commitment-phobe? is that even real?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
commitment-phobe? is that even real?
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 4:11pm

I recently had a guy friend tell me that his friend and roommate, whom I have been dating casually for about two months, is a total commitment-phobe and that I shouldn't waste my time if I'm looking for anything remotely serious. My friend also said, quote "I know he likes you, and you shouldn't take his hot/cold behavior personally....but he's really weird about relationships."

I'm taking my friend's input seriously...but I have to wonder - is being "afraid of commitment" REALLY an issue for some guys or is it more of an excuse for bad behavior and/or just not being that into whatever girl they are currently seeing?

I just feel like it's such a dumb this day and age...haven't we moved past such stereotypes? The answer doesn't really have much bearing on my situation (I'm not particularly invested in this guy and he'd been walking the line of acceptable dating behavior anyway, so a recent incident gave me the perfect excuse to end things amicably before anyone (ME) got hurt), but I'm just curious to hear from the men and women who may have experienced this phenomenon before. How does a 29 year old guy who seems in every way normal (parents are together, older brother doesn't seem to have issues) end up being a total commitment-phobe who hasn't had a girlfriend in at least three years and shows ridiculously hot/cold behavior with girls that he supposedly likes? It's just weird.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 5:04pm

There are some people who are afraid of commitment and there are some people who just don't want to commit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 5:32pm

Excellent point. I was definitely coming from the perspective of "everyone wants a committed relationship at some point, DON'T THEY?!"

LOL. Thanks for the reality check.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 6:25pm
Any chance your guy friend wants to date you, or simply doesn't want you dating this guy for any reason?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 6:36pm

Ohhhh, you just got the "friend warning."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2007
Mon, 03-08-2010 - 7:05pm

crab: that thought has crossed my friend has been kind of bizarre about this whole thing and has tried to tease me about having crushes on his friends in the past...and the teasing always comes off kind of flat...but he has a pretty serious girlfriend (although he has been kind of wishy-washy about her even though I think she's awesome). Really, though, more than anything my gut feeling is that he's just kind of competitive. I don't think he likes being left out. Who knows, though.

He said how much he liked his roommate and what a great guy he is, and that he thought his roommate and I had a lot in common and he thought it had potential to work out, but he also said stuff like "well, X isn't very responsible with his money" and "X isn't the guy who wants to settle down and get married right now" (which I thought was hilarious - who said I wanted to get married right now?!) and "X is just a weird guy."

itshightime - yeah, I am taking the warning from my friend VERY seriously. In my head I've already stopped dating this dude, and I haven't talked to him since last week. I guess at some point I might have to contact him just so things aren't weird (as we have this mutual friend that I see fairly frequently), but I'm already moving on! I was getting some red flags anyway, and the talk with my friend helped put it all in perspective and gave me a solid reason to put an end to it.

Thanks you guys! It's nice to just kind of talk it out...I was kind of sad because we had AWESOME chemistry, but it was just chemistry...we hadn't gotten to know each other well enough for it to be more than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2008
Tue, 03-09-2010 - 8:34pm
IMAO: your "guy" friend likes you and wants to get rid of the competition! There is no such thing as commitment-phobe! There are so many things that have happened to men because of PC ideology he may have had a traumatic encounter(he won't admit).
This behavior is normal for any person. Somehow the idea that anyone must settle down immediately is absurd. It is not "bad behavior." A woman who exhibited the same behavior would be seen as "picky"? Another concern is "(I'm not particularly invested in this guy";While there is nothing wrong with "dating" for companionship or fun. or even keeping him on a string just in case you need/want a date" He should be told where he stands.
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