dysfunctional relationship?!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2010
dysfunctional relationship?!?
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 9:03am

Hello, my story is quite long but I will shorten it up. We have been seeing eachother for 3 years now. The 3 years has been a very bumby ride, we fight often but also there have been some good times. About a 7 months ago he broke things off with me and said that we should just be friends. Months later I find out from his roomate that he told him that he was going to ask me to marry him but he thinks that I slept with his friend and that is the reason for the breakup. About 3 months later, and he still kept in contact with me everyday, I got mad at him and he then changed his mind and came over and spent the night and things went back to the way they were before and we started seeing eachother again. During the 3 years I have found out that he cheated on me. I always forgave him and we moved past it. So he moved in with me a month ago and from day one he slept on the couch, when I asked if he was coming to bed he would smirk and say I don't know. Some nights he came to bed but no sex. He said he doesn't want to try because it will go back to the same stuff over and over again so why bother.

So, one day I found his cell phone and he had texts on there from the girl that he cheated on me with. He had still ben seeing her. I confronted him and he didn't say anything. I told him I wanted him out of my house and I kicked him out that night. A few weeks, almost a month had passed and he ignored me and I tried contacting him and nothing. I also talk to his sister daily and his kids and I are close and talk almost everyday. In talking to his sister she said he asks about me all the time. So one day I text him and he texts me back. We talk via text and he said he didn't want to be friends anymore but still kept texting me. So we have texted the last few days all day long. Then I ask him if he is stil in contact with that girl he cheated on me with and if he is contacting her and he replies with "you say I cant n y is that" So I assume he was avoiding the question. I asked again 2 more times and he never replied, never answered. So I guess thats my answer.

I love him so much and have invested SO much in him. I helped him with bills, I cooked for him, cleaned, I have all of his things at my house, I buy him things, food, I help his kids, family, everything. BUT when we talk he is such a jerk, he is acting like he doesn't care, I have to contact him, I tell him how I feel and he got mad at me and told me he doesn't want me in his life anymore, and when I ask him so If I tell you how I feel you say you want me out of your life and he said yes because it's the same sh!t. So I know this is crazy but I want to be with him. What should I do? Should I just end it all and hope he comes back? Am I holding this so called relationship together? Should I show him that I am serious because I have always been there for him no matter what he has done to me? Any suggestions would be helpful.


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 6:25pm

Your post is very sad to read. You are like an abused puppy whose master keeps beating them with a stick, but who keeps trying to win that man's love anyway. This is guy is a huge jerk. There is no doubt whatsoever about that. He breaks up with you when you've done nothing wrong, cheats on you, stays in contact with his ex, withholds sex on purpose and then gloats about, etc. He is absolutely terrible for you. How much worse would things have to get before you see that?

So what if you invested three years of your life on doing things for him? So you wasted three years on your life on a man who never deserved any of it. That is not a reason to want to go back and waste another 30 years of your life on him. That doesn't even make any sense. He is not going to become Prince Charming. He is always going to be the evil villain who says just enough kind words to keep you hanging on, but then kicks you when you're down.

It is your life. Nobody else can make the decision of how you will live it. All I can tell you is that if you get back together with him, you would NOT be living a decent life. The drama and heartache you've been going through with will just continue. If you allow things to end, it will take some time, but you would eventually reach a point where you would be happy and content without him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 6:51pm
There is no relationship! He's lied and cheated on you. You've wasted three years of your life on him, but STOP! Move on with your life. Find someone who is going to treat you better.

dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 7:02pm

Purple, I replied to you on Ask The Relationship Saver.

In short, I agree with what has been written here. And I just want to add one thing which I neglected to write on the other board: 3 years is NOTHING in the grand scheme of life. It may seem like a huge waste now - but imagine if you spent another 3 years with him and keep getting treated the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Sat, 09-18-2010 - 9:10pm

I also feel like I answered this post....but I could be mistaken.

Why do you want to be with someone that you have to beg to be with and who has cheated on you?

Why do you feel so low about yourself that you let yourself be treated this way?

These are the questions you need to ask yourself.....maybe if you read your post to yourself...and ask yourself...if this was someone ELSE posting...what would you say to them?