Contact to Zero Contact, what's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2014
Contact to Zero Contact, what's going on?
5
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 1:17pm

I’m hoping someone can help me…

I’ll try to make this as short and to the point.  I became friends with a guy a friend introduced me to about 11 years ago.  We were just friends, and then it developed into that FWB thing.  We eventually lost communication due to different circle of friends, work, and moving – just general ‘life’ stuff.   After a few years passed, we hooked up again.  Unbenounced to me, the guy had a GF at the time.  I finally found out and confronted him, and he said it was an open relationship so it was “OK.”  I was alright with it after mulling it over in my head, as I do not have any kids, no BF and a steady job, so …. If it’s OK with his GF, then alright.  Of course, as you can imagine, BAD CHOICE on my part.  First off, I began to have stronger feelings for him and that just messed things up for me as he did not have the same for me.  I was basically his ‘last-call’ when no other girl in his black book was available.  Suffice to say, I cut it off and deleted from my life all contact as I thought it would be best to move on.  I was sad and hurt and went through the usual blue period but since have gotten over it.

 

Well, a couple years pass and I hear from him out of the blue.  His father had just passed away and he lost his job then moved to the other side of the US.  He would call and text me and we would skype a lot.  He was depressed, sad, etc.  I helped him through his dark period of his life and even helped his mom with funeral stuff.  He would ‘indulge’ me with sexting quite often and we’d always start and end the day/evening with a good morning and good night text.  Well, he recently has found himself a new GF and again, says it’s an open relationship. But of course living 2000 miles away, there’s no physical contact with him. But when I went on vacation, he’d sext me but would tell me if I want to send pics to email them because he ‘just wanted better quality photos and not the crappy phone pics’  I never sent any photos.  It just didn’t feel right.  Even when I went out of state for holiday, I had mentioned it to him, he immediately said he’d come visit “that is, if you want to see me (wink wink)” ß that’s what he said but  never did hear any more about it.

 

But one thing I miss is the Good Morning and Good Night text which have stopped.  He used to tell me all about his day at work, what he had done during the evening, such as his hiking or biking expeditions he went on with a meet up group or send me links to his photos he’d take. But again, this has all stopped.  I rarely hear from him.  And I DO understand when we get our GF’s and BF’s that it can be time consuming, so to speak, but he was always the one to say, “if I get a GF I will never cut you out of my life, we are friends forever.” 

 

So, I am kind of hurt and saddened by his behavior.  I mean how can we go from texting and calling one week and the next, I hear nothing from him? 

 

When I was in a relationship, I never disconnected my friendships with the gals from work or anything …. I understand ‘boys and girls’ are different….but still I feel left out and kinda sad.

 

Is this normal?  Should I say something about it to him or leave it alone and let him just go on his way again?

 

I admit, I am a bit confused.

Thanks in advance for any suggestion!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 3:11pm

You are not really a friend because the friendship doesn't go both ways--it's what you can do for him.  You were great to latch on to when he was sad and depressed and didn't have anyone else but now that he has a GF why does he need you any more?  I don't believe that open relationship stuff either.  He probably said it because he wanted you to believe he wasn't a cheater but his old GF (and new GF) probably didn't say it was ok.    Now maybe he found someone he really cares about and doesn't want to risk that by communicating with another women, esp. if in the past you have done some sexting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2014
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 3:29pm
Thanks Musiclover12 for your reply. Yes, after thinking about it, that sounds about right...he's in relationship that he's committed to and doesn't want to risk anything. And YES, most definitely, like you said, I was someone he could latch onto at HIS convenience. Do you think I should just leave him alone? I mean regarding texting (no sexting of course). Or should I say something like "I realize you really care for ___ and I don't want to risk anything for you and her" and leave it at that? Or just not respond to his texts altogether? Thanks! Sorry...I know this is pretty self explanatory stuff but like others opinion before I jump the gun.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 5:25pm

Really, how many women have you met in your lifetime who say that it's okay for their "boyfriend" to sext or screw other women? I've lived a long time on this planet and have never encountered such a woman. If it were actually a fact, then his pattern is that he chooses women who are okay with this, which means this is the lifestyle he prefers. Why would you waste one breath on this piece of garbage? Don't you deserve a higher class of man in your life? If you're willing to settle and find yourself clinging to inappropriate men, you need to do some soul searching and figure out why. You may be lacking in self esteem, so a good thing to do is check out some books from the library to work on your self worth, or google some articles to read on that subject.

Communicating with this man is like being on a ferris wheel. It keeps going round and round and gets you back to the exact same place you started--nowhere.  If he texts you again, tell him you're moving on and don't wish to communicate with him ever again. If he does, don't answer. If you have no will power, change your number. Every thought and action spent on this nowhere man could be time spent in participating in activities where you could meet decent men. Try meetups.com. Try volunteering at a place like Habitat for Humanity. Join a co-ed sports league. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Fri, 07-04-2014 - 6:28pm

Probably what happened is that his gf found out about the sexting and daily messages and told him to choose between her or you. I'd bet the relationship was not really "open", he just told you that because otherwise you would stop the inappropriate contact. If you and he were just old platonic friends the gf probably wouldn't have a problem with you continuing the friendship, but sexting indicates that it was more. Even everyday good morning and good night messages is more than most gf's would find comfortable because of the strong attachment/possible emotional affair that it implies.

I advise you to let him go and move on with your life. If he breaks up with the current gf you might start hearing from him again and you'll have to decide if you want to get back on the merry go round...and expect it to be the same routine until he gets another gf.

Is there a reason that you don't try to find a bf in your current city for a face to face relationship?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 07-05-2014 - 1:46pm

He's 2000 miles away!    That right there is the real flag.  Very rarely do long distance work and in the meantime if one is not careful  romantic energy is being wasted.  Then one looks around and sees that life is pasing them by.

dragowoman