FWB, should I just let it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2012
FWB, should I just let it go?
10
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 1:45am

Well, I don't know quite where to start. I've been lurking about the boards for a few days and hope I am posting this in the right board.

Intro: I am female, never married and I don't have any kids (by choice). I had been in a toxic relationship but with the help of my family, I got out and that was in 2008. Never looked back! End of story.

Well, I met met a man through a friend at work and it was understood from the beginning that we are FWB. I am (or was?) fine with that because I was still skiddish about the last relationship but let's face it, we have 'needs'...and self-satisfaction only goes so far. I'm sorry if TMI but for me it's the truth.

Well, lately, as you could guess, I've been developing feelings other than that of 'casual' but they are fading fast...

Let me explain a few things:

1. He got fired (I don't know reason) and it has been close to a year and has yet to find work. He has not really tried, and he felt that he could do his photography as full time. It's not working out quite as expected.

2. He recently told me that he wants to try out the 'nomadic lifestyle' and I just found out while he was on a 'trial run with a rental RV' that he was in another state for a week.

3. That was fine (good for him if it works out) but the other day when he got back, he slipped while talking to me, and said "we" a couple times. Then he flipped back to "I" and "me" statements.

4. I casually asked if he went alone or with a group of people or someone ... he said after a slight pause that he and a girl were out RVing for a week.

5. I brushed it off - trying to ignore my ever-growing feelings. But those feelings soon disipated when:

So, there we are, after having our romp, I showed him some photos that I recently took - he seemed disinterested and then flipped out his ipad and shoved it in my face showing the photos he took while RVing, completely interrupting me. This was not the first time he's done that either. I tried to 'ignore' approach but he just talked over me. So I kept going over mine, then finished. I looked at the pictures he took and told him they were nice but I didn't gush over them either.

He then told me of his plans about his RVing life he wants to follow through within a month. Get an RV for about 18,000 - 20,000. He explained all the computer equipment he wishes to purchase to make sure he can still do his gaming and computer-related stuff (he used to work in computer industry). He also showed me all the computer 'things' he recently purchased as well as more photography equipment. I then asked what his plans were for a job to keep up the lifestyle (after all you need money to upkeep whatever liftstyle you choose). He told me he just wants to roam around the U.S. and find photography jobs or computer jobs and he said he's confident he will find something and his first stop might be California because he has a lot of connections there. He wants a projection screen for the RV so he could keep his 60 inch to 100 inch TV capability, etc.

There's more but not pertinent.

personally, after listening to him for the past few days and his plans, it sounds like he just wants to almost 'avoid' life or avoid getting a stable job. He had said he felt like he was going through a mid life crisis, etc.

I understand these things as I am going through some things myself - to say the least - but the more we talked, the more I got the feeling he is going off the grid (actually his own words) and dropping out of society so to speak.

Well, I realize we are a FWB and that will fade in time, if he actually goes through with his plans, and perhaps that will be all she wrote between him and me. After I think of all the things he has done -nothing physical or abusive towards me - but being rude, self-centered, having sex to please his needs more so, or when I have had conversation with him, he will try to dispell whatever I say and either disagree and come up with something like, 'can you prove it' or 'no that's not right, theoretically it is actually....' type of come backs with him.

I am thinking that if he does leave on his little RV adventure, then just let him go, no looking back, emailing or calling. Chalk it up to another lesson learned and be done...

How would you perceive this? Should I just let it go? Does he just sound 'flighty' and self absorbed to even not bother?

Sorry this is long - but any suggestions or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 1:57am

  Hi Welcome to the board:

Yes you are right let it go.  For two reasons.  One: you and he started with being a FWB.  2nd he wants a different life style than you seem to.  Wave good bye and move one with your career and life.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 2:09am

^ thanks.

Although the whole idea of going out on the road - no one holding you down, or to answer to per se, does sound a bit of a cool adventure, but For me right now, it's not where I am in 'my life' if that makes sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 9:15am

I agree and let it go and let him go.. Sounds like he wants to have a different kind of lifestyle and that sounds great..He is doing what is best for him so you do the same.

Good Luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2012
Tue, 11-27-2012 - 4:47pm

FWB are great for men but not for women, we're too emotional for that kind of stuff. Never tried it because i've always been afraid of falling in love with a guy that isn't in love with me. In this case, fear is good because you avoid heartache and are the offensive player. With that said, you make the right choices until you get bored and move on.

My advice to yu would be to try to avoid FWBs.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Wed, 11-28-2012 - 12:08am

  Bored17 women are just the same when they want to be.  Generalizations are not accurate.  Each person has their own take on each person they interact with.  Some women want nothing more than a booty-call. 

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 10:14am

 

'..How would you perceive this?' - The man just wants to be a free spirit and do whatever he wants to do with his life. And why not? He's not answerable to anyone. He has no kids or, I gather, other obligations. He is free to do just what he wants to, and you can't stop him.

 Should I just let it go? - you should absolutely let it go, although to be honest there's nothing TO let go. He doesn't consider you part of his life or his future plans and he isn't into you at all. He just has sex with you when he feels like it. I strongly doubt any woman over 35 can really deal with that kind of set up. You either don't bother if you're not into a man or you're into him and you feel somethng once you've been physical with him. Simple as that.

Does he just sound 'flighty' and self absorbed to even not bother?  - See above. What he is has sadly got nothing to do with you. His life is his own and he can do as he pleases, phtography, RVs, computers, projectors, roaming around the world or otherwise.

Sorry. This is a waste of your  life and emotions - drop it, move on, don't torture yourself needlessly.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 3:25pm

I think that he was good for the moment's using, but that anything more, he isn't capable of sustaining. 

He appears to be rather threatened by you somehow, almost as if he feels he's in competition with you.  There is something about you which appears to make him feel less than, so he overcompensates by being contrary with you--and it's more than likely all in his head and you're not doing anything more but being your fabulous self.

I vote with let him go float in the wind.  For someone who doesn't have any income, he sure is burning through money, but if he feels that his photography thing is his calling, then he's got to go pursue that. As long as you're not being tapped to pick up his bills, it's all good.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 3:31pm

Bored17 wrote:
<p>FWB are great for men but not for women, we're too emotional for that kind of stuff. Never tried it because i've always been afraid of falling in love with a guy that isn't in love with me. In this case, fear is good because you avoid heartache and are the offensive player. With that said, you make the right choices until you get bored and move on.</p><p>My advice to yu would be to try to avoid FWBs.</p>

There are plenty of women who can handle FWB arrangments and are able to see them for what they are just as there are plenty of men who become emotionally involved whenever they enter into physical and emotional intimacy with a woman.  Not all women are too emotional about sex and love, that much is evident by the posts by some guys who are torn up because the girl they're interested in isn't returning the interest and sentiment in equal measure.

This guy was just on a completely different trajectory than the OP is--the incompatibility would have broken them up had he not had a hankering for wandering around and living off the grid and that has nothing to do with a FWB.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Wed, 12-05-2012 - 11:18pm

Doesn't sound like it would be a working match.

You seem to have your feet on the ground and he seems to have his up in the air.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2012
Sat, 12-29-2012 - 3:03pm

If he has no job, how is he going to pay for his RV and galavanting around the country?  If you go, you will loose your job and there won't be any money for anything.

Bet he tries to get you to buy the RV and let him take it on the road to see if he can make it work...say HELL NO!!!

You would end up staying at home while he "tries to make it work" and loafs around the country on your dime.

I would say "get out now" while you have some diginity left.  He is a user and you are allowing him to use you.