Dying for some womanly advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2013
Dying for some womanly advice.
5
Sat, 08-17-2013 - 7:35pm

Yeah, I'm a girl but in the past few months I've lost a lot of girlfriends and have been craving for someone to talk to. 

I'm four months into a relationship with a guy I met online. I met him when I relocated somewhere I REALLY didn't wanted to be, was lonely because my move essentially zapped out my entire social life and just wanted a new friend. But he turned out to be someone who was there for me when I really needed him and he's helped me through a ton of stuff including being robbed and losing everything. He wanted me to stay with him and get on my feet which took me a while to make a decision on but I ulimately figured it couldn't hurt. Now, jobless and really lacking a lot of resources because my money is SUPER tight I've been freaking out about a lot of things that I'm sure wouldn't be a problem if I had a job. 

First, he has him online dating profile up STILL. He gave me some weird answer like "oh, my friend wanted to talk to my ex blahblahblah" Like, really though? This is the same dude that didn't talk to me for 48 hours because my childhood friend "Mike" texted me because he was worried because he hadn't seen me in months...literally months. My BF has lots of girls that are friends so the hypocrisy is really making me resent him. Just because it says "not looking for a relationship or any commitment" he thinks I'm acting crazy. But when I was on there I had guys whose profiles said that who just wanted sex. 

We never do ANYTHING together. The last time we did anything was about a month ago. I'm really resenting the fact that he drops everything for his friends and ALWAYS has enough money to go out with them but the most he's done with me is play tennis in the past few weeks. If I say anything he just tells me "oh things will get better" but I'm really getting restless and lonely.

I don't want to nag, and I can't really beg him to set some time for me since we're always together but the time isn't quality time it's just empty. 

And yet, he tells me he loves me constantly, is always talking about the future and all these things I've always wanted a boyfriend to talk about with me. How do I overlook these things, he has helped me through a whole lot, got me a promise ring but I'm still so unsatisfied. I don't want to appear ungrateful and although I could just leave and stay with my parents or a possibly a friend I still feel like he has potential and don't want to just leave. I don't really know if I'm being ridiculous....

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 6:53am

Let's see if I have this right:

1. You started dating a man when you were very lonely.

2. You moved in with him after four months of dating because you had no money. 

3. He still has his online profile up and gives a completely lame excuse as to why. He has lots of female friends but gives you the cold shoulder if one of your male friends contacts you.

4. You never do anything together, and he'd rather go hang out with his friends. 

5. He says the things you want to hear but you are unsatisfied.

Yes, you're being ridiculous (you asked). Look, I know what it's like to be in a new town and to be lonely. I was even mugged--so I'm sorry those things happened to you. But honestly, moving in with someone after only four months? And then staying with a man who won't spend quality time with you yet is full of empty promises, and has his dating profile still up? So often I see women not looking out for themselves in relationships. They're so worried about his needs, not really thinking of their own. I've also seen many women make foolish relationship decisions based on economics. 

Four months is just too soon to move in with someone. Since you have other options, I suggest you move out NOW. Don't wait. You can continue to date him once you've moved out, but frankly, I'd want to date someone who was more excited to see me than this guy. You should be expecting a man to be excited to see you and who wants to spend lots of time with you. You're worth it.

Give him back his promise ring and get on with things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 11:58am

Just move out & stay w/ your parents and look for a job.  I assume that you're pretty young.  I have a 24 yr old DD and if she was ever out of work & needed a place to stay I'd really rather have her come home & live w/ me rather than live w/ a guy she barely knows just cause she was desperate for a place to stay.  Plus it puts you in a very unequal position--you're dependent on him & he knows it.  So do you think there's any incentive for him to be on his best behavior because he figures you are stuck there & can't move out.  I would think when you are very new into dating someone, that's when you want to spend free time & have fun w/ the person you're dating--he's acting like you've been together for years, preferring to go out with his friends and not spend time with you.  But hey, he's got a woman around the house so there's available sex whenever plus you are home so you're probably cleaning his house.  He can say whatever he wants, but look at his actions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Sun, 08-18-2013 - 12:29pm

Hate to say it but it sounds like he's doing and saying whatever it takes to keep you on the hook so he can continue enjoy the single guy lifestyle. He loves you, future plans, promise ring...with nothing to back up it up. He probably realizes that you feel indebted to him for rescuing you and may be taking advantage of that too.

I think that his actions are what you can believe here, and you should move out and get back on your feet somewhere else. If he really wants to be with you he can court you.

You don't want to appear ungrateful.....but I suspect that you have been doing the majority of housekeeping while at his place, plus providing sex? Might the scales be balanced when you figure out what you have contributed? You can thank him profusely and send him a gift basket when you get some money, to show your gratitude. If he somehow feels taken advantage of then that's his problem.

In an equal relationship you can express your needs, and "quality time" is a valid need. This relationship sounds unequal and like he calls the shots and has the power, and you feel like you have to accept it because he rescued you. If you really think that its just a communication problem then initiate some dates: a picnic, free day at the museum, etc---I'm suggesting free/cheap things because you're taking him on these dates. If that rekindles things then maybe there is potential for the relationship. If he won't make the time for it or won't have fun then you have your answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 09-03-2013 - 3:47pm

DUMP HIS BUTT!!! I know that right now you don't have a job...barely any money BUT you don't deserve to be treated like this!!!

Avatar for StephanieOC
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 7:37pm
Sounds like he is stringing you along....move in with your friend or parents and focus on you. You deserve to meet that special someone who will treat you like the center of their universe.