Does my friend have feelings for me?
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Does my friend have feelings for me?
| Tue, 03-13-2007 - 9:09pm |
I met this guy 7 years ago and we became very close friends and still are. I also am very close to his family, so close that my children were included in the family portrait that was done of all the grandchildren for his parents' gift. I will try to recap 7 years of friendship as quickly as possible. It started out where on the weekends we would all get together (me, him, his sisters, all of our children, and his mom) and take the kids places. We both are in unhappy relationships. We started talking to each other about our relationships and grew closer as friends. He eventually started stopping by the house and calling me. He became my best friend. Anyway, after about 2 years of this, he stopped coming around. I'd run into him at birthday parties and we'd just pick up like no time had ever gone by. It didn't matter if our significant others were with us, we would always end up sitting by one another talking the entire time. Then one night I had to drop something off to his dad and he was there. He started talking to me and his dad politely excused himself from the room. We talked for a good two hours and then for another hour and a half on the phone after we left his dad's house. Our relationships hadn't really improved and once again we found ourselves talking to one another about them. After a couple of months of talking once or twice a week on the phone, we drifted apart again. This time it really began to bother me. We eventually ran into each other again, and like always we began talking. I asked him why he stopped coming around and he told me he couldn't take the way my husband treated me any more. He said he cares about me and my children and it became too much. We kept in touch and I found myself thinking of him more and more. I finally confessed that I had feelings for him to his sister. I also told her I believed he felt the same way about me. She said she agreed with me and that everyone could see it whenever we were together. She also said he would never admit it because I'm married. After three months of working up the nerve, I wrote him a letter saying that I believed if we didn't have children neither one of us would stay in our relationships. I also told him I had feelings for him and believed he felt the same way about me. He avoided me for a couple of weeks and then we ran into one another. I apologized for writing the letter and making him uncomfortable. He told me there was no need to apologize and then we got interrupted. A few days later I asked him to stop by and when he did I asked him if I was wrong about what I wrote in the letter. He responded vaguely saying he wanted things to be different, but he had to make his children his priority and do what's best for them. I tried for awhile to get him to open up alittle more and the best I got was he didn't want to lose my friendship at this point and he didn't know if there could be anything between us. We would email one another occassionally, talk on the phone once in awhile, and once in awhile go to lunch. He would go through these phases where he would avoid me for a few days and then come back around. A couple of times I got very frustrated and would say we need to go our seperate ways. He would become very upset and tell me he needs my friendship and sometimes he gets uncomfortable but he can deal with that. I finally stopped getting frustrated (or at least letting him know I was) and all of a sudden things have started to change. He started calling me more, emailing me more, and making an effort to see me once in awhile. One day I sent him an email and not realizing it I left myself open and he responded with a sexual comment (jokingly). We began going back and forth with it. He did make a reference to the fact that we couldn't do anything because we have significant others, but if we were single it would happen. We have starting talking everyday sometimes more than once. Anyway, the past couple of times I've seen him, I've noticed there is a strong sexual tension present. This man makes me so happy and I really want to persue a relationship with him, but I can't get him to admit his feelings for me. I strongly believe he has them, but maybe because I want him so badly, I'm seeing something that's not really there. Is there something I can do to get him to open up?

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Dear Confusedfriend316,
I understand what your going through.I'm have a very simular situation.I'm a married woman and I meet a married man about nine months ago.Our relationship started out as just a business/friend relationship.As time went by,I noticed that something more was going on between us.We really enjoyed each others company and our time together was becoming more frequent. I told him how I felt about him and our relationship in December.He responed back to me two months later,stating that he wasn't in a position to explan or defend why he didn't repond to me sooner. He said he needed to keep away/stay away. It would be the best thing for him to do. I didn't know what to think.I felt so confused.I know he had feelings for me,but he just couldn't tell me. I emailed him again,about two weeks ago,asking him if we could be friends and if we could meet for lunch. We met for lunch last week and this feeling between us is just as strong as it was before. I just don't know what to think. They way he looks at me,I just melt. I can't stand not knowing how he feels about me. I'm sorry I'm going on about my situation,but I thought you should know, I feel your pain.I think he really cares about you and maybe he's afraid,of what your reaction will be. I don't know what you can say to make him express his feelings for you.This is a question I'm still working on.
-chatgirl2007
I'll toss out a really wild and crazy notion here. Maybe, just maybe, because he's married and loves his wife he doesn't feel comfortable encouraging another woman by admitting his feelings? After all, we may think and feel many things, but it's our actions that define us. If he doesn't act on these feelings, then he hasn't really done anything wrong. At least in some people's mind. Others might condemn him based solely on his thoughts and feelings.
Where I'm lost is why you are trying to get him to admit his feelings at all. Shouldn't you respect his boundaries and wishes to not persue this "connection" you feel? He's married. Why are you pushing this?
Brokk...
Dear Chatgirl2007,
I'd like to thank you for your reply and apologize for not responding sooner. He finally opened up to me about everything. I was right about the way he feels and he admits he pushes me away sometimes because of guilt, fear, etc. Because of our current situations, he knows if we pursue things, it will be a very ugly and difficult road. He wants to, but there is so much at stake, he's just not sure he can. As much as I want to, I'm not sure I can either. I don't know what we are going to do, but at least we are being open with each other. It is such a relief, to not have to wonder why he does things and how he feels anymore. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you feel that something is there, it most likely is. He is probably going through the same guilt, fears, etc. that my guy is going through. If he makes you feel that certain way, don't give up on him. It may take him a long time to open up to you, but if he's really the one, it's worth the wait. Good luck to you with everything.
Dear Confusedfriend316,
I'm glad to hear you have some sort of answer from your friend.For myself,it's getting harder every day. I've have fallen in love with this man. And he know's it! What to do? This is getting out of control. I want to be with him and he still won't say how he feels about me. The guilt/shame must be killing him. I really don't know anymore.What I do know, is that my love for him is overpowering.I feel so lost sometimes.
What to do?
Hi brokk
I thought I'd chip in with this one because you replied to a similar question of mine about my situation - many thanks
I have a question or a point - whichever.
>>Maybe, just maybe, because he's married and loves his wife he doesn't feel comfortable encouraging another woman by admitting his feelings? After all, we may think and feel many things, but it's our actions that define us.<<
Isnt that what we all mean - his actions say one thing and his words another - surely encouragement comes from actions not just words? and surely men know this too?...I do know you are not representing the mind of all men :-) just a thought on your thoughts!
>>Others might condemn him based solely on his thoughts and feelings.<<
Can I ask? ....would you?
>>Where I'm lost is why you are trying to get him to admit his feelings at all. Shouldn't you respect his boundaries and wishes to not persue this "connection" you feel? He's married. Why are you pushing this?<<
Maybe chatgirl and other women involved in relationships this way are pushing this because the men they are involved with got there just as willingly as we did. They helped create a relationship to which they implied commitment emotionally regardless of whether they were free too. I'd say that gives us a right to persue it - we didnt get here alone! :-)
Just a thought and would like to know other thoughts on it - hope it doesnt come accross as too agressive because its not meant that way :-)
Uthinktoomuchgirl,
I agree with you completely.We didn't get hear alone. They know what's going on.
>Isnt that what we all mean - his actions say one thing and his words another - surely encouragement comes from actions not just words? and surely men know this too?...I do know you are not representing the mind of all men :-) just a thought on your thoughts!
By actions I mean something more definite and aggresive. Such as making a pass at the woman, asking them out on the date, making hotel reservations. A definite, undeniable signal for a desire for more.
For example, many people flirt with no intention of moving beyond that. They flirt for the sake of flirting. It's fun and enjoyable. No harm no foul. Now flirting can certainly be a lot more than words. There are looks, body language and often times light or not so light touches. However, that is not the "action" I'm speaking of.
>>Others might condemn him based solely on his thoughts and feelings.<<
>Can I ask? ....would you?
Easy answer, but tough to explain. I personally wouldn't, but my personal views aren't very representative of the population. That's been drilled into me on these boards so much, that I tend to repress my personal views on situations such as these and give feedback that is much more mainstream.
>Maybe chatgirl and other women involved in relationships this way are pushing this because the men they are involved with got there just as willingly as we did. They helped create a relationship to which they implied commitment emotionally regardless of whether they were free too. I'd say that gives us a right to persue it - we didnt get here alone! :-)
May I draw an analogy? You go on a date with a guy. You are both willing partners in the planning and execution of the date, you both enjoy it. As with any date, there is always the potential you two will end up in bed at the end. Later in the evening he pushes for sex and you say no. Should he continue to push, or respect your wishes? You both actively participated in the date to this point, but he wants to take it further and you do not. Even with more dating, you always have the right to say no. His options are to respect you and continue dating, or walk away. He does not have the right to push or force his desires on you once you have made yourself clear.
>Just a thought and would like to know other thoughts on it - hope it doesnt come accross as too agressive because its not meant that way :-)
Not at all. Challenge my opinion, or ask probing questions. It's intelligent conversation. I enjoy it.
Brokk...
Well Hello! ... I've been waiting for you ...(thats not flirting BTW) ;-)
Thanks for your very considered answers...its very interesting I think inside the mind of a man! :-)
>>By actions I mean something more definite and aggresive. Such as making a pass at the woman, asking them out on the date, making hotel reservations. A definite, undeniable signal for a desire for more.<<
Coming from the point of view as someone who has somehow got "involved" - for want of a better way of putting it - with a MM.... Dont you think that if a man is in another relationship he wont agressively persue another woman this openly but more subtle actions can give the same impression whether he is conscious of them or not? For instance if when in a business meeting a MM ..any man! .. .suddenly said when all had left "hey you ..lets get a room?!" ..most of us women would have ran a mile! Most men are far more subtle :-)
>>They flirt for the sake of flirting. It's fun and enjoyable. No harm no foul. Now flirting can certainly be a lot more than words. There are looks, body language and often times light or not so light touches. However, that is not the "action" I'm speaking of.<<
Women do this too and yes I agree its fun and if kept in the right atmosphere harmless. I think it builds self esteem to a certain degree. But I think what we women are talking of here though is 'flirting with intent'. I mean by that regularly and consistantly with the same person within an ambiguous relationship or one that is becoming that way because of the flirting. Dont you then feel that implies attraction and a desire for more interaction of the same/similar kind? and implies some recipriocity (sp) is wanted? He is acting on his thoughts and feelings - isnt he?
I do believe an AWFUL lot of men would take consistant flirting towards them by a woman as meaning "I want your body NOW!...right NOW!"......ok ok ...but at least "I want your body!" ;-)
For instance - two people both married to someone else, who for one reason or another have begun to spend time together - maybe work, maybe friendship? ... those little looks,'come hither, I like you, I want to be near you' body language, slight touches etc...isnt it reasonable for a woman to see that as a sign of desire - as in wanting something more? Maybe inappropriate desire but desire nontheless! A come on! :-)- just more tentative because he remembers the ring on his/her finger? and shes not sure because she remembers the ring on his/her finger.....(.not putting all the blame on him because somewhere I read that mens advances to women are always subconsciously initiated by the woman!)
>>His options are to respect you and continue dating, or walk away. He does not have the right to push or force his desires on you once you have made yourself clear.<<
I agree he does not! ...and nor does she.
But what I mean is exactly that - he hasnt made himself clear. Verbally one thing may be said and non verbally his actions contradict fairly cleary - surely there is a right to ask why the contradiction? and if he clearly says he doesnt want to explain, then the right to expect the behaviour to stop?
In this situation - mine at least - the behaviour doesnt stop it carries on creating ambiguity and uncertainty. The words continue to say "you are only my friend" ..his actions say "I feel a great deal more for you than that" (I think my situation is a little less intense than some others her but generally maybe thats the idea)
............................. I'll be waiting for you! ;-)...and remember ..thats not flirting!
Girl
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