GIving a man space

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
GIving a man space
8
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 12:34pm
Hi all,

Just to get some confusing thoughts off my chest. I have known a man for few years and never came romantically involved before. Recently we have. The thing is, his ex-wife was killed in a car wreck a year ago leaving behind their two sons. Since then he has been the soul caretaker of his sons. I was over at his house one evening and one thing led to another. Since that night the boys have been asking him alot of questions to come to find out. He hasn't spoken much with me since then. I care for him but I also care about his boys' feelings. I am trying to give this man space but I am hoping we can continue our relationship. How should I handle this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 1:47pm
Title: You could try...

...telling him that you'd like to continue to get to know him romantically, and ask him what his thoughts are. I personally wouldn't use the word "relationship" because one booty ride does not a "relationship" make, but otherwise, as a very general, but very strong rule, men prefer plain, straight forward talk. You enjoyed his company, and you were happy to see things take an intimate turn. You are interested in doing more of that, and in some level of romantic involvement (which makes it plain that what you AREN'T asking for is a series of no string booty rides...which really, is all you had).

Honestly, not just in this circumstance, but as a rule in all circumstances, the best way to communicate with a man is to be as plain and straight forward as possible. Don't speak in code, don't infer, and don't hope he "gets it". State how you feel, ask how he feels, then tell him what you'd like.

Hope that helps...

GoGo...who wonders where is it that women learn to make things more complicated than they need to be. Is that a course they teach in the 8th grade during girls P.E. or something?




Edited 9/13/2003 2:02:18 PM ET by gogobear

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 10:08am
Yes, I agree about straight talk to men. However, I really don't know if I should seek him out to talk with him for awhile. I was worried that since he got alot of questions from his sons that he needed space and time to think and didn't need me adding to it. Or maybe, I should go ahead and call and talk with him about it.

Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 12:30pm
Title: "Or maybe, I should go ahead and call and talk with him about it."

Yes.

Answering the questions from his son(s) (it would be helpful to know how old they are, but it isn't terribly relevant) isn't the same as talking to you.

Let me be clear. You anren't calling to nag him, rag him, ask him "why?" a million times, etc. There is no need for "space".

"I enjoyed your company the other night, and I also enjoyed being intimate with you. Did you enjoy it?"

On the presumption his answer is "yes"...

"I would like to see more of you and do more of that in the future, and work on becoming more romantically involved. What do you think of that?"

He will either say yes (which I know is what you want), no (which you have to be adult enough to accept), or he isn't sure, which in this case is a perfectly acceptable answer given the circumstances (having lost his wife in the last year, and given that the two of your were friends prior to her death).

TRUST ME...he already knows how he feels about it (yes, no, or I'm not sure = I'm not ready yet). He has been thinkiing about it since you left his house the following morning. TRUST ME.

What he doesn't know is how YOU feel about it, thus whatever "weirdness" you feel like you have observed between the two of you.

Again...assuming you are adult enough to accept "no" for an answer without becoming a nagging, whinying pain in the ass, the best thing you can do is simply ASK HIM how he feels, and what he'd like.

BTW...asking what he'd like is not "umm...so what do you think we should do?". Tell him what it is you'd like to do, so he doesn't have guess at it anymore, then sk him if he is in agreement.

Plain. Simple. Straight forward. No need for "space". He either is ready to become romantically involved again, and interested in doing so with you, or he isn't. And you could wait around another year or two and speculate, or you could JUST ASK.

Note...there is a good chance you will get different advice from women. Be advised that they are women...lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 1:39pm
Yes. It's included in the "Joys of Womanhood" film they made us watch while you all got to play dodgeball in the gym.

Missed this place.

~Artie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 2:03pm
Title: I knew it!!!

BTW...this place missed you as well. How have thngs been?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-13-2003 - 2:52pm
Good. Crazy. Busy. You name it. It was rough for a couple of months during the summer, but everything is working out nicely now. Thanks for asking.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Thu, 09-18-2003 - 9:16pm
Here I am again after some thought to everything. Guess I better give more info, that would help.

I haven't made a call to this man yet....well, let me give some history. This man told me after we had our "time" together that it had been 7 years since he had been with a woman. He divorced around '96. Then she died a year ago.

My thoughts are "honored to be the first after her" but then I get concerned he is scarred off because of it. I feel scarred too, actually.

His sons are 14 and 17, to just answer your question about ages.

I really don't know what to think at this point. I have been recently separated and hadn't been with a man for almost 2 years before "my friend" spent time together.

This seems really delicate at this time so that is why I feel time is needed although I still care for this man. It can be so confusing.

Thanks, gogo for your advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 2:34am
Title: Well...

....this additional information does influence things a bit.

**"This man told me after we had our "time" together that it had been 7 years since he had been with a woman. He divorced around '96. Then she died a year ago."**


Well, this explains a lot. He probably might be feeling like he has no idea what he should do next. I wouldn't mind knowing why it is that he has gone 7 years since his last intimate encounter (does this man it has been 7 years since he has even dated, let alone been in a relationship), but the bottomline here is that if it had been 7 years since you last did something, you might be a wee bit catious before proceeding as well.

**"My thoughts are "honored to be the first after her" but then I get concerned he is scarred off because of it. I feel scarred too, actually."**

I wouldn't think of it in terms of "scared"...that isn't exactly the emotion I think is in play here, but you do seem to understand. However, I'd let go of the "honored to be the first" mindset...I doubt that he thought of it that way (do you REALLY think he was saving himself for the right woman, or that the opportunity simply had not presented itself?) and it only serves to create more weird tension between the two of you, which you don't need.

**"His sons are 14 and 17, to just answer your question about ages."**

Good. This means they are past the "but what about mom" stage. They are probably GLAD to see him get laid and anxious for him to get on with his life.

**"I have been recently separated and hadn't been with a man for almost 2 years before "my friend" spent time together."**

This could very well be "the problem". You are still married. Thus, he might not feel exactly comfortable pursuing anything until you make YOUR intentions clear. I know I wouldn't.

In summary, I think if you want to have this "relationship" with him proceed, you will need to take the lead since A) Clearly he doesn't have a history of doing so...7 years?? and B) You are actually still married, which would raise question marks for any guy, even if he didn't care that you were.

So...again...you need to make the call. The longer you wait, the more awkward it will be, and the more likely he will have decided you really didn't want anything else.


GoGo....who if he were in your shoes would be more worried about why it WAS 7 years...was this guy carrying a torch for his ex wife...one he didn't let go of until she was dead? He might not be the most healthy guy emotionally....