintenance then he has time to provide. There is nothing WRONG with that. However, it would be pretty messed up for the two of you to attempt to have a relationship because he already knows he doesn't have enough time for you and you already know he doesn't have enough time for you. This is, quite simply, a recipe for disappoint, at best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 12:50pm
It's not his being busy that bothers me, it's that I can't tell if he's just trying to get rid of me, but is too nice to say it. Why else would he say "I will call you at the beginning of the week", still no call and it's Friday afternoon, when he already knows and I told him if he wants me, he has to show it? A lot of people think he's leading me on and that's what I am really wondering here. I can deal, if he's busy, but it would be nice to get a phone call once in a while just to know that. I don't mind calling, but I don't want to be the only one pursuing, either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:07pm

My honest opinion, and it may be a LOT more honest then you'll like is this...

Yes, the guy likes you. He didn't call because he got too busy just like he said.

"I can deal, if he's busy, but it would be nice to get a phone call once in a while just to know that. I don't mind calling, but..."

BUT< BUT< BUT... If there are all these "but"s then YES YOU DO MIND! You won't feel "loved" later when he doens't call any more then you feel "persued" now when he doens't call even though EVRYTHING he is telling you indicates he likes you. Anytime he doens't call when he says he will, you will create all the same drama and anxiety you are creating right now. It simply isn't healthy for EITHER of you.

I'm sorry, you need more attention then he has time to provide. Like I said there is NOTHING wrong with that!! Just don't try to lie to kid yourself into believing otherwise. You'll end up hurt and disappointed and having this very same conversation in three months only it'll go, "If he REALLY loved me wouldn't he call me SOMETIMES..." even though he's told you 18 times that he loves you to pieces.

You need more unsolicited contact in order to feel secure. That is alright. It's better that you know it now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:31pm
I totally see what you're saying, but I really think he isn't going to call at all, unless I call him. You don't think that is a clear sign that his actions aren't following his words? I really like this guy a lot, not so easy to say forget it. I want to support him, I just want to know he wants me to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 2:58pm

Ya know, if someone says "I like you, but I'm uber-busy right now and I just don't have time to call you like I would like to". Then he doesn't call like he would like to. I don't see any conflict between his actions and words.

I agree with Nick. This guy can't give you what you seem to need. Not because he doesn't like you, but because his life is not in a place to provide what you need. Go out and try and find a better fit.

I love warm weather, but I live in the NE and it's winter. No manner of wishing will make it warm outside and it's not really winter's fault...

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:15pm

I do think the guy legitimately likes you based on what you posted.

I also think it would not be a good idea for you to pursue a relationship with him. If you do you will spend a significant amount of time doing exactly what you are doing right now, worrying and wondering and over-anlayzing and trying to get a consenus of what other people think he thinks instead of simply believing what he says.

Either you're willing to stick your neck out or your not. If it were me I'd go for it, but then I wouldn't be on a message board hoping and praying someone will tell me that he really does like me and then debate the issue when they do. I wouldn't be wasting countless hours over-analyzing it in every detail before I've even been on so much as ONE real date.

But that's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 3:16pm
What's really strange about this is that I am finding that most guys (not aall, but most), are saying what the two of you are and most girls are saying the opposite. Most of the girls feel he's lying and playing with me, while most guys think I am stirring up "drama", because I am a needy girl (not needy in a bad way)...If he does call me back, I have decided that I am going to just talk to him. I am going to tell him that I really like him and I would like to be supportive of his career, but that he needs to at least keep his word so that we can establish some kind of trust if we are going to be seeing each other. I am also going to tell him that if it goes a week or more without hearing from him, I would appreciate if he would just call, txt or something to let me know all is ok and he will get back to me when he has more time. I don't think that's asking too much and that's what I need in order to feel secure in the relationship. I'm not asking that he call me everyday or be available every weekend, I like him enough to deal with that, but I am asking that he respects me enough to be honest and to at least communicate in some fashion with me. I think that's fair. That's IF he calls, as he has a history of not calling unless I call him, which is really the issue here. I shouldn't have to hunt him down, and I am done doing that.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 5:18pm

I think it's totally fair to lay out for him what you need. But he may not be willing or able to do those things, so that's when you need to decide if you can accept him AS IS, or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:29pm
I just don't see how people are so split on this. People here are insistant that I'm reading too much into this and not taking him at his word, the other half are saying he's a lying jerk and I am nuts to think otherwise...I don't know what to believe!!!!
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:36pm

Hmm. I don't know if there's more to the story that didn't get posted, or what, but I don't have enough information to say he's a "lying jerk". I do think however that he's a very busy guy who is probably not going to be able make time for a relationship, so I wouldn't get your hopes up if I were you, but why not try laying your cards on the table if he calls, and then seeing if he is willing to do what you need in order to date him?

Sheri

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