Communication and assumptions

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Communication and assumptions
16
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 9:57am

So I felt a bit like I was in a no-win situation yesterday and my wife suggested I ask all of you your opinion on it.

When we first moved in together long ago, I did most of the laundry. It was up/down three flights of stairs so I did most of the work. No problem. She was a grad student and most of my clothes were wash and wear. I would ruin the occasional bra of hers by throwing it in the drier, but that was about it.

Fast forward a few years till she started working in the real world. Now she has suits, dresses, bras and other outfits that have 'special needs'. I inevitably screw them up some way. So she has told me to keep away from the laundry. She does ask me to do certain loads on occasion, but she has come to the realization that she has to do most of it to preserve her own clothes.

So yesterday morning she throws in a load of whites. Later on she asked if I threw them in the drier when I went downstairs. I said I hadn't gone downstairs. She insisted that I did and I felt like I was berated for being too lazy to help out with the laundry. Later on I did go downstairs while she was taking a nap. I pulled the whites out of the drier and threw the load from the washer into the drier. I folded and sorted the whites and took a shirt that needed an alteration upstairs to work on. When she awoke from her nap, she looked at my shirt in horror and said "you didn't put the darks in the drier did you?!?". Well, she had a bathing suit in there and I didn't know about it or notice it as I transferred the clothes. She ran down in a panic and came back rather upset because she has such a hard time finding ones that fit right. Now it's ruined.

So I was left feeling pretty upset and damned no matter what actions I took. Yes there is the standing policy of don't touch the laundry without her permission. Yet she gave me a hard time because I *didn't* touch the laundry earlier. So I assumed I *should* be helping out with the laundry that day based on her reaction. Then I get in trouble for helping out. It seems like there is no way to win in this one.

So what do the women think of this? I am missing something too subtle for my male brain to pick up on?

Brokk...

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:57pm

I would just tell her exactly that--not in an angry way, but in a "hey, I know we have a standing agreement that I don't touch the laundry but when we had that whole thing about the drier yesterday, I felt like you *wanted* me to put stuff in the drier. So that's why I did it. What should I have done differently?"

And I guess the way to avoid this type of thing in the future would be to ask on the spot, "do you want me to go downstairs and put the stuff in the drier"?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 6:30pm
It's laundry, not rocket science. From my perspective, people who are always messing up a simple task are doing it because they don't want to do that task. Messing it up ensures that the other person will have to do it. Think about it. Iri
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 8:18pm

Interesting perspective. I don't mind doing it. It's simple and easy. Like you said, it's not rocket science. However sorting through clothes that are wet to look at each tag (assuming there is one, assuming it's in a standard location and assuming it actually has correct instruction and not merely "dry clean"), is no longer a simple or easy task.

I think the difference is between "doing laundry" and "doing laundry according to someone else's specific criteria that you don't really understand, because it changes with every outfit".

Yet all of this doesn't really answer the question I posted either.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2008
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 9:46pm
Why not tell her that if she wants you to do her *delicates* that she should simply keep them separate. This way you know that they do not go in the dryer. Buy her a separate laundry bag....problem solved. Either that, or ask her for the run-down of what she doesn't want in the dryer....bathing suits, bras, etc. I still think that it would be better though if SHE took the responsiblity of keeping them separate. Good luck. ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 7:57am

I did a lot of laundry in my first marriage and my ex-wife used to do that. She had a sepperate pile of "delicates" that needed special handling. Know what? That pile just grew and grew and grew. Since she wanted it handled specially and I just did the general laundry, that pile spent 4/5ths of it's life dirty and waiting to be washed, rather than clean and in the closet. She couldn't justify the extra time it took to properly wash it either.

I'll suggest the extra laundry bag for delicates. However, we currently have six laundry bags as it is and I lose count of the laundry baskets. Something like 8 or 9...

Brokk...

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:06pm

I guess I don't understand the question then...because it seems to me that suggesting that you basically say to her "I felt like I was in a no-win situation, what should I have done differently?" does address what I thought you were asking ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:27pm

My "this doesn't answer the question" comment, was not in response to your post, but to anothers who suggested I didn't want to do laundry and if I messed things up it was because I was intentionally sabotaging it to get out of doing it again in the future.

Sorry if there was confusion.

Our whole conversation which resulted in her asking me to post here started with "I feel like I'm in a no win situation today in respect to the laundry".

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 6:44pm

I agree with I love to play - keep it separate. If that doesn't work I highly recommend not going anywhere near her laundry even if you're threatend at gun point!

My husband has screwed up the laundry before and I tend to keep special handling stuff separate but I, like you, have screwed up my own laundry because I simply forgot something wasn't supposed to go in the dryer and tossed it in with everything else so who am I to get mad?

I don't see a passive-aggressive agenda nor do I think you did anything wrong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:50am

I think this is a much larger issue than just THIS particular load of laundry. You've basically said "if she wants certain laundry to have special treatment then she should do it herself" b/c otherwise it makes laundry just "too complicated" and too hard. Unfortunately its a FACT of life that certain type of clothes need special needs--they may be hers, they may be yours or they may be your children's (if you have any). Its not just that she has some weird preference for clothes--just like you, I'm sure SHE doesn't want it to be complicated & doesn't want to have to spend the extra time to do it right--but because the family can't afford to buy her new clothes every day, she is forced to take the special care required to preserve the clothes. Given this fact (ie the clothes NEED to be treated this way, its not just some weird special preference of hers), you attitude that you don't want to do anything that takes the task from "simple to more complicated" is basically the same as saying "I'll only do this if its simple, otherwise do it all yourself." That's not a very helpful or compromising attitude & in reality is pretty selfish. If you truly are equal, you should want to share the burdens of family life, including the laundry--and you shouldn't make her shoulder that burden alone. To be honest, I wonder if your wife may even subconsciously resent your attitude and have a bit of a built up angerthat you refuse to do laundry if its not "simple and easy." Her blow up over this PARTICULAR laundry load probably reflected that deep seated and maybe subconscious resentment. Does this make sense at all?

Think about it this way--what if you both shared a car that took only a special type of premium gas and your wife told you "the only gas station that offers that premium gas is five miles out my way home from work. Therefore I'm just never going to fill the tank because that makes it too complicated." Her attitude in effect, places all the burden of upkeeping your mutual car on you--even though its something that just needs to be done to maintain the car--not fair. Similarily, laundry between two married people should be a shared household burden & should be shared equally--even the complicated tasks. Again, its not a fun or simple task for her either, but she does it b/c it needs to be done. Since its just something that needs to be done, it should be equally split --otherwise you are putting the entire load of a shared obligation on her. (Either that or earn enough to let her buy new clothes every time you ruin them b/c its too "complicated" or time consuming to sort them. hee hee)

Its like the analogy from the movie "The Break-UP" where the female character says "I don't want to have to ASK you to do the dishes, I WANT you to WANT to do the dishes." What she's trying to say is no one WANTS to do dishes--its simply somrthing that needs to be done--threrefore if you truly love someone, you should want to help them and share their burdens & not make them shoulder such burden alone--even if its not easy or fun for you. After all, that's what giving in marriage is all about. Similarly, in this case nobody WANTS to do laundry that isn't simple and is more complicated, but since it needs to be done, if you love here & want to help ease her burden, you help out and LEARN what stuff (of hers or the kids or the household) needs special treatment. Otherwise you're not really supporting her and are making her shoulder the entire burden IMHO.

P.S. I know men can learn this stuff--when I was in high school my dad did a majority of the laundry for our family--which included 3 women. He eventually learned what could be put in the dryer, what couldn't, etc.--and if he was at all unsure, he read the tag or asked. No it wasn't fun, and I'm sure he did not enjoy it, but it was part of doing the laundry for the family since my mom was working all the time and therefore something he just did.




Edited 7/18/2006 12:01 pm ET by riskitgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 12:41pm
Brokk, I gotta agree with Riskitgirl's last sentiment. Learn what goes in the dryer and what doesn't.

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