CoWorker/Friend /Roomate turned more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
CoWorker/Friend /Roomate turned more?
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 3:18pm
Hi. I would love a guy's opinion on this, but if other women have experience with this, I appreciate their opinions too...

Since my last BF cheated and left me for someone else, I have pretty much retired from the dating scene. I was very much in love with him and no matter what, I couldn't accept another man in my life. That was almost 3 years ago, and I've been pretty happy and fullfilled on my own.

An old friend who I used to work with moved into town and recently moved in as my roomate. He and I have always been friends, have a great time together and have known eachother thru many different situations. But we never thought about getting together...mostly because I refused to. All our friends keep bugging us to become a couple, but we never did....until last nite.

We often hangout, watch movies, and fall asleep together (very When Harry Met Sally), but nothing ever happened. Last nite, something did. He went for it and I responded. In the morning, we both had to rush to work, so we didn't really get to talk or think about what had happened.

What puzzles me is, he hasn't said ANYthing about it yet. Not this morning, no email, no calls, nothing. We email eachother all day long, usually....

I'm taking this as him regretting what happened. That he does NOT want anything more with me. But then why did he instigate it? Is this a common guy thing to do? and if so, what do I do now? I can handle being just friends again, but since we are roomates, is our friendship ruined?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 4:15pm
Title: Whoa, Whoa sister.... are WAY over reacting.

Does this strike YOU as the sort of converstion that is best had over email? What about during a phone call from work...I dunno where you or he work, but most of the people I know wouldn't endeavor to have a SERIOUS relationship converstion (you know, something more than "hey, I love you too, tonight is good, no, I'll just meet you there")while at work, with interruptions and people being nosy.

He, like you, he digesting what happened. He, like you, is FULL of questions about how the other person in the equation might feel. He,like you, had YOU initiated things, is concerned that he might have over stepped the friendship bounds.

Just relax. It will come up tonight (and no, you don't HAVE to wait until he brings it can. And if you think you can't because it is "too hard", well, how do you think he feels?). Then discuss it. Like mature, rational adults (go ahead, you can fake

Personally, I think THE BEST relationships are long term friendships where both parties really know the other well, that "develop" into something more. Your note implies that he has always had an attraction, but your hurt from your last relationship kept him at a distance. The fact that mutual friends who know you both well think you'd make a good couple isn't to be dismissed either...these are people who know you both well, and unlike my personal matching making misadventure thanks to a mutual friend, they have seen the two of you together.

This could be the beginning of something really decent. Don't ruin it by making him feel like he is completely responsible for every emotion YOU are feeling ("why doesn't he call? why doesn't he write? what is wrong with him? I knew men were no good"). This will come across to him as a SURE sign that you should have remained just friends...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 4:29pm
You pays your money and you takes your chances. You decided to have sex with him before knowing where you stood - what he wanted from you, if anything. The risk in that is just this - not knowing what he is thinking/feeling and you cannot un-ring the bell. If you want to know, why not just ask him (I understand that you may be afraid to do so).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 8:47am
You don't understand why he hasn't written, called or said *anything* about last night, despite the fact that you two usually write back and forth during the day.

From the tone of your email, I assume you also have not written, called or said *anything* about last night. Why not? Well, that's probably a very similar reason why he hasn't said anything.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 04-14-2003 - 11:25am
So...what happened? Did you two talk about things? Repeat things? Is all well and good?


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 04-15-2003 - 2:15am
Hi everyone.

You all make such amazing sense...and I've tried to take your words to heart.

Well, the next day, everything seemed to be fine. He emailed finally, we ended up hanging out with all our friends together and having a great evening.

THEN, when we got home, things got heavy again, but to me, it felt more normal and natural because we both seemed so cool with things all evening long...but then it happened again! In the middle of a quite intimate moment, he gets up and leaves!!! Said he was tired and left! I was shocked and not very impressed. It was a friday nite, neither of us had to go to work the next day, you'd THINK he would want to hang out a bit longer....

I know what everyone is thinking: talk to him...but he always seems to walk away when things start to get to that point. I really am getting fed up and think maybe I should just walk away too. I am NOT the clingy type and have been so anti-relationship for so long, I know I can easily go back to that. I just didn't want to walk away from something that had the potential to be something really great.