Do all men HATE talking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Do all men HATE talking?
9
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 9:02pm

I don't mean my question to be insulting...it's actually a serious inquiry. Basically I am on the verge of divorce, with one of the major reasons being my husband doesn't want to talk to me. Now, there are times when I may talk to much, but in general, I don't think I talk more than an average person. I'm getting tired of feeling like I'm just annoying to him.

On an average weekend day we spend maybe 3 hours together (if we are not working) where we are 1 on 1 and that usually includes a car ride which is often silent. He basically told me this evening that he thinks I should spend more time out so I get to talk to others. I understand his point and I do go out with friends and family and have coworkers that I talk to every day.....I guess I expected to be able to speak to my husband as well and I expect that there are things that I only want to talk to him about.

This issue also comes up when we have problems to discuss or decisions to make...he can't talk about things. When we got married he promised to work on communication - that has not happened...years of therapy hasn't gotten us anywhere.

I am hopeful that there is someone who could care for me enough that the actually enjoy spending time with me and yes, occasionally talking to me (heaven forbid).

I'm not sure how much more I can take. There is no communication, no affection and there's been no sex for a year...before that about once every few months. I can't figure out why he is with me.

Are there men who enjoy talking to their wives?

thanks for listening

MHP

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 11:01pm
"I'm not sure how much more I can take. There is no communication, no affection and there's been no sex for a year...before that about once every few months. I can't figure out why he is with me.

Are there men who enjoy talking to their wives?"


He's with you because he's comfortable the way things are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 04-21-2010 - 11:52pm

It sounds like him hating talking isn't really the point here. You've said that besides not wanting to talk to you, he also doesn't show affection to you or want to have sex with you and that he finds you annoying.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 7:02am

It seems like your relationship problems are much more than him not being able to communicate.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2007
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:01am

I am of the opinion that your marriages problem is not lack of communication. When I first read your thread's title I thought "Yeah, us men don't bond by talking like women do, we bond by doing things."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 10:59am
Thanks for your post.
The confusing part is he keeps telling me he doesn't want out. That's why I don't get it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 11:21am

Thanks for all your thoughts.

issytish, we've been together for years and no, he wasn't like this before marriage. He's always had a lower libido than me but the sex started dwindling after 1 year of marriage. It got less frequent (and a bit odd) and then stopped altogether, most likely because I brought up the fact that "something is going on with our sex life and I'd like to try to fix it and make it better". That would involve a bit of talking and opening up - so it doesn't happen. There's no initiation. We're so distant at this point that sex would be really weird...for me at least.

I have told him how I feel and what I need. We've been in counseling for over a year and he's been seeing a therapist for 2. I think his issues run pretty deep and he may have to deal with those before he can have any kind of relationship. I wasn't aware of this when we dated because he hid it from me, told me what I wanted to hear just to make me happy and feed his ego.

I have to be ready to leave. I feel like I'm dying in this relationship. I'll have a great day at work and head home happy, have a good dinner with him but by 7pm he's had enough of my company (and I work two nights a week and some weekends) It's really difficult to look over at my husband while we quietly watch TV and make a small comment about the show we're watching and get a look of "ugh, what now?" Yet, when I go to another room to read or watch my own show to get out of his hair, I'm blamed for not wanting to be together. He wants me around. I just need to shut up. I'm not asking for 24/7 conversation, I'd like to be able to make a comment once in a while and have him make one back.

Why am I trying? It's getting to the point that I don't know. He is a good guy ( I think - or maybe I thought) and I wanted to try to work on things before just giving up. Things have improved through therapy but it's been smaller than baby steps with lots of backtracking. He seems to think this should be enough. At this pace I'll have a fufilling relationship in 20 years. I don't think I'm willing to take the chance.

I'm geting so angry that I wasted all this time.

Thanks again. It helps to hear all your opinions.

MHP

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 3:01pm

I have a lot of very different men in my life. It makes me very fortunate.

One thing I've observed about men in general is that they're very comfortable when they're doing things that put them on autopilot - Like playing Xbox or working on something mechanical. Just examples. But I have known many men who do enjoy talking. One of my best guy friends loves to talk about deeper subjects (how people communicate, self-awareness, feelings, etc.) and I think that would surprise a lot of women who are trained to believe that men don't enjoy communicating.

The thing is, I don't think anyone enjoys communicating with someone they just don't feel a connection with. Do you think your husband may just not feel understood by you? Maybe he feels uncomfortable confiding in you?

Has he always been this way? When you married you say he promised to work on communication but that isn't a guarantee he's going to get better. It would be difficult for me to marry someone I didn't think was a good enough communicator at the time, accepting a promise like that is kind of a risk.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2001
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:15pm

yes, I see now that it was a risk and I'm paying for it with years of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Thu, 04-22-2010 - 9:35pm

"He can't talk and do an activity at the same time."
Most men can't. In the computing world we call this concept multithreading, or parallel processing. I don't know one man who can focus on a task and really think about other things at the same time. Women do this naturally. If my guy is playing Xbox, I know not to start a conversation with him because I'm not going to get a response. If I do, it will be purely obligatory one-word "yes dear" answers, but that's just the way men's brains are. They focus on one process at a time.

I wouldn't say you're not smart in the love department. You seem to have a good grasp of what's going on but you're limited by the inability to change his perspective.