dating....exclusivity...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
dating....exclusivity...
30
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 7:54am

Hello all. I was in a relationship for 5 years where I had a 3 1/2 year old daughter, she is my only child. I have been single for 9 months and have dated around with no interest in anyone. I get asked out a lot, people tell me I am a catch, but I had not found the right guy for me.

So, that leads into this situation, and my advice topic, which is, I have met someone that I feel is perfect for me and everything is incredible between us, but I need to determine where to go with things as far as communicating about the very necessary "what are we conversation" because of my own beliefs, morals, and feelings. Here's the background on "us." Tell me your advice on what I should do with things next.

We met on an online dating site, where he emailed me and said "I would love to meet you" and I checked out his profile, and responded and told him that he seemed like a really great guy, and that I liked how much we had in common (our commonalities are STAGGERING, I will get into that later), and I asked if he was on Facebook. He said yes, so we found eachother on facebook, and began to see in doing so that we have a lot in common. So, we went on a first date, and here's the amazing things that have happened.

We met at the restaurant, for our first date, and sat down for a drink together. We instantly hit it off. We discovered through talking for about 3 hours that we have a thousand things in common....... I am 35 and he is 39, we are both into fitness, we are both into boating, we have the same parenting views (very important!), we both have joint custody, we both like the same EXACT types of music and are music buffs and concert buffs, we both have 1 daughter (his is 9, mine is 3), we both have a very funny and sarcastic sense of humor, we both operate our own businesses, we both like to travel to the same locations such as Mexico, certain areas of Florida, he has an older brother 2 years older than him, I have an older sister 2 years older than me, we both have a family vacation home that we each go to with our families, we drive the SAME CAR in different colors (so crazy!), we like the same sports teams, we have the same three favorite foods, we like all the same other  foods, we have the exact same political views, we wear the same brands of clothing......I  could go on like this for a while. It's staggering. We literally discovered all of this on our first date. It was amazing. So, first date was amazing, we talked and lauighed all night, then he gave me the MOST AMAZING KISS that we both literally had to pry ourselves away from and go "okay.....we both need to go home and have another date soon." And we said that to eachother, outloud, very openly and matter of factly, smiling. LOL. And we started keeping in touch by text message throughout the day each day and have for the last month.

Second date, he took me to a great sushi restaurant, and again, we had an amazing time where we talked all about music all night, and how we have been to a lot of the same concerts, old memories from when we were younger, our families, we talked and laughed and connected for over 5 hours, never an awkward moment, like two old friends....we again had a very amazing kiss at the end of our date, and agreed that we need to get together again. And arranged by text a third date....

Third date, we went out to dinner again, watched basketball together which we both love, had a great meal, laughed, talked about more things in common...went to his house to play a game of pool....had an amazing kiss that led to our first time having sex, the sex was amazing, we connected on an incredible level during sex, in a way I have NEVER experienced before....I stayed the night.... we have kept in touch ever since....and we are now going to see eachother this upcoming Saturday.....

So....I am at a point of, I know that I am falling in love with him, and I am fine with that, LOL, because he is AMAZING and is everything I could ever want.  However, I want to know that he's in the same place I am as far as where we are at, and I feel like I need to talk to him about exclusivity at this point not only now that intimacy has happened, and I think that intimacy in dating equals exclusivity, but also because I know we are so very right for eachother. We both had on our profiles that we were looking for a relationship with the right person, so I do know he's not looking to just "no commitment, casually date" forever or something. I actually checked the dating site the other day to "hide" my profile (you can do that on this site, and no one can see it anymore), and I discovered that his profile had been removed....telling me that he is not casually dating other women. And then as of yesterday, I removed my own profile as well, just knowing how I feel is that I don't want to date other people. So, I guess where I am at is this: I am about to fall head over heels in love with this man, and I need to know that he's seeing what I'm seeing too. And I am at a point in life where I not only don't have time for something that's not going to be potentially long-lasting, but I also don't want to get hurt. So......I want to have the "talk" with him about where we are at and that I think that we should be exclusive and that I'm falling in love with him. But I also don't want to chase him away and make him think I'm some crazy person that just falls in love with anybody or everybody after 3 dates!! Ha ha. And I also don't want him to feel like....pressured.....like all of a sudden I'm hearing wedding bells or something crazy, which would make some men RUN at the concern of too much commitment too fast, especially someone that is as great of a catch as he is, because he's very successful and attractive, and probably has had women that are wrong for him "fall for him" a lot (or fall for his money,he's somewhat wealthy, which I could care less about, because I have my own money, nor am I a materialistic person like that). So......what would you do??? I feel the conversation could go something like this......

Next date, when we head back to his or my place after our date, have a little casual chat with him before things get intimate, Tell him that he is amazing, that I don't want to date anyone else, and I hope he feels that way too, and that I see really amazing things between us that I have never had before and feel for him a way I have never felt before. Then say....I think for me that means exclusively dating, and I want to know where you are at, too. And then just let him say where he's at, and pray to god that he's in the same spot. Ha ha ha

Thoughts??? I'm scared, I don't want throw a monkey wrench into a really great thing, but I also don't need the heartache of being in two different places with things and like....for example....never having "the talk" and me assuming we are exclusive, when he is seeing other people, and doesn't see what I see. I do feel like being exclusive is what I know I want, deserve, and need with him, in order to continue to see eachother. So, would you just say to him the above information that I am wanting to say to him? Or should I let him initiate it??? As the guy??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Thu, 04-17-2014 - 8:59am

Hey..

What's happening now?

Have you seen him again since your last post?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 6:01pm

Hi everyone! I've been busy and haven't updated on my dating situation.

So, we had our 4th date, and it was great. He picked me up, we went to a gourmet pizza place close to my house (we live 1 hour apart from eachother, so he came into town on a Wednesday). We had a great time, as always, great conversation, never skipped a beat. The whole meal was fabulous, he told me I'm great at picking great restaurants, and we had a lot of fun. I made us a carrot cake earlier in the day for dessert (a favorite dessert for both of us), so we went back to my house and had dessert together and listened to music after dinner, talked hung out, and he complimented me on being great at baking, and said my dessert was really good. And then as dessert wrapped up, things became intimate.  We were sitting next to eachother, on my couch, and we both just had a moment where we started kissing, and one thing led to another, and we had sex. Once again, it was great and completey spontaneous, and felt like the right thing at the right moment. We chatted a while, and then he took off at around 10 pm, given the fact that he needed to work at 7 am. He commented as he was leaving that it would have been nice to spend the whole night together. That was about a week ago. We again kept in touch via text for the following week. He then contacted me about getting together again yesterday (Monday) and we had a 5th date on Monday together. This time, we met in his area, I made the 1 hour drive, and we met about 25 minutes from his house at a great seafood restaurant that I picked out. Once again, great conversation, we talked about our girls and how funny having little girls is, how they are obsessed with chocolate, and how funny they can be, and we had yet another great night. We seem to just always have a great time together. What did seem different was at the end of the night, he almost seemed distant. He did say at dinner that Mondays are his most stressful day of the week at work, and that he was pretty exhausted. Wen he walked me to my car, he gave me a brief kiss, and I kissed him back and pulled him in closer to me, and put my arms around his waist while we were kissing, and we had a brief, nice kiss. I thanked him for dinner, he said you're welcome, and he said next time, it's his turn to pick the restaurant, and he's got some stiff competition from my good choices. I laughed, and said yes, the pressure is on for a good restaurant, ha ha, and we both laughed. He told me to have a safe drive home, to text him when I made it home ok, and we said our goodbyes. Great night. Still in that awkward "what is this, and what are we" phase for me, for sure. But a great time as always.

So, it's all going well, and I'm feeling like I like him a lot. No intimacy this past date, and that was actually kind of cool. Good that we could just have a nice time together, and it not need to end in sex or any intimacy at all for it to feel like a good date. That's very important to me. He texted me today, told me to have a nice day in the beautiful weather today, and so I'm feeling really good about things, but definitely still in that not knowing where things stand phase. So, I continue to see other people with no intimacy with them, and I suppose if he wants things to go to the next level, he can initiate that with me, and otherwise, I'm going to to about my own life and not feel anything other than positive and good about things between he and I, but not get my heart attached to him when things are currently very up in the air with him and "what this is" kind of thing. If he's not going to initiate conversation about it, I'm not going to, because I'm not going to be that woman that  comes accross as wanting to move too fast.

So....that's where things are at.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Tue, 04-22-2014 - 11:56pm

And by the way, I was using the term "intimacy" in my post as sex, oral sex, anal sex, hands on body parts.....Hopefully you get that from my post. I was trying to get the message accross that just 'the kiss" that we had was nice and it felt good that it didn't have to go further than that into full on intimacy for us to have had a great date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 1:48pm

So, another update.....

Over the last several days, I have become pretty much all out annoyed with "the guy." He has always been very busy, of course with owning a company, but I think I have reached my max capacity for dealing with someone as busy as he is. We texted Thursday and I said it would be good to see him over the weekend, and he didn't respond. ?? SO..... I'm honestly OVER the too busy to even respond thing. So, I never got a response, and then just texted him a few minutes ago, and said, "Hey, I really wish you well, but you seem maybe too busy to keep in touch. So, It's been good meeting you, I enjoyed our time together for sure. Hope that all is well for you in things, and definitely wish you all the best." I guess that's where I'm at. I just can't deal with the whole constantly spread so thin thing, that you can't even return simple messages with a yes or no. Doesn't work for me. It's a damn shame, we were great together! But I'm not going to be strung along, and I don't pursue men. I don't need to, I have way more to offer than that. So....guess even really great things can somehow be a waste of time. My life story!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 2:19pm

So, he did respond to the text about being busy, and he said, "Yes, I'm always pretty busy. Was great to meet you too, and best of luck to you, as well." WOW - sounds like he could care less about things between us, awesome. Glad I sent that text now, and didn't wait any longer. That would have been even more of waste of my time!!!! I hope this guy doesn't wonder why he's single, I DON'T. He just doesn't get it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 4:49pm

I think he likes you alot but can't give you the time you deserve.  But the text you sent him today sounds like you dismissing him from this relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Sun, 04-27-2014 - 12:55pm

I guess maybe he does like me a lot and doesn't have the time to give that I deserve, I don't know. Who knows. But what I do know is, I AM GOING TO MISS HIM TREMENDOUSLY.  But how does one see someone if they can't even take 14 seconds to return messages. I'm not going to chase a man down, to possibly maybe make plans every few weeks. That's just not me. If you want to spend time together....then make it happen. Text me and make plans, call me and make plans, or at least return my messages about plans when you are telling me that you want to see me and I'm offering to get together with you when I could get together with a thousand other people but want to spend that time with you. Otherwise you come accross as rude....and after so long...it just gets to be too much to take.....and feels disrespectful....

Our last date, he talked all about our next date. So I guess that tells me that he did want to see eachother. I don't know what to do, everyone. I really like him and find myself missing him like I have never missed anyone before after just a few short months. But NO WOMAN wants to feel like they are endlessly on the back burner and there isn't even 14 seconds in a 2 day span to return a message. That's just not ok with me.

I'm just at a total loss. And I can't stop crying over it. I've cried like 4 times in the last 2 days about it and I DON'T CRY over men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2014
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 8:55am

I sent him a text last night that said "I hate it that life is so busy that it stood in the way of us seeing eachother much. I like seeing you." I guess if he responds, then he does, then if not, and I will know what he wants. It will be a shame if we don't continue to see one another, but I guess only time will tell.

I guess the challenge with early dating is, before you are comfortable with your children meeting eachother, and family, and friends, you are only spending time together when those individuals are not around. So....I know that we would have more time together if things became more serious and our daughters met....and we met eachothers friends and family.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 11:32am

After my divorce, I did online dating for a few years and learned a lot. Some women who are totally into a man make a lot of excuses for a man when he can't make time for them. As far as I'm concerned, if a man has time to go to the bathroom and eat lunch, he has time to make a five minute phone call sometime during the day, even if it's at the very end of the day when he's rested his head on the pillow.

My advice? Prolong having sex with a man for a few months. This means making sure the dates involve meeting in public places. Do not go to each others homes, as will power when you have extreme chemistry is overpowering. Players won't have the patience to wait around. Men who ultimately want a long term relationship will keep asking you out because they really want to get to know you. Of course they want sex, but are willing to wait until you're ready.

I met so many attractive men who had good jobs, seemed into me and we got along great. I thought, "Great. I'm an intelligent woman who has a good job and he finds me attractive. Maybe this can go somewhere." Very often, I found out they didn't want to put in the daily effort of being in a commited relationship. There were an unending population of women who they could have fun with for a little while, and then move on to the next new victim.

My advice is to never text important things to someone. Discussions of importance should take place with a call or in person. Intonations cannot be deciphered and sometimes misinterpreted by text or e-mail. Date a boatload of men to find the one who meets all of your major needs. This man was great in many ways, but he didn't meet your major needs of communication and time. I once was with a man for a year who didn't make me a priority. He did communicate with me at least once a day, but was a workaholic and we rarely had any quality time together. The day before I was to go to England for 12 days to visit my brother, he chose to play in a poker tournament rather than spend the day with me.

I'm now married to a man who made me a priority from day one. On our first date, he asked me out for the next day. He called me every day and made dates with me 2 or 3 days a week. We've been married almost 3 years and he still calls me once or twice a day when we're both at work. He shows me every day I'm a priority.

This sound like the type of man you're looking for. Keep working on finding him. It's difficult with the pool of men we have to choose from nowadays. I went through so many years of frustration with dating substandard men, but it was worth all of that time and effort to be able to finally meet the right one. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 9:31am

Was just wondering how you were.. Your story touched me and made me truly hurt for you.

Presumably the fact you're not posting means there's nothing to report..?

Your time will come.

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