first love

I agree with nhgal that it's less important to ask what he's thinking than it is to ask yourself, "what am *I* thinking??"

You are both moving very close to having an affair. You are cheating already, just not physically. So how far are you willing to go? Because you're going to go a LOT further if you don't make a conscious decision to stop.

I understand what it's like to have strong feelings of love for someone you're not "supposed" to. I know it isn't easy to ignore your heart. This situation is not going to be an easy one to deal with, and you're going to have to decide what it is you ultimately want, and then modify your actions so that they reflect that decision. You can't pursue an emotional connection with your first love and still pay attention to your marriage. It's just one of those things that can't go both ways.

So you have some thinking to do about what it is you want, and whether or not it's realistic. If you and your husband have agreed that you're friends who are only married for the kids until they're grown, then maybe the possibility of an open marriage has merit, but in that circumstance it would be impossible to get TOO close to another man while living with/married to another. There would be limitations.

I wish I could answer this for you and I'm sorry. It must be really difficult to deal with. Hope it works out for you.