confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
confused
6
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 2:52pm
My ex and I have been broken up for almost 9 months now. We dated on and off for 4 years. We have been talking a lot recently. We went out 2 weekends ago and had a good time. He was hugging and kissing me like we were together. Then we went out again this weekend. Friday night we just were hanging out at my place. I asked him basically if there was a possibility if we could get back together. he said "you know as well as I do that we just can't date." I got upset. Then he started hugging me and kissing me again. Then the next day we went out and as we were walking around in the mall he held my hand then when we got home I went to get out of his truck and he said no please stay for a few more minutes. Then he started kissing me again. Like he never said anything. Is he just scared of getting hurt again or is he just playing me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vanillasmoothie
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 3:08pm
"you know as well as I do that we just can't date"

Truer words, were never spoken.

Once you have reached a certain level of intimacy with someone, you can't "just date" anymore. You can't go back to not knowing each other. You can't go back to the way it was before. Once a line has been crossed, you must leave that behind. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse.

However, sex with an ex is often the best. You two already know each other well enough to leave behind the awkwardness. You know how to turn each other on, and what each other likes. There is a comfort there that you will never have with someone new. It's only comes with time and intimacy that's already been shared.

I'm not sure if he wants a relationship with you. Many people don't believe second chances ever work. I personally think it's very rare for them to work, unless there has been some large chunk of time and personal growth since the breakup (measured in years, not months or weeks).

My assumption is that he wants the benefits of a relationship, without treading a doomed path. So kisses, hugs, holding hand and possibly sex. That comfort of being with each other, without the struggle that can often take place in a relationship.

Is he "playing you"? I don't think so. If he was, then he wouldn't have given you such a straightforward answer about ever getting back together. Kind of a stupid thing to do if you are just playing someone...

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: vanillasmoothie
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 3:25pm
I believe you misinterpreted what he said. To me, "We can't just date", means that he would want an exclusive, long-term relationship...not something on-and-off. Simply asking, "What do you mean that we can't just date?" would have probably cleared this up before you got upset with him.

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vanillasmoothie
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 3:38pm
There's a difference between "we can't JUST date" and "we just CAN'T date" I believe he was saying the latter.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vanillasmoothie
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 4:25pm
I agree. He enjoys hanging out with you, and would probably enjoy sleeping with you, but knows that you can't be in a relationship. And since he's told you that, he's not playing you. It's up to you to decide if you're ok with what he's offering.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: vanillasmoothie
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 4:41pm
I did misread the statement. Depending on his emphasis on the word could mean different things. The word "just" is somewhat confusing. It hints at a hesitancy to do something, but is not a definitive statement. She should ask him what his intentions are instead of assuming he means something that he may not.

Curtis

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: vanillasmoothie
Wed, 04-16-2003 - 4:44pm
As my father used to say to my brother and I...."I don't say "because" to you children so don't come in here with "just" in your sentences unless you want no for an answer. You're likely just trying to portray it as something it's not, or you're just trying to find a way to justify doing something wrong."

He was absolutely right.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com