Dating older men?
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Dating older men?
| Sat, 02-03-2007 - 7:32pm |
I've been in a complicated relationship with an older man(37) I'm only 19. I don't know why but I seem to be attracted to older men. Anyways...I have not told anyone about me and him. but just in casual conversation with people, they all say that older men like that are just use young girls and wouldn't want anything more. Is this true for all men? or is there a chance that he just isn't using me and could want more than sex?

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There is a may-december relationship board here at ivillage where you will find others like you.
I've been with older guys. We were in it for more than the sex.
I am 15 years older than my partner now. I am definitly with him for more than the sex and his looks. We share core values about family, money and how to treat the planet and other people.
There are users of every age. You need to know yourself, what you expect in any relationship and need to know and set boundaries no matter what.
Check out the other board
I've also been in a relationship with a large age gap. 12 years. I was 31 and she was 19. It was a great time, with a horrible ending. Such is life.
Is an older guy in it just for sex? Perhaps. However a younger guy is just a likely if not more, to be in it just for sex. Try dating some horny college guy your age. You'll see what I mean.
I don't get into a relationshop looking "just for sex". If I was just after sex, it would be called a one night stand. Which I have had. Fun, but not really something I would want to make a habit of. When I get into a relationship, it doesn't really have any limits or goals. It was just looking to get to know someone else, see how compatible we were and see where things went. You see a relationship, like life, is not about the goal, but the journey. So I did not get involved with a 19 yo for the sex (which is a silly reason for being in a relationship).
However I think there are more relationships of this type that fail than succeed. Specifically the likelihood of change in someone younger is far greater. Men and women grow through a tremendous change in their mental and emotional state during their early 20s. Some studies of the brain show that it isn't until we are in our mid-20s that we are really fully developed into our own person. So getting involved with someone who is going to drastically change over the next five years is really working against the likelihood of a long term relationship.
This doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride and learn what he has to offer. You can both get a lot out of a relationship, but don't go betting on "forever" yet.
Brokk...
Brokk made agood point. It is generally the younger one that changes the most in these relationships. In my case the relationship with the man 13 years older didn't end because of our age but because when I met him at 19 I still liked to party. So did he. But when I was 26 and he was pushing 40 and still wanted to be a party boy, I was done with that. I moved on because he didn't want to.
Now I'm with someone younger. He may wake up one morning, see the lines on my face and walk. Oh well, there are no gauruntees in life, he could get hit by a bus too. Maybe I'm jaded. I'm not sure I believe in 'forever' anyway. If it happens that's cool. I lucked out. I'm not about marriage either though (BTDT) so I'm probably not one to listen to about THAT either.
But May-December relationships can and do work for some. Any relationship is a learning experience anyway.
I meant to say the partying isn't a big deal for us. I just didn't want to keep this whole thing up if he was just using me for X. but i don't know if that is it b/c we don't do it that much and I actually want it more than he does. He said more than once a week might hurt him. I don't know if he was serious or kidding. Which I thought was weird b/c I thought every man wanted it all the time.
it's possible but unlikely. depends what he does for a living, etc.
if he's in a serious career, probably a fling. otherwise he would need
someone who can relate to his life strains.
it all depends on how he talks to you. does he ask about your family?
long term goals? where you want to live? or just make you laugh and
anything to get you loaded? ;)
I guess you'd just have to ask yourself why this man is not interested or pursuing women in his own age group, instead of a teenager...
What would you tell your teenage daughter if she was in your shoes?
Thanks
I was 19 and with a man 13 years older. I don't feel he was taking advantage of me or using me. I was an adult. I was in college. I was working. I was making MY OWN choices every day. I wasn't a child. There is a big difference between 14 and 18. We change a lot in those few years.
If my 21 year old adoptive son came home with a 40 year old all I would care about was if they were good to each other, if they supported each others goals and ambitions, if they treated each other with love and respect. To me I would rather have him with a 40 year old that loved and respected them than a 20 year old that was a loser, accidently got knocked up and played games with his heart. I think I would feel the same for my daughter when she is older too.
We all have to decide to grow up and take responsibility for our life and choices at some point. I think the sooner the better. I'm not one to support extended adultalescence wether someone is 20, 30 or 40. After you arer 18 and on your own you are a grown up making grown up decisions. You may be a YOUNG adult but you are an adult all the same. Just because a woman is young doesen't mean she has to be a Twinkie.
I've been with older men mostly and now a younger man. What really matters is not the number attached to us but our core values. I never would have persued a younger man. We too were friends first. But we have the same core values, the same view of the world, the same types of goals and ambitions, the same belief in our responsibility to the planet. None of those things have to do with our age. They have to do with US as human beings. He couldn't find a woman in their 20's that had the same values. I couldn't find a man in his 30's that didn't seem to carry some underlying chauvenism even if they claimed they believed women were their equals. So we ended up with each other and both our lives are the better for it.
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