Do I just not get it? Or...??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Do I just not get it? Or...??
6
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 10:40am

So my guy and I have been dating for 6 months. He lives an hour away and so we've been using webcam chats to get us through the week and then he either comes to where I live or I goto where he lives on the weekend. If either of us aren't going to be online to talk, i.e. taking a night to ourselves, or we don't feel well...we let the other person know.

So he went home last night after being here at my house with me all weekend. He said "I'll see you later" before he left. So naturally I assumed he'd be online as usual. He called me around 8:30pm and we chatted for a bit. He didn't show up at all last night. I tried texting him, and calling him. When I tried the second to call him he finally answered. He didn't see a problem with simply not being online. When I asked him why he didn't tell me he wasn't going to be online, with a text he said because he was charging his phone and it was in the other room. He said he'd been online briefly, but said he'd not looked to see who was online when he was so he didn't think of messaging me that way to let me know he wasn't going to be online.

So...I don't get it. After talking this way for the last 6 months, naturally I assumed he'd let me know if he wasn't going to be online. Like isn't it common courtesy? In my mind it's just kinda rude to leave someone hanging like that. He still insists that it was no big deal.

I understand having time to yourself, but you know at least clue me in and let me know. I do that for him. Kinda like standing someone up on a date...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 11:31am

I have to agree with your b/f and say it's not a big deal at all.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 1:55pm

I understand you were disappointed and it might be a little confusing that all this time you two have been doing things a particular way, so that things beign different this one time might make you wonder.


At the same time,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 2:09pm

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:05pm

I didn't make a big deal about it. I just inquired. I knew it wasn't that big of deal but I was confused. He'd said to me earlier that day that he'd commented to his Mom a few days before that when I'd texted him to tell him I wouldn't be online whatever night it was, cause I was sick he was really, really disapointed. So I just thought that he'd let me know, like he usually does.

Oh well, lesson learned. I'll know for next time not to read into things and whatnot. Thanks for answering my post. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2010
Mon, 07-12-2010 - 3:08pm
Well you could be right coconut2010. When I talked to him finally last night he told me that when we'd talked at 8:30 I didn't mention anything about us meeting online as usual so he figured I had other things I wanted to do. Like he said, we just got our wires crossed I guess. He thought I was busy and I just assumed that he'd be there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Wed, 07-14-2010 - 9:39am

It's just a problem with expectations. I think most if not all relationships go through a period where their routine is broken somehow, and disappointment ensues because there was an expectation to keep up the amount of calling/texting/chatting/whatever that's simply impossible to maintain forever. With the frequency you two communicate, this moment was bound to happen at some point.

So what you've learned from this is that there might be times when he doesn't want to be held to this routine and I agree with him there. Would it have been good for him to let you know? Sure. But it wouldn't be in your best interest to make him feel as though he's obligated to do this. There will be times in your future relationship when you just don't really have anything to say or you'd rather do something else. I suggest against holding yourselves to any kind of expected routine like chatting online every night, after a while the fun will wear off. Let it be a bonus if you both happen to be online, not an obligation.

I have learned that "talk to you later" is a throwaway phrase that means nothing at all but is easier for some people to say than "bye".