Ending my flirt-ship

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Ending my flirt-ship
4
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 9:21am

After 4 months of flirting with the younger man ("MB") from work I've decided to tell him I'm done.  I came to this decision after he called me again last night and we had a 2 1/2 hour phone conversation.  First I told him how I perceive his actions: that he #1 likes the thrill of sneaking around at work flirting and #2 finds me convenient since he see's me everyday and #3 that he is the male equivalent of a prick tease and he enjoys that power . He denied all of that and reiterated a lot of what he's previously told me: he thinks I'm great, he is totally attracted to me and thinks about me all the time, try's to stay away from me but can't,  feels we have a lot in common, would make a great couple, etc.  He even told me he could easily find himself falling in love with me if we ever went out.  BUT, knowing that he does want to get married and does not want to grow old alone he can't date me because of our 13 yr age difference. LOL, I almost told him that is perfect, just when he would get bored with me I'd die and he'd be free of me.  He told me that any time I want "this" to stop he will respect my wishes and leave me alone.  After laying awake 1/2 the night I'm damning him and myself. Somewhere along the line I've found myself very attached to him because regardless of all this crap I know he is one of the good guys and that I will miss him, not just the flirting, we can have really deep & meaningful conversations.  Unfortunately, right man, wrong age. If he would of just let things alone, let me date the other jerk and not tell me he liked me more then as a friend I would of never known and I wouldn't be in this position. The date with jerk is what started it all - he now admits that even though he really does feel I deserve better then the jerk that he was jealous (speaking of the jerk, good thing I didn't continue with him because he is moving out of state to re-kindle with his ex).  Now I have to lose MB as a friend because there is no going back in time and at this point I can't pretend that I don't have true feelings for him.  But to continue with the flirting only leaves me wanting more and in the end makes me feel like a used piece of crap. Guess I just wish I could understand why he even ever said all the things he did on New Year's Eve when he must of known then that he would never follow through.  Anyway, tomorrow I plan on telling him that he has to leave me alone.  By posting this I am reinforcing that fact to myself. Cry

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 4:56pm

The deed is done. I chose to text him only because I have NEVER called him before, MB is the one who always initiated contact. I just said that I thought we should go back to being normal friends. He gave a quick reply of "whatever you want ma'am. It's going to be hard and strange seeing him at work tomorrow without our usual banter. MB said he is beyond the age of wanting kids and that he never wanted any anyway. I think he thinks I'll drop dead way before him and then he'll be old and alone. I think that's a cop-out but then again I'm not the one 13 years younger. He's not really a player, I've known a few of them in my time as well and I can tell he genuinely likes me.  He might be playing with me but it's definitely not something  he's ever done before.  LOL, I'm his first!  I think he is just confused because he does like me but honestly feels the age gap is too big.  And maybe he's right.  I can't and won't try to convince him it could work. If it's meant to be he'll figure it out on his own.   In any case, I've ended it.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 03-03-2013 - 4:16pm

  I think you are right that:

" First I told him how I perceive his actions: that he #1 likes the thrill of sneaking around at work flirting and #2 finds me convenient since he see's me everyday and #3 that he is the male equivalent of a prick tease and he enjoys that power "

     He is a player.  The way is to play him.  I suggest not allowing him to play games.  The best way is to challenge him.  back up his words with deeds and that you are a player too.   He can be one of your boy toys or he can be gone.

 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 6:13pm

I think you are doing the right thing and that what he is doing is unfair.  If he knows that he doesn't want to have a relationship because of the age difference (something that you can't do anything about) then he shouldn't have flirted and you just could have been friends and still have nice discussions.  What's the point of saying that he's attracted to you & jealous that another man wanted you & then saying basically "but you are too old."  And by the way, unless the issue is that he wants children & you're too old to have them, there is no rule that he couldnt' marry an older woman.  My cousin's MIL is 12 yrs older than her DH and they have been together quite a while.  So it's just his personal hangups.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 2:19pm

buckeyegold wrote:
<p>After 4 months of flirting with the younger man ("MB") from work I've decided to tell him I'm done.  I came to this decision after he called me again last night and we had a 2 1/2 hour phone conversation.  First I told him how I perceive his actions: that he #1 likes the thrill of sneaking around at work flirting and #2 finds me convenient since he see's me everyday and #3 that he is the male equivalent of a prick tease and he enjoys that power . He denied all of that and reiterated a lot of what he's previously told me: he thinks I'm great, he is totally attracted to me and thinks about me all the time, try's to stay away from me but can't,  feels we have a lot in common, would make a great couple, etc.  He even told me he could easily find himself falling in love with me if we ever went out.  BUT, knowing that he does want to get married and does not want to grow old alone he can't date me because of our 13 yr age difference. LOL, I almost told him that is perfect, just when he would get bored with me I'd die and he'd be free of me.  He told me that any time I want "this" to stop he will respect my wishes and leave me alone.  After laying awake 1/2 the night I'm damning him and myself. Somewhere along the line I've found myself very attached to him because regardless of all this crap I know he is one of the good guys and that I will miss him, not just the flirting, we can have really deep &amp; meaningful conversations.  Unfortunately, right man, wrong age. If he would of just let things alone, let me date the other jerk and not tell me he liked me more then as a friend I would of never known and I wouldn't be in this position. The date with jerk is what started it all - he now admits that even though he really does feel I deserve better then the jerk that he was jealous (speaking of the jerk, good thing I didn't continue with him because he is moving out of state to re-kindle with his ex).  Now I have to lose MB as a friend because there is no going back in time and at this point I can't pretend that I don't have true feelings for him.  But to continue with the flirting only leaves me wanting more and in the end makes me feel like a used piece of crap. Guess I just wish I could understand why he even ever said all the things he did on New Year's Eve when he must of known then that he would never follow through.  Anyway, tomorrow I plan on telling him that he has to leave me alone.  By posting this I am reinforcing that fact to myself.</p>

Dating you and entering into a long term, exclusive relationship are two different things.  You two can enjoy each other's company and just keep it light between you two.

However, if you want him to be more than someone you have deep conversations with, then you're doing the right thing.  It would have made a huge mess for you to proceed with him being fine with throwing up these roadblocks.

I find it disingenuous of him to deny the 3 points you've brought up when he is in fact, from what you're describing, doing exactly that which you have pointed out. He may be one of those guys who will think that nothing he could ever do rises to the level of offense.  However, given the fact that the age difference turns him off to the point where he can't allow himself to get past it, there is no point in wishing that he would have let things be.

One thing is for certain if you follow through and tell him to leave you be...  you must stand firm in that when you choose to date other guys, even if he deems them to be jerks.  What he thinks really doesn't matter: those who can, do; those who can't, talk about it.  He's going to talk smack about any man who orbits into you path as long as you give him the ear and the lattitude to do so, so nip that in the bud sooner than later.

Be strong. He made a choice and it wasn't for you.  He no longer gets a vote in who you share your time with. You need to be emotionally free and available for the next man you meet. If you're hung up with this guy, you won't be putting out the vibe that you are emotionally available.