cat always has his tongue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
cat always has his tongue
8
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 1:59pm
Hi , I've been involved with a wonderful guy for almost 12 years. We are both 33 years old. We are raising my oldest child Ryan who will be 15 in june and we have a 11 year old daughter Faith. My honey is the only dad my son really knows, and I think my son would rather have it that way. We have been through it all, an affair 6-7 years ago, depression by no work, total happiness, total irresponsiblity on his part and so on.

He hasn't really spoken to me about our life , we live like any other married couple ; but we aren't married. we have the most awesome sex still, we feel there is no problem there. I can't bring up anything like marriage, future question . period! He has stopped telling me that I 'm preety and most all flirtations are only when its time to have sex. I can't start it at all anymore because well I'm a product of rejection a guess and it fallows me, so I have learned to not set myself up. I homeschool my youngest child, and I do all the chores. I'm incredibily lonely,he only talks is there is a question , or if friends are around. he does tell me he loves me. but everything else that I wonder about (us) and what happens when the children are grown and gone. I seem to only get the words I DON"T KNOW that seems like a real insult , a joke on me , after 12 years. Why won't he tell me. why does he not see a woman -me . why does comfy have to spell my name like that. how can I challenge his brain to open up. I have tried everything. I just keep telling him I can';t do this anylonger. And I'm still waiting as usual. please reply to me directly. 4peacesake@comcast.net
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 5:27pm
Unfortunately you've given over your life to someone else. You seem to be taking no responsibility for your own happiness or your own future. You've plopped it in his lap, and expect him to do something about it. It's no big surprise you are left waiting.

"I can't take this anymore", is a meaningless statement if you don't plan to take actions if it doesn't change. It has to be "I will do X and you will do Y. If this doesn't happen, then here are the consequences of that decision". Right now you are saying "This has to stop, or I'll say 'This has to stop' again". You are venting. You are not negotiating with an equal.

The only thing that can get his attention and put you in a position of an equal, is when you have nothing to lose by walking away. When you no longer "need" him (as he clearly does not need you), then things will be equal. You have to be willing to walk away. Communicate that willingness, and pack you bags to start walking. If he doesn't change his tune, then you have to walk.

Equality is based on equal needs, equal values and equal risk. If one person is so clearly in-debted to the other, then one person has no power, and the other has no reason to negotiate. It's an unbalanced relationship, and doomed to the life you are currently living.

This whole thing is in *your* power to change. It's not easy. Not in the least. However, you are the only one who can decide if you are willing to lay it all on the line to make that change. You have to understand the risks and be willing to take them. If you aren't willing to do that, then don't expect things to change. Ever. As a matter of fact, expect them to get worse.

Brokk...

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 8:35pm
You said he won't marry you, has cheated on you, won't talk about any future with you,is irresponsible, doesn't do any of the chores, doesn't talk to you & seems to have no interest in you as a person other than sex time.

Yet you describe him as "wonderful man" & have stayed 12 years & subjected your son to this example & even brought another child into it!

I don't get what you don't get here. Seems pretty clear to me that your boyfriend is just "there". He probably didn't plan to be around this long but his laziness & irresponsiblity coupled with your pregnancy blocked his exit temporarily. His refusal to discuss marriage or any future with you even after 12 years & having a child says that he still has a foot out the door! Look out if he sees a suitable exit (although who knows, his irresponsiblity could keep him with you forever-curious who pays the bills? does he work? welfare because you're an unwed mother or what?)

From what you've described Amy, aside from your unmarried status, you really don't "live like any other married couple" (other than the ones that are on the brink of a breakup)

Unfortunately you have 2 children involved here. I would strongly encourage couples counseling if he will go, if not, go alone. You have negative self esteem issues or you wouldn't have chosen him in the first place (& probably your 1st son's father). Realize that you deserve better & so does your children. They learn what they live.

I truely feel sorry for you and your children.

Best wishes,

Barbara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 04-19-2003 - 9:52pm
Title: Well, except for the assumption / judgements about the first child's father...

..I agree. I suspect the current SigO is deeply resentful about the relationship, but somehow feels "trapped"...either through his "commitment" to the child you alll share, or because he is too afraid / scared to be alone and / or find a new relationship.

Mama2 is right. He isn't going to change. HE ISN'T GOING TO CHANGE. He is at best too comfortable with the current situation (he calls all the shots, taking without giving), or is too afraid to leave for something WORTH caring about (at least to him).

Brokk is right...YOU are going to have to make all the changes...and this is only gonna get worse before it gets better.

Sorry...

Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 4:37pm
"Judge": to see, examine, decide. Nothing wrong with judgements, we all make them every day of our lives.

Howver you are right that I "assumed" here. Original poster stated:

" . . . My honey is the only father my son has ever known, & I think he prefers it that way". Coupled with the posters current poor choice in boyfriend, and her statement that her son doesn't know his bio father, I made the assumption that she probably didn't choose her sons father too well either. Hence his total lack of participation in his childs life!

You're right though, I have made assumptions. It could just as easily be the case that bio dad doesn't even know he has a son. Or bio dad could be dead or in jail. . .

Barbara


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:18am
My question - why are you subjecting your son to a man to whom your son has become attached and who could walk out the door at any time with absolutely no responsibilities to you or to him? At least if you were married you'd be giving your son an example of a stable committed adult relationship where your son would know either specifically or generally that he would be taken care of in the event of a divorce - and why after all this time are you passively waiting? If you knew this man was never going to marry you how long would you stay? After that time period is over tell him you want at least 6 months apart with no contact and that you will not date others - if he changes his mind from I Don't Know to Yes! he can contact you and you will consider it. I think it is time, even if you keep dating this guy, to keep separate homes and slowly distance your son from him, to protect him (and yourself) from any more heart ache than is necessary.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 8:45am
Since the child is not his, why would the child be guaranteed any sort of "security" in the event of a divorce? As it stands now, this man owes nothing to the child. This would not change simply by marriage.

I believe the man would have to specifically adopt, or become the legal guardian before being held responsible for the child, regardless of circumstances... In that case, marriage or lack of marriage is meaningless. Perhaps this is one of those things that varies by state though.

Brokk... (just curious how you came to that conclusion)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 9:58am
You are right - I was assuming with a marriage at least she could have more leverage to have some sort of agreement, or an adoption. Also, if they are married I think it is better for the child in the sense that he will be part of a family that includes a married mother and stepfather as opposed to an unstable shack up arrangement which is the case now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-21-2003 - 11:47am
"if they are married I think it is better for the child in the sense that he will be part of a family that includes a married mother and stepfather as opposed to an unstable shack up arrangement which is the case now."

I strongly disagree. It's not the piece of paper that makes a difference. If they were married, and he still treated her the same way, it would be no better for the child. I would take a loving supportive "unmarried" family, over a brooding, destructive married family. I've seen plenty of marriages between un-equal spouses. Where one mistreats or abuses the other. I think being in that sort of situation is bad for a child. That being a single parent who the child can respect and look up to, is better than surrounding the child with lessons on how to live a destructive life.

Marriage does not guarantee happiness or being treated well. People who think that are living in a fantasy. It's what happens between two people that matters. If your SO does not respect you, it doesn't make a difference whether you are married or not.

Brokk...