Delurking to ask for advice on ex.(long)
Find a Conversation
|Fri, 03-28-2003 - 11:51am|
A year and a half ago, I broke up with a guy who I can only describe as the perfect match for me--he truly made me happier than any other person I've ever known. And even though we didn't date very long (8 months) we often talked of marriage and kids, etc.
Unfortunately, while we were dating I was suffering terribly from some insecurity/self-esteem issues--so b/c I was scared of being hurt, I never told him how much I cared, but instead constantly sought his reassurance by telling him I was thinking of ending it because I wasn't sure he was right for me--and in the end I broke it off because I was scared he didn't care enough.
In retrospect I realized my fears were crazy--he & everyone else always told me how crazy he was about me-in fact his family and friends said they'd never seen him so in love and never heard him talk about a woman the way he talked about me. Unfortunately, when we were together he had no idea I felt the same way--i actually was one of those people who covered up my insecurities by coming off as very confident and strong by never appearing vulnerable and letting people see the real me. In fact, he told me when we were breaking up that he never thought I had really cared, and that now matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to be able to meet my expetations and that that made him feel awful about himself.
About a month after we broke up I approached him about getting back together--and he said he needed time to figure out if I was the "one" and he didn't want to jump back into things and have me break his heart all over again. We continued to keep in touch for a few months after that, and the last time we talked about it (about 5 months after the breakup) I said it looked he had decided not to ever give me a second chance--and he actually argued with me, saying that since I was the best girl he'd ever met, us getting back together was still something he could see happening down the road, but after all that had happened, at that particular time he wasn't ready for a relationship--not with me or with anyone else.
A few month after that he began dating a girl who he is still dating (its been almost a year now that he's dating her) and around that time he also stopped calling me--and I was heartbroken. But I have used the time to start therapy and have really been working hard on my self-esteem.
Well, last week we emailed for the first time in months, and for the very first time ever, I explained to him all the stuff I had realized about my behavior, how sorry I was for treating him the way I did when we were together and told him how much he had meant to me. He said he didn't know how to respond, that he had "recently" (a year??) started dating someone else, and that he hadn't thought it was fair to talk to me while he was dating her--and that she wasn't comfortable with him talking to me. But then, he told me he'd keep in touch, since "he just wanted to be able to call and talk every once in a while." After thinking about it, I replied and told him that b/c I cared about him so much, it would be too hard for me to just be his friend, and therefore we probably shouldn't talk while he continued to date her.
Now, normally I know the advice would be to forget him and walk away, but I can't get him out of my head. IN my whole life, I've never met someone I connected with as much as him (I'm 30)--even though I've tried very hard to meet and date others--no one else seems to measure up. Other than the problems my low self-esteem caused, we truly had a great relationship and really connected like I've never connected with anyone--and I know I he felt it too. The problem is, he too, is very vulnerable and scared of rejection and told me when we first broke up that he had never been hurt in his life like he was when we broke up and that he didn't ever want to go through that again. And I wonder if it is that fear of being hurt that keeps him from trying again with me? I really don't think he was just "bs"ing or keeping me on the back burner by telling me for so long after we broke up that we were still a possibility, I think if anything he was scared of being hurt and of me still not having changed.
I guess I'm just wondering if there's still any hope...if the fact that he wants to keep in touch despite his girlfriend asking him not to means something? Did I screw up by telling him not to talk to me while he's still dating her? Is there anything I can do to show him I really have changed and make him want to give me a second chance? Guys, have you ever dated one girl while trying to figuring out if another girl is the right one for you? Any encouraging stories out there from someone who has reunited with an ex after a long absence?