Do mean really NEED "guys nights"???

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Registered: 06-27-2006
Do mean really NEED "guys nights"???
15
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 11:47am

My bf and I have been together for almost a year now. And we made plans for this weekend on Sunday. Last night he asked me if I would beable to find other plans for this Friday so he could go out with his best friend. He pretty much only hangs out with this one friend. Now I don't mind if he hangs out with his friend but what I do mind is that their idea of a guys night is going out to a bar / club and dancing (they both love to dance; hip-hop, techno). In my opinion once a guy is in a committed long term relationship he is giving up guys nights. But he says he needs them; I don't think he needs them but he wants them. I do have some jealousy issues but him going to a club where girls tend to dress slutty does not help. To me a guys night should be hanging out and playing pool or driving around listenting to music. There really isn't much to do in our city except go to clubs. But after a year and we are talking about marriage shouldn't he give up going to the clubs without me? Am I wrong in the way I am thinking? HELP!!!

How do I approach this subject with him without sounding controlling or bossy?

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Registered: 04-06-1999
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 1:33pm

"In my opinion once a guy is in a committed long term relationship he is giving up guys nights."

Why should either person have to give up something they enjoy, just because they are in a commited relationship? I'm talking about things that don't harm the relationship of course. Why should I have to give up bowling, or sports, or drinking with buddies, just because I'm in a relationship?

It's fair to say "I don't think he spends enough time with me". Then you are talking about the needs of yourself and the relationship. I think that can be negotiated to make everyone happy. However saying "you are with me now, so you don't get to do X". Well, yes. That does sound controlling.

You have jealousy issues, but it's been OK for the last year for him to go to clubs, but now that he's committed to you, you will be jealous of him doing that? That sounds a little backward to me. Shouldn't you be trusting him more, not less?

Brokk...

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Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 2:00pm
okay let me be more clear :). I don't care if he goes to sporting events, bowling, etc. I just don't want him going out to clubs / bars without me where everyone is pretty much looking to hook up. It has been an issue I just never said anything and decided that know is the time. His friend is single so he goes out looking to hook up. I don't think it is very fair to me.
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Registered: 04-06-1999
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:08pm

It comes down to trust. It really doesn't matter what everyone else is there for. What matters is what he is doing there. Do you think he's looking to hook up? If the answer is yes, then it doesn't really matter if it's the club or the library. You don't trust him to be faithful. If you don't think he's looking to hook up, then you do trust him and I don't see it as an issue. If he wants to be a wing man for his buddy while he goes trolling for bed-partner, then it's his choice. If you trust him, then let him go. If you don't trust him, then this is a bigger issue than just clubs.

In cases like this it's important to see the big picture. You need to identify your own issues and not hold him accountable for them. Even if you said he has a wandering eye and you don't trust the temptation. That's different than "other people trying to hook up"

Brokk...

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Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:28pm
I trust him not to cheat but we just got over a pretty big lie that he had kept from me and it was something I should of known about from the beginning. And now I just wonder would he lie to me again. he just told me that i need to sit down and take a look at reality. I am just scared cause I always gave my past bf's freedom to go out on guys nights and it ended up they were really cheating on me. I guess i need to get over that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 6:07pm

If a guy is going to cheat, he'll find a way to cheat, whether he says he's going to the library, bowling or to get his car tuned up. I don't think you should limit your current bf, based on bad behavior of past bfs. That's just unfair and you wouldn't want him to judge you based on past gfs. However, I think it would be wise for you to sit down and tell him about your past, your fears, your insecurity. He deserves to know, and it would help him to better understand you and your position. Perhaps with this deeper understanding, you could come up with some guidelines about his behavior at clubs that would help to ease your mind. You never know till you sit down and talk it out.

As a couple, there are many times were one person has a problem, and both people work together to solve it. That's what commitment is for. However, it's important to acknowledge that this is your issue, not his. It's also important to realize when he is trying to help, rather than simply being dictated to about changing his behavior.

Work together. This can help to bring you together, rather than forcing you apart.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 6:50pm

I kind of agree with you, but not completely. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years now (holy crap! We're both only 21) and so I can understand how you feel about things that you feel he shouldn't be doing, because he's chosen to be in a long term relationship. Infact, my boyfriend has been asking to spend less time with me and more time with his friends lately. He doesn't want to go clubbing or anything, he just wants to hang out. And usually at his place. We lived together for almost three years and now we both have our own places. because he lives on his own, his friends usually wanna chill there. Anyhoo, I don't think your boyfriend should have to "give up" guy's night. He should be allowed to do things he wants to do. We all should. But not if that involves doing things that make you feel uncomfortable. And I totally agree that you should discuss this with him. But men are not cool with restrictions. Infact, it may make him want to do it more. I mean, nobody wants to feel controlled in any way. But if he's done something before to make you feel like he is capable of behaving in an untrustworthy manner, especialy when you're not around, then maybe you have reason to be jealous. I've gone through somthing similar with my man, but I realized that alot of it had to do with my own insecurities.

You've gotta find the right time/place to have this discussion. Maybe after a nice dinner or while taking a walk. But you should make sure that YOU'RE ready for the discussion, no matter what he may tell you. If you think that the conversation could end up in an argument, you're better off not discussing it then.

Good luck.

- Graziela :)

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Registered: 07-24-2005
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 9:47pm

Hi, Happygirl :)

You're here for understanding the OS and brokk is the OS...so take what I, a female, am about to say just for what it's worth :)

I agree guys need their night out and even better that it be just bowling, shooting pool, watching football. However, I wouldn't be pleased that my b/f was going to go to a bar for dancing, drinking, gawking...whatever :)

You know what I would do? I'd say nothing else about it again...nothING else atal. I would just doll myself up...on guys-night out...of course make sure he sees this; and head out for a girls-night-out. Even if I had to *hide* elsewhere (the library, a friends house, if I couldn't get together a girls-night-out :)...I'd just GO...out. When he asks, and he will ;), where you're goin'?...whatjadoin'?..I'd tell him non-chalantly...then, give him a sweet kiss, say "have a nice time with the boys, honey" and off I'd go! Nothing speaks louder to a guy, IMHO (Oh, and I forgot to say MOST as to not generalize :). Nothing speaks louder to MOST guys than watching their non-complaining, confident, self-assured and well, trusting woman head out that door...without him...all dolled up and ready to have fun without him. I think MOST would re-think the situation :)

This is just how *I* would handle this particular situation. Good luck, and let's us know the outcome whatever you do :)

withclarity




Edited 1/25/2007 12:23 am ET by withclarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 8:55am

"I am just scared cause I always gave my past bf's freedom to go out on guys nights and it ended up they were really cheating on me. I guess I need to get over that."

Yes, you do, and it won't be easy. I know, I've done it. When I first started dating my husband I thought I was in a really good place emotionally; and, I was, sort of. It turned out I still had a BIG (HUGE) trust is hanging over my head and a lto of COMPLETELY baseless fears scrambling through my head.

Get this, I haven't even ever been cheated on (that I knwo of) and I had issues.

The issue was I had been in three long term realtionships, most recently one that had been emotionally abusive and I just plain didn't trust my ability to make a sound judgement about someone's character. So, in spite of all the evidence that my new boyfriend was a totally stand-up guy I could trust and count on and that every instinct in me was telling me I could trust him, I kept having OBSESSIVE doubts about him.

In order to trust another person you MUST be able to trust YOURSELF and feel confident in three things: 1) your instincts 2) your judgement of character - closely linked to your instincts and 3) your ability to rebound if you turn out to be wrong - which has every thing to do with having meaningful self-esteem.

Which brings me to this. A LOT of women are afraid that their man will be "tempted" by and unable ot withstand the advances of a woman that is "more attractive". There are many men oout there who are scumballs who perpetuate this belief by saying things like, "Guys can't help it." BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. Most men are not only capable of monogamy but PREFER IT. They might look, they might fanatsize occassionally; but, ultimately they want to be with soemone they love who loves them back.

So, if your fear is really that your bf will not be able to resist temptation, know this... The chances are very good he will resist, unless his history would indicate otherwise. It also means your fear has more to do with your lack of confidence and less to do with anything he is doing.

In other words, your boyfriend is right, you need to do a reality check and cut him some slack, unless he has given you a substantial reason to believe he will cheat. One lie (even a pretty big one), in my estimation, doesn't not make someone a liar or untrustworthy. Though, I have to admit, while I was in the midst of dealing with my trust issues, I wouldn't have made that statement.

Take Brokk's advice, talk to him. Let him know you might be judging him to harshly and that you are going to make an effort to deal with your issues and then reevaluate the things he does "wrong". Ask for his support, his reassurance. Maybe even ask him to kind of lay off the club scene TEMPORARILY while you get a better grip on reality. A lot of guys who won't give something up FOREVER, will give up something for a while if they think it will really help you accept it in the long term.

Oh and one last thing, guys do NEED guy time with their friends, just like you need girl time with yours. Having solid friendships make any person's primary relationship that much stronger. It is a commonly held, but completely unrealistic, expectation that one's primary romantic relationship should fulfill all your needs. It can't and it won't, EVER!!!! That's why it is crucial to every person's emotional health to have and maintain solid friendships and relationships with family. NO PERSON can be another person's EVERYTHING, and it is completely unhealthy to try to be that or to expect another person to be it for you.

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Registered: 04-21-2004
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 4:58pm

Let me echo some of the other sentiments expressed: If you trust this man enough to be with him, then it really doesn't matter if he spends "boys night out" hanging out at the club or studying his Sunday School lesson. Of course, he owes you the same level of trust, and when you need a night out with your girlfriends, he needs to be understanding about you doing whatever you and your girlfriends enjoy doing.

Its a false notion that couplehood means you become each others' entire social universe. That's a sure recipe for one or both of you becoming isolated, frustrated, and resentful in the long run. So by all means make time for yourselves, and maintain your friendships. Spending some time apart will make you both more interesting to the other when you are together. And at the same time remember that there's no reason to be with someone you can't trust or who doesn't want to be with you.

--


martinisnsushi - living the good life since 1963

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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 5:16pm

out of all the responses yours really stuck with me (nick91171). Thank you so much. I am actually printing off your response to keep with me. It was like a little bit of reality slapped me on the wrist. We are talking about everything now and hopefully it will get better. But we will see how the weekend goes. My first goal is to not call him on his guys night tomorrow. I will call him Saturday morning when I wake up (we always do that). Well wish me luck.. Have a great weekend everyone!

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