Cut out for marriage??
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Cut out for marriage??
| Mon, 07-17-2006 - 12:31pm |
I've been married for just over a year now & my husband is totally unhappy. He has expressed his anger & frustration concerning things that I don't do that he would like to see me do such as wear lingerie, cook certain meals for him, and put in extra effort when it comes to holidays etc. The problem is, these expectations are so not me. He knew this going into the marriage, however I suppose he thought things would change once we got married. Or maybe at the time he didn't care if they changed & now he does. When I don't respond to his attempts to get me to do these things, he threatens divorce & I think this may the last threat. So I'm at a total crossroad where I'm confused as to what to do. Even though I feel like I "could" do some of these things I'm not sure where to start & feel like he would still have something to complain about or be unhappy w/. It doesn't help that w/his threats, I don't feel he's as committed as he should be & therefore almost want to go through w/the divorce. I know that he deserves to feel special, I'm just afraid I'm not going to be able to help make that happen. I know that sounds so terrible, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for this marriage thing after all. I know many that say it is work & I feel that w/having three children, a job etc. my hands are full enough as it is. I wanted a more independent partner & someone that just felt like a "man" w/out me doing "womanly" duties. I'm so not a fifties chic, yet it seems I'm faced w/being that if I want my marriage to work. Totally confused here.

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I too am not the 50's woman. When my mother commented that I "don't even serve him" after I cooked the meal and was taking care of our child. I told her if he wanted to be served he needed to find a new woman because that is not who I am and not who he dated. She has never said anything like that to me again.
I too enjoy a man who can be independant and feels like a man without me having to constantly boost his ego and behave in "womanly" ways for him to feel okay about himself.
I was married to a man years ago that had similiar expectations as your husband even though I was not like that when we dated. The threats of divorce and passive aggressive behavior just made it less likely I would comply. I mean why would someone want to force someone they love to be something they are not for their own ego?
Sorry. I don't really have any advice but want you to know that you are not the only woman alive that feels the way you do. I do recommend the other board. I think you will get good insight.
By the way. Even though I really love my current partner and we have a 2 yo together the thought of the constraints of marriage kind of makes my stomach turn. I know someday my dd might find it important that her parents are married and I will deal with it when it comes up but so many people put so much expectation on marriage and expect the people to follow certain "gender" rolls within a marriage that I find it confining and would hope instead to find it liberating and secure instead.
Your post reminds me of my first marriage. We were both still kids (early 20's). When we dated we talked about all sorts of things concerning marriage. When we got engaged, many of those discussions turned into unresolved fights. When we got married, those fights got even bigger.
The basic problem was that we had different expectations about what marriage was and would be. We each based our expectations on the best qualities of our parents marriages (which were very different from each other). Since we each made it very clear what we wanted and we each continued forward towards marriage, we each assumed the other was OK with that expectation. We each couldn't have been more wrong. Thus your "he knew going into this", is probably balanced by you also knowing his opinions going into this. Thus you both had wrong expectations.
With us we were young and inexperienced. However, you don't get to the point of having three kids with that sort of claim. I assume the three children are from a previous relationship?
Brokk...
"I don't think I expected that much from marriage."
You expected him to be satisfied as things are and to not make further demands on you. That's a big disjoint from what you got.
"It's all about growing up & taking responsiblity for your own life."
Actually, it's not. At least not from my perspective and experience. It's about communication, negotiation and acceptance for things that cannot be changed. It's learning how to each help each other and doing what is best for the relationship/family (rather than just for one's self). It's about working towards a larger goal. It's about gaining happiness through fulfillment in your family and your greater life. At least that is what I've learned through my experiences.
From what you write, the first step is communication and negotiation. It sounds like you two have been communicating, but not as much negotiating. I could be wrong though, since your post was too short to include that much information.
Brokk...
Hi Laurel!
Well, I think that there is probably something behind his requests, not the specific things he is saying. Maybe it's not the wearing of lingerie he wants, maybe just something sexy. A lot of times in marriage we get into a routine, go to work, come home, change into sweats and relax.
Same thing about the meals. Maybe he doesn't want you to make this specific dish, per se, maybe if he is the one that cooks dinner every night, he just wants a break every now and then.
I think you guys should just sit down and try to talk about things, and get to the real root of the things he is saying, and just as important, discuss anything that YOU might want.
I'm an elementary school teacher. You'd be shocked how much time and energy is spent learning basic communication and social skills in that age bracket. So communication and negotiation. At that age we call it sharing and playing nice with each other. Use your words, not your hands. :-)
I once heard an old saying that if each partner feels they are the ones giving in 100% of the time, then they are probably close to 50/50.
Brokk...
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