Communication issues..please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Communication issues..please help!
11
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 12:14pm

Ok, why do guys get stressed out when we cry about things that are upsetting us? I was really upset yesterday about my job search and he just told me i was being ridiculous and shouldn't be getting so upset about something I can control. I admitted that I have been lazy to an extent about finding a career (I graduated last yr)but nonetheless, I was upset about the options I was finding in my area. I am having trouble finding something I am interested in, and he's just like, " you need to take my advice if i'm going to help"..and we got into a fight about that--and how I told him i will take his advice into CONSIDERATION but ultimately it is up to me. He turned the situation around a bit saying that all my crying and being emotional was stressing him out. He is so stubborn---if something wouldn't upset him, he tells me straight off the bat that I should not worry about it. I don't think he thinks that people think differently!

Anyways, I told him my peace, and I think we are OK now, I am just still frustrated why he was being so controlling (when he said he didn't want to control me) and saying that I MUST take his advice. Why can't guys just BE THERE for their girlfriends without trying to solve their problems for them. I'm sure some guys can, but maybe mine can't. What do you guys think about this situation? I just need someone else's input. THANK YOU!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 1:02pm

It's the old "damsel in distress" syndrome in action!


Guys tend to want to help the damsel in distress, but only if it is to "save" her. He will offer his advice as the thing to do. It is very hard for a guy to just sit and listen, and just be a shoulder to cry on without trying to fix the situation. It is definitely an acquired skill.


I'm sure that he thinks if you ARE going to use him to cry on, he is going to want to get you to stop crying. And

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 1:15pm

Hey Joel,
Thanks a lot. It really helps getting a guy's perspective. I have been talking to my mom about it and she keeps on comparing my boyfriend to my dad..."well, you're father was always supportive" and so on.

I was thinking the same thing about him. I think it is hard for a lot of guys to just listen and not solve things. That's why i'm giving him a chance--even though he really pissed me off last night because he did not come over. He is still pretty immature(he's almost 22, i'm 23) and does not know much about girls...so i'm trying not to be hard on him. But, would you run to your girlfriend at the first moment you heard she was upset? I guess I expect a lot--but when he has been upset about things I have gone to his house just to be there for him in his time of need. I think that he just wanted to avoid the whole crying fiasco. Ah, what to do, what to do.

Thanks again for your insight. If you or any one else wants to chime in again, it is much appreciated! Because I am new to this dating thing too...did not have much time to do it in college...so this is my first serious boyfriend and now I am really seeing how differently men and women think!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 1:41pm
Hell Dune, when I was 22 , I had NO clue! I mean, I WAS brought up to be a gentleman, and respect women, so I DID have that going for me, which is a good portion of the battle. Lots of guys have no idea how to respect a woman. You are good to listen to your mothers advice, and be patient. And the old girls mature faster than boys thing - there IS a lot of truth to that.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:17pm

Yeah, let me tell you. I just talked to my dad about the situation, and he had a very different perspective than my mom did. He talked about how he couldn't deal with my mom getting emotional about so many issues and crying and that he basically did all the same things my boyfriend did, in so many actions.

Also, I have been reading up on all these articles on this site and askmen.com and they say basically the same thing. I know I am sounding pathetic right now because those articles make me feel better--but I don't understand men just as much as they don't understand women! I guess I was trying to decipher whether he was being a big @$$hole or whether he was just being a communication-challenged man. Now i'm pretty confident that he is the latter. You are very right about what you said before---"if A is making her cry then i have to find a solution to A to make her stop"---So funny how we can make certain generalizations about the opposite sex and have them be very true. I never knew it was this confusing to figure out why men and women think so differently! I am so naive....

You are right about respect. That's one of the most important things you can have. ALthough my boyfriend is still really stubborn about certain things, I know he respects me for who I am, that's why i'm holding onto him for a while ; )

Avatar for cl_littlemascara
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 2:46pm
glad you found some helpful advice from Joel and askmen.com.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2002
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:29am
You HAVE to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray. This is so classic. The woman just wants someone to listen and the man wants to be Mr. Fix-It. It's totally NORMAL. Then the woman gets mad because he doesen't listen and support her and he gets mad because she doesen't take his advice.
It's a great book on the differences between how men and women relate. I wish I had read it in my 20's because there would have been more times I would have gone "Oh, this is just him being a guy." Instead of "What a big, stupid A-hole he's being."
Check it out.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2006
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:43pm
Hey, thanks! Yeah, i always knew that there were differences..but until I was in a serious relationship, I never knew that they were going to be the way they are..if that makes any sense whatsoever....I was browsing around the relationship books in barnes and noble today..i probably would have gotten a book like that if my boyfriend wasn't with me LOL....but I think I am going to check that out...thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sat, 05-13-2006 - 4:55pm

I agree about "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and your boyfriend should read it too... it will help him understand you better. I gave a copy to my then-BF now-DH - yeah, the macho I-know-it-all nothing-wrong-with-me it's-all-you, guy. He read it, then bought me "Mars and Venus in Love" as a gift. I've overheard him telling guy friends they should read the Men are from Mars book, when he thought I wasn't listening. LOL

This is really the only relationship-type book I've read, but it changed my life, and is partly responsible for why my marriage is so good today.

HIGHLY recommended by:
Msfit

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2006
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 10:37am

It depends how much you moaned about your problem, if you go on and on like this, it can be nerve ragging. As he might have stress himself and maybe cannot talk about it.
Ask him to listen to you maybe just for an hour and then you stop this subject.
Also it can make him anxiety to see you crying or unhappy with this problem, seeing a women unhappy can occur painful memories inside him, maybe he always had a unhappy moaning mother. When feelings occur humans feel vulnerable, anxious and powerless.
You also talk about your father. Your boyfriend is not like your father, he is different.
We are all indiviuals.
You want to be understood.
Try to learn to understand yourself, try to feel valuable, even that you have not made a career yet.

Lilaflower

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:25am
We listen, see you hurting, and just want to help. It's so difficult when we hear you venting about your problems and we just don't know what to say, so we feel like we have to say, well, something, and trying to solve the problem (you being unhappy) seems like a natural thing for us to do. We don't know how to talk with you like another girl does; we don't know if you'd like us anymore if we did. We're afraid of not being 'man enough', and afraid of being too much of one. Try to remember, he's there with you, and he really wants to help. It's just that we don't know exactly how you want us to be.

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