dating....exclusivity...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
dating....exclusivity...
30
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 7:54am

Hello all. I was in a relationship for 5 years where I had a 3 1/2 year old daughter, she is my only child. I have been single for 9 months and have dated around with no interest in anyone. I get asked out a lot, people tell me I am a catch, but I had not found the right guy for me.

So, that leads into this situation, and my advice topic, which is, I have met someone that I feel is perfect for me and everything is incredible between us, but I need to determine where to go with things as far as communicating about the very necessary "what are we conversation" because of my own beliefs, morals, and feelings. Here's the background on "us." Tell me your advice on what I should do with things next.

We met on an online dating site, where he emailed me and said "I would love to meet you" and I checked out his profile, and responded and told him that he seemed like a really great guy, and that I liked how much we had in common (our commonalities are STAGGERING, I will get into that later), and I asked if he was on Facebook. He said yes, so we found eachother on facebook, and began to see in doing so that we have a lot in common. So, we went on a first date, and here's the amazing things that have happened.

We met at the restaurant, for our first date, and sat down for a drink together. We instantly hit it off. We discovered through talking for about 3 hours that we have a thousand things in common....... I am 35 and he is 39, we are both into fitness, we are both into boating, we have the same parenting views (very important!), we both have joint custody, we both like the same EXACT types of music and are music buffs and concert buffs, we both have 1 daughter (his is 9, mine is 3), we both have a very funny and sarcastic sense of humor, we both operate our own businesses, we both like to travel to the same locations such as Mexico, certain areas of Florida, he has an older brother 2 years older than him, I have an older sister 2 years older than me, we both have a family vacation home that we each go to with our families, we drive the SAME CAR in different colors (so crazy!), we like the same sports teams, we have the same three favorite foods, we like all the same other  foods, we have the exact same political views, we wear the same brands of clothing......I  could go on like this for a while. It's staggering. We literally discovered all of this on our first date. It was amazing. So, first date was amazing, we talked and lauighed all night, then he gave me the MOST AMAZING KISS that we both literally had to pry ourselves away from and go "okay.....we both need to go home and have another date soon." And we said that to eachother, outloud, very openly and matter of factly, smiling. LOL. And we started keeping in touch by text message throughout the day each day and have for the last month.

Second date, he took me to a great sushi restaurant, and again, we had an amazing time where we talked all about music all night, and how we have been to a lot of the same concerts, old memories from when we were younger, our families, we talked and laughed and connected for over 5 hours, never an awkward moment, like two old friends....we again had a very amazing kiss at the end of our date, and agreed that we need to get together again. And arranged by text a third date....

Third date, we went out to dinner again, watched basketball together which we both love, had a great meal, laughed, talked about more things in common...went to his house to play a game of pool....had an amazing kiss that led to our first time having sex, the sex was amazing, we connected on an incredible level during sex, in a way I have NEVER experienced before....I stayed the night.... we have kept in touch ever since....and we are now going to see eachother this upcoming Saturday.....

So....I am at a point of, I know that I am falling in love with him, and I am fine with that, LOL, because he is AMAZING and is everything I could ever want.  However, I want to know that he's in the same place I am as far as where we are at, and I feel like I need to talk to him about exclusivity at this point not only now that intimacy has happened, and I think that intimacy in dating equals exclusivity, but also because I know we are so very right for eachother. We both had on our profiles that we were looking for a relationship with the right person, so I do know he's not looking to just "no commitment, casually date" forever or something. I actually checked the dating site the other day to "hide" my profile (you can do that on this site, and no one can see it anymore), and I discovered that his profile had been removed....telling me that he is not casually dating other women. And then as of yesterday, I removed my own profile as well, just knowing how I feel is that I don't want to date other people. So, I guess where I am at is this: I am about to fall head over heels in love with this man, and I need to know that he's seeing what I'm seeing too. And I am at a point in life where I not only don't have time for something that's not going to be potentially long-lasting, but I also don't want to get hurt. So......I want to have the "talk" with him about where we are at and that I think that we should be exclusive and that I'm falling in love with him. But I also don't want to chase him away and make him think I'm some crazy person that just falls in love with anybody or everybody after 3 dates!! Ha ha. And I also don't want him to feel like....pressured.....like all of a sudden I'm hearing wedding bells or something crazy, which would make some men RUN at the concern of too much commitment too fast, especially someone that is as great of a catch as he is, because he's very successful and attractive, and probably has had women that are wrong for him "fall for him" a lot (or fall for his money,he's somewhat wealthy, which I could care less about, because I have my own money, nor am I a materialistic person like that). So......what would you do??? I feel the conversation could go something like this......

Next date, when we head back to his or my place after our date, have a little casual chat with him before things get intimate, Tell him that he is amazing, that I don't want to date anyone else, and I hope he feels that way too, and that I see really amazing things between us that I have never had before and feel for him a way I have never felt before. Then say....I think for me that means exclusively dating, and I want to know where you are at, too. And then just let him say where he's at, and pray to god that he's in the same spot. Ha ha ha

Thoughts??? I'm scared, I don't want throw a monkey wrench into a really great thing, but I also don't need the heartache of being in two different places with things and like....for example....never having "the talk" and me assuming we are exclusive, when he is seeing other people, and doesn't see what I see. I do feel like being exclusive is what I know I want, deserve, and need with him, in order to continue to see eachother. So, would you just say to him the above information that I am wanting to say to him? Or should I let him initiate it??? As the guy??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 10:00am

'..Time will tell, and I'm deciding right now, to not get my heart involved, take it one day at a time with him, and not initiate any conversations about anything. Just enjoy our time together for what it is, and if someone else does cross my own path that I do feel interested in, and this man has not asked me to be exclusive with him, go on a date with that person. And as far he is concerned, just I guess allow it to be casual between us, unless HE initiates more'

Absolutely. That's what I'd suggest you do.

Re: dreaded fb.. I'm 43. This..thing came out in 2004 when I was about your age. Up until then..I lived my life perfectly successfully without it - 35 years of it. As far as I'm concerned this whole fb thing is just a load of exhibitonist  nonsense and ANYONE can put ANYTHING on there including pictures and of course, information. I  would not trust or take seriously a single thing I see on his fb. 20 years ago, if someone put in their diary 'I am currently single', would you believe it? Same thing, IMHO.  It is not difficult to put a few pictures together showing a group of people and yourself and call them 'me and my employees at my company's *insert name of do*'. A 10 y old kid can these days put together a perfectly plausible fb profile with all the right bits for 'status' and 'friends' and all that c-p and I personally would not know the difference.  

Just be very cautious. If it all works out good...it's an added bonus and nothing's lost. Don't initiate contact or any conversations. See what HE HIMSELF does unprompted and go from there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 11:11am

He would be an incredibly big fool not to pursue this, but I guess that's on him if he really is a big enough fool to not see what we can have together. He knows I'm interested because when he contacts me, I respond, and make plans with him if he mentions it. So, it is what it is. We're going to see one another tomorrow....I don't know what to do when it comes to the intimacy part. I'm not going to sleep with him and be part of some list of women he's seeing and sleeping with if that's the case. It's just not me and makes me feel used and trashy. But I guess I just have to put it out of my mind that he's probably seeing other women, and if I want to spend time with him, do so, and if I feel like intimacy is okay with me if things go there, then let it happen when it happens. I guess I just have to remember that any new dating situation has it's insecurities, uncertainties, complexities, and unknowns. I will follow my heart, but keep it GUARDED, and see what happens. And keep going about the rest of my life. And only be intimate if it feels like I'm comfortable with it. And just let the chips fall where they may....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 6:17pm

I think you should enjoy dating this guy and learn as much as you can about him.  I'm not a fb user.  People overuse fb especially when its not need.  Looking at his status means nothing. Don't stalk him on fb. It's bad sign for trust issues. Get to know him without jumping to conclusions and give him the chance to know you. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 6:44pm

The FB information was mentioned in my message because a responder to my earlier message said that he could be totally lying about who he is, where he works, his family, et cetera, and to be careful of that, so I was responding and telling them that he does seem to be telling me legitimate things because we are both on facebook, and I can see his business information and website and his family members are friends with him on facebook and things, so I know at least he's not just some crazy weirdo making up a false identity to get with me. Yes, I don't think FB stalking is a good way to go about getting to know someone. It's a false sense of who someone is based solely on what they post or pictures they post. But it is at least in dating, a good way to find out if someone is even a legitimate person, or if they have just fabricated an identity, and a false business, and fake stuff.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 12:17pm

  The post sould sef destructive.  here's why.  You want so badly to hook your catch!  Do you see him as a human being at all/  If you start to blow hort an cold it is confusin and annoying.  Get with yourself as a woman.  I sex important  to you or not think these things thru.  Too many get into not being comfortable  in sexual situations. Emotionally vunerable to boot.  Look from another prospective would you date you?  People are not  prizes at the fair. 

     Explore who you are.  I get a  vibe that you are not together in your own skin.  Sex can mean different hings to different people but it is not a bargining chip.   There is a difference between who you are sex drive and who you are as a person.  Sex is not love and love is not sex.   A person must learn this to be honest with themselves and others.  He has every right to have other dates whether they are plantonic or sexual is up to him and them but not you.  

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 4:58pm

Not trying to be a common scold, and speak to harshly, but if you invite someone's private parts inside of you, or vice versa, there should be nothing that you can't talk about.  The term 'being intimate' is used because you are being intimate and when you share your sexual self with someone, you should be able to share all other parts of yourself, your hopes/dreams/hare-brained opinions/deep thoughts/views on exclusivity.

Good luck tonight on your date!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 12:12pm

Maybe I am repeating myself, but the 3 most serious relationships that I have had (2 marriages) we never ever had a discussion where we said "are we exclusive?" or "where is this going?"--it just happened naturally that we were spending more & more time together and it was just obvious that there was no one else. I would not be raising this issue with someone after a few dates.  And I would always assume (unless the man says otherwise) that he might be dating others.  Now if that makes you uncomfortable about having sex with him, you are certainly within your rights to say that you don't want to have sex until the relationship is more serious.  Otherwise, use protection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 2:57pm

I feel like either way, having sex with him or not having sex with him sends a message, and it might not be the CORRECT message for what I am feeling. For example, If I continue to sleep with him, I feel like he has exactly what every guy wants....sex....and no commitment.....and no discussion of such. PERFECT WORLD FOR HIM!!! He and I spend time together, and have sex, and then he spends time with and has sex with who knows else. Meanwhile, I'm developing feelings for him, and who knows where he is at. Allowing myself to be intimate with someone that is also being intimate with other women not only goes against my morals, but it's also just very hard honestly to want to "get there" with him intimacy-wise when I know he's doing the same with other women.....

but I know as well....that If I don't have sex with him anymore, I look like a prude or like I'm disinterested or not sexually secure or something. And to be blunt, I'm thinking most guys are going to move on or lose interest if you stop having sex with them. Guys need sex to "get more serious." I feel like one can't happen with the other for men. And I don't think sex is a bargaining chip. The point is not to hold it over someone's head, but the point is to RESPECT MYSELF AND MY OWN MORALS, and not let someone have something so precious and intimate and special as my body, without some sort of commitment to exclusivity with sex.  I DO think it's reasonable to say "if you want to keep having sex with me.....then you need to be having sex with only me...or I can't see you anymore." I really don't want to say it....but honestly... I feel like boys will be boys....and if I decide not to say it....the power of omission is huge....and he's just probably going to be a guy, and do like guys do....and have his cake and eat it to for as LONG AS POSSIBLE. I'm not cool with that. He needs to move on and not see me anymore if that's where he's at.  I'm 35, he's 39....games are for high schoolers. I don't need it in my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Thu, 04-10-2014 - 3:08pm

I feel STUCK. I want to be intimate with him and date him. I want to see eachother. But I DON'T want to be one of several women he's dating and having sex with. It goes against my morals. And it honestly just bugs me and makes me feel disrespected and takes the special quality out of things for me between us to think that the night before he was with me, he was possibly with someone else....being intimate with them!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 8:59am

Hey..

What's happening now?

Have you seen him again since your last post?