iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 04-24-2003 - 1:47am
Hey! Hope everyone is doing well. This might be a little long, but just need some advice. About 2 and a half months ago my ex-fiancee and I broke up. I was devestated, but now I am ok because I found pic of him in my high heels and dress sending to gay men. Also corresponding with gay older men in a different email address. And then finding girls with another one. And one girl he really likes is an ex he. But whatever. That is another LONG story. He was also a drug addict, arrest record for OUI, and alcoholic. So basically he was COMPLETELY wrong for me. I finally woke up and realized I wanted and deserved more. I am 21 and graduating from college in one month from today actually! MAGNA CUM and dean's list every semester. So back to why I am confused.

I started haning out with friends and having fun again. I feel alive and loving life finally after over a year of being brainwashed and out of the loop. So I never had any guy friends before cuz I was always uncomfortable around them, but now I am more open and out going. BTW I have only kissed like 3 guys ever and ex eas first real boyfriend ever and first everything. So I am not really ready for anything real cuz so much going on with leaving school soon and stuff. But I had a crush on one of the guys I hung out with. He is 19 so a little younger. And did something NEVER would have done before. I told him I liked him and we went on a date. We had a great time, but I got really scared and said I am not ready for anything. So that was like a month ago. I was still very confused and we would joke around and just be whatever. Just fun friends. I would be odd sometimes around him cuz got nervous. So then in past week I was like wish I was ready for a relationship cuz he is sweet and told him that. Then things were changing. He would come up to my dorm and hang out and talk. I can be completely honest with him which is rare for me. I tell him things like the ex and he is still fine with everything. He is so understanding it is scary. He knows girls and knows when not to argue with us. He said nothing can scare him. He knows intimate stuff and still cool. Well the other night sunday actually. I had like two drinks and was sleepy and with him and other friends. I was tired and started falling asleep in his bed and then got up. He IMed me and was like I was comfy and could have fallen asleep do you want company? So he came to my dorm room. We cuddled and just that! He did not try a thing! Only peck on the lips. Did not do anything, but cuddle. So that was a lil confusing, but whatever. Cuz I am torn cuz want to try but also do not want to hurt him cuz I can become cold if get scared. I already told him that too. So anyways. He told a friend how he had never slept so well ever and so cuddly and comfy. So it was fun cuz I missed companionship and he is a great guy. So then last night he asked if he could come up and visit for a while.

So we started watching tv and everything. We started flirting and tickling and just cuddling and it was getting late. He asked so what are we doing? I said I do not know. I am very confused. I am not ready for anything. And do not want to hurt you. He said that is cool. I do not mean to confuse you either and totally understand it all. And only three weeks left so ya know? I said yes I understand. Then I was like what if I kissed you. He said not a good idea cuz be confusing. Then he was like well three weeks? Only do somethings in such short amount of time and I do not want to be one of those guys. But he said I do not want to look back and wish we had at least whatever. I said a few times nope your first decision was no. Then we kissed and made out for a while. He was so sweet and gentle and it was just good. Then he cuddled me to sleep for like 3 hours. He got up to go to class and he tucked me in and gave a peck on the forehead and said sleep well hun. It was so sweet.

So I saw him today and he was very cool and just normal. And came to visit again and just put head on lap as watched TV. I am just so confused because like the attention and cuddling and kissing and stuff. And I like him a lot too, but my mind is still so confused. I do not want to hurt him. Do you think I am doing anything wrong? I have been COMPLETELY honest about how I feel and he says we are on the same page. Should I just go with the flow? I already told him not ready for sex or anything and he is cool with that cuz he is a virgin still. Any advice???? PLEASE HELP ME! I do not want to get scared and starting being cold and all weird cuz he def does not deserve it at all. Thank you in advance for ANY advice! Have a great day!

Happygirl =)