Do you understand this behavior?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Do you understand this behavior?
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 11:09am

My friend met this guy at July 4th party--a couple of our other friends have known him for years and said he's a nice guy.  A few of us were walking on the beach and of course he arranged it so he was next to her.  They went out because he took her to a play for her birthday.  I asked her how it went and she does not like him.  First of all, he invited her to see his house--she figured it would be safe since he was a friend of friends, so not like going off to see a stranger's house--so she said from the outside the house doesn't look like much--it's a duplex (I think) owned with his brother so maybe the brother doesn't want to pay to fix it--but she said inside it was beautiful.  So she said when he was giving her the tour, he kept putting his hands on her waist and she would keep brushing his hand off yet he would keep doing it--I thought that was very dense behavior.  I don't really blame him for trying because he was trying to gauge her interest, but you'd think that when she did not respond, he would be a little embarrassed and not try again.

But this is the oddest thing to me.  She said that when they were talking privately, she could tell that he was very intelligent.  yet when he is with a group, he kind of acts "dumb," or likes to be like the "regular guy."  He's kind of average looking and a tall big guy, so the first impression you might get is the big dumb guy and he does nothing to dispel that.  But I am really wondering why he would do that?  The group that I hang out with is college educated women with professional jobs so it's not like he would not be comfortable saying intelligent things and feel superior to people--everyone else is smart too.  So I can't see any benefit to acting like this.  I don't know any women who are looking for a guy and say they don't want to go out with him because it turned out that he was smart.  My friend thinks he is being arrogant but that doesn't even make sense to me.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-06-2014 - 11:55am

I think you kind of hit on it when you say he wanted to be one of the guys. He wants to try to fit in with this group and many times these guy groups are not exaclty exhibiting brilliant behavior and language. He may think the 'in' group is going to be getting the attention from the women and doesn't realize that being someone who he is not, is not going to do well for the long term because you gotta be yourself at the end of the day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Thu, 08-07-2014 - 5:41pm

It's a lot easier to talk about football, restaurants or what's playing at the movie theater rather than things that touch on values, even if they aren't overtly political.  

Like the situation in Israel/Gaza, he may have informed opinions, but the topic is a little gloomy, and some people have very strong opinions and what's the use of getting someone mad.  In a more perfect world, it could be done easily, but it is hard to pull off.