confused...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
confused...
8
Fri, 02-01-2013 - 8:36pm

I'm interested in a guy who has become one of my closest friends.  We just started getting to know each other in late September where the first time we hung out we were with a mutual friend.  About a week after, we went to a bar to watch a game together and talk.  We ended up staying up all night watching movies and talking with some kissing.  Afterwards, he told me how he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and wasn't sure how I was taking things.  We never really discussed it after that and he started coming over every day.  He then started telling personal things, about his past and his goals.  Eventually he started sleeping over and we started fooling around.  He would then told me that we should just go with the flow and see what happens and even had discussions of "If we were a couple".  Sometime in late november, he started pulling away a bit (even though I would see him frequently) and I didn't know how to react and probably got too clingy.  I know he told me how he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to work on himself.

We ended up having a huge discussion a few times about relationships and what we both wanted.  He said something about how I was getting too comfortable and it was becoming too much of a relationship.  All the while he has been telling me things before he told his other friends.  A few weeks ago, we talked again in which I finally admitted I wanted more.  He told me that while I was beautiul, he only saw me as a friend and he thought I deserved better than him.  He also mentioned about how he isn't ready for a relationship because of his finincial situation and that he didn't want to "go there" again with relationships.  He has been hurt in the past badly and has sworn himself against becoming attached to anyone.  He told me that something was missing but that he wasn't going anywhere. 

I'm not sure what to do or feel because I really thought he was starting to develop feelings for me too.  We were basically in a relationship together before I got clingy or freaked out about where it was going.  One of his closest friends told me how he thought that he was probably in denial or didn't realize what he felt yet.  He mentioned the same things that the guy told me with not being in the place or feeling like he didn't have what he thought i deserved or knew how to juggle having a girlfriend and still doing what he wants in the future.  He is someone that completely took me by surprise and is such a huge part of my life now.  I care about him in a way that I didn't think was possible.  It hurts me a lot to know that he doesn't see me as more.  I guess I'm not sure what I should do.  If i stay and hope for more or walk away from the friendship? We are still sometimes kissing/cuddling but it has decreased a lot.  I could see more with this guy than just friends, I just wish there was a way to be more than friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: jacks07
Sat, 02-02-2013 - 12:34pm

If I were you I would honestly be insulted by his behavior.  It's like he is getting the benefits of a relationship (physical activity, having a confidante, having you around all the time) but because he told you up front that he didn't want a relationship, then it becomes your fault for being clingy.  He can go "see, didn't I tell you I didn't want a relationship?  So I don't understand why you're attached to me.)  I would not wait around doing the same thing hoping that you can make him like you as more than a friend--that never works.  His mind right now is set on not wanting a relationship whether his reasons are good or not.  It's up to you whether you can stand being around this guy and only being friends.  If you decide you can do that, I'd cut off all physical activity--no kissing even.  If he asks why, tell him that you got the message that he only wants to be friends and the only way you can do that is to act like just a friend and you don't go around kissing all your guy friends--that's saved for boyfriends.  When a guy says "I am not good enough for you" the answer is usually--"yeah, you're right.  I deserve a guy who really wants to be in a relationship with me."

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: jacks07
Mon, 02-04-2013 - 8:43am

jacks07 wrote:
<p>I'm interested in a guy who has become one of my closest friends.  We just started getting to know each other in late September where the first time we hung out we were with a mutual friend.  About a week after, we went to a bar to watch a game together and talk.  We ended up staying up all night watching movies and talking with some kissing.  Afterwards, he told me how he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and wasn't sure how I was taking things.  We never really discussed it after that and he started coming over every day.  He then started telling personal things, about his past and his goals.  Eventually he started sleeping over and we started fooling around.  He would then told me that we should just go with the flow and see what happens and even had discussions of "If we were a couple".  Sometime in late november, he started pulling away a bit (even though I would see him frequently) and I didn't know how to react and probably got too clingy.  I know he told me how he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to work on himself.</p><p>We ended up having a huge discussion a few times about relationships and what we both wanted.  He said something about how I was getting too comfortable and it was becoming too much of a relationship.  All the while he has been telling me things before he told his other friends.  A few weeks ago, we talked again in which I finally admitted I wanted more.  He told me that while I was beautiul, he only saw me as a friend and he thought I deserved better than him.  He also mentioned about how he isn't ready for a relationship because of his finincial situation and that he didn't want to "go there" again with relationships.  He has been hurt in the past badly and has sworn himself against becoming attached to anyone.  He told me that something was missing but that he wasn't going anywhere. </p><p>I'm not sure what to do or feel because I really thought he was starting to develop feelings for me too.  We were basically in a relationship together before I got clingy or freaked out about where it was going.  One of his closest friends told me how he thought that he was probably in denial or didn't realize what he felt yet.  He mentioned the same things that the guy told me with not being in the place or feeling like he didn't have what he thought i deserved or knew how to juggle having a girlfriend and still doing what he wants in the future.  He is someone that completely took me by surprise and is such a huge part of my life now.  I care about him in a way that I didn't think was possible.  It hurts me a lot to know that he doesn't see me as more.  I guess I'm not sure what I should do.  If i stay and hope for more or walk away from the friendship? We are still sometimes kissing/cuddling but it has decreased a lot.  I could see more with this guy than just friends, I just wish there was a way to be more than friends.</p>

Man! He is breathtakingly selfish!  He is wanting his cake and eating it, too. 

I say that because:

About a week after, we went to a bar to watch a game together and talk.  We ended up staying up all night watching movies and talking with some kissing.  Afterwards, he told me how he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and wasn't sure how I was taking things.  We never really discussed it after that and he started coming over every day.  He then started telling personal things, about his past and his goals.  Eventually he started sleeping over and we started fooling around.  He would then told me that we should just go with the flow and see what happens and even had discussions of "If we were a couple". 

You know what? If you know you're not ready to be in a relationship, then you don't sit up and kiss someone or enter into any behavior that can be construed as you bending your mind to being open to that level of intimacy with them when you know doggone well that that is what they want out of you.

he told me how he wasn't ready to be in a relationship and wasn't sure how I was taking things. 

It sounds like he wants a "FWB(friends with benefits)" arrangment with you. Thing is: you were taking things exactly the way one would in the same circumstances: you were taking them as his level of interest was deepening towards more than friendship.  Sex has a way of doing that sometimes.  I don't know of many women who get sexual with friends who they know aren't down for that.

I know he told me how he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to work on himself.

He is sending you mixed signals.  If he wasn't ready for a relationship and wanted to work on himself, then he doesn't get to come over every day. He doesn't get to sleep over and he doesn't get to fool around.  He goes home and he works on himself.

 He said something about how I was getting too comfortable and it was becoming too much of a relationship.

He's projecting. That is what he was doing.  I agree with Music about him insulting your intelligence.  He's attempting to punish you and make you own what he is doing.

Like I said above, he needed to go home and stay home if he didn't want you to get too comfortable with him around, taking up your time telling you all about his private business.

We are still sometimes kissing/cuddling but it has decreased a lot.

This needs to stop.  A person who does not want a relationship and is accusing you of "getting too comfortable" or reading more into what is there does not get to reap the benefits of being involved with you.  They take their silly self home and act like someone who doesn't want a relationship, which will leave you free to find a man who does want what you want.

What you should do is end him coming to you for physical and emotional comfort.  Why should he get it, but you can't get what you need?  Until this guy sees you as more than a friend with whom he can grab benefits without reciprocity, all you can be is a friend.  Do you act this way with all of your male friends?  Then put him into the same category as them and keep it moving.

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
In reply to: jacks07
Mon, 02-04-2013 - 9:22am

I agree with the previous posters.

Pretty much every time I see a discussion topic with the word "confused" in it, it seems it is always the sceanrio you decribe. I'm personally really tired of men using these cliches and attempting to make women feel responsible or like they are asking for too much. If a guy can't be enthusiastic about being with me, especially if we've had sex, then he can just take his silly self home and "work" on himself all he wants.

And in all the history of the world, when has a man who was interested in a woman ever wanted to pull back and work on himself?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
In reply to: jacks07
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 12:04am

 Hi

    Look he is being as honest as he knows.  Sometimes the timing is not right other times there are factors that are not in alignment.  If you want a "relationship" or a FWB or a BFONC(boy friend on call) those are your decisions with the other person's agreement.  Some people do need all their ducks in a row.  Enjoy it for what it is not for what it is not.

Goldfish

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
In reply to: jacks07
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 9:39am
Music and Kenda have already given great responses. The only thing to add is the bottom line, how can you trust this guy at all? He's dangling you like a puppet and already has established a simple built-in excuse for every time he bails after anything physical which sounds something like "See, I told you I wasn't ready."
 
Often "confusion" is really just that what people actually understand within, but doesn't match up with what they want to happen. I think your instincts know you have to pull back before any more of your energy and time is used up by this guy for the same eventual bad outcome. 
 
When two people meet and are both ready, there is no confusion or excuses.
 
However, let's say you do cling to this situation and end up in a relationship with him. Based on all his actions so far, how could anything but the following scenario happen - you become even more emotionally attached and invested until one day a few weeks or months later, he just decides - nope, still not ready, goodbye. And he will fall back on his excuse of something like "I told you I wasn't ready so you shouldn't be upset by this."
 
You sound like a very caring and thoughtful person. I think you are worth a lot more than being a puppet. Hopefully you agree.
Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Kendahke1
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 8:25pm

A man who doesn't want a relationship does not get to come over every day, sleep over and fool around--aka: engaging in behavior that can be construed as him wanting a relationship with someone who he darn well knows wants a relationship. 

In the absense of getting crystal clear on wanting a FWB arrangment, which is not what he did, and behaving in a way where no one is left confused by the ardour of the other, it's plain selfishness and not honesty that's in play here. If he was truly being honest, then that would have been on the table from day one and from that he would never have budged in intimacy--emotional or physical--and she wouldn't be confused. That is not what she said has gone down.

  It was not until she said something to him that his rhetoric stopped squaring up with his actions and that's the definition of being dishonest.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: Kendahke1
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 8:28pm

she should not have to divine his intent, if his intent is crystal clear to everyone involved.  If this is as honest as he knows, then he's a long way from being honest and need to go work on that instead of being selfish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
In reply to: jacks07
Tue, 02-12-2013 - 7:39am

It's all crap.  Read the book "He's Just Not That Into :You".  Any man who WANTS to be with a woman, will move heaven and earth to do so.  They will ask you out again BEFORE the first date is over and make moves to get together.  YOU won't be the one doing all the work.  Move on.  He's not worth it.