grown-up dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
grown-up dating
6
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 4:07pm
i am just starting what is really my first "grown-up" relationship- i just turned 24 and graduated college last year still dating my college boyfriend. i have found so many differences between the stereotypical college frat guy type i had been encountering up to this point and the guys i meet now- mostly for the better (what? guys really do open doors for you?) :) but now i am faced with a new set of rules- how work affects a relationship and other things. instead of trying to get me drunk and back to his room, this guy wanted to wait to have sex, and we did recently with a more mature relationship and it meant alot more. he works alot, and is great about trying to call me, but i am used to seeing the guy i am dating all of the time (lots of free time for everyone until now). is it bad if i only see him once or twice a week (but have lots of good quality time)? and one big question: should i worry that he doesn't want me to sleep over? i did a few times and neither of us really slept, just tossed and turned and he said he needed to get more sleep and it was hard to sleep next to someone bu we would "work on it" and it would just take some getting used to. but then i was at his place saturday night, and when i said "do you want me to sleep at my place?" he said "if i didn't mind" because he can't sleep well with me. what should i do? should i worry? is he taking it slow because he doesn't like me or because he does? help! teach me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 9:04pm
Hmmm... I've run into a couple folks in my life like that. Where they have a lot of trouble sleeping next to someone new. It can be a challenge to work though and gain compatibility. If I were you, I would only suggest "sleep overs" on the weekend. When he doesn't need to worry about his sleep, or work the next day. That way you can "work on it" without sacrificing sleep, and making it a bad experience.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 6:47pm
>but then i was at his place saturday night, and when i said "do you want me to sleep at my place?" he said "if i didn't mind" because he can't sleep well with me. what should i do? should i worry? is

Don't assume that dating = sleeping over.

I would not have asked this question. I would have left at an appropriate time. My mother had a saying: "A Lady knows when to leave".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 8:40pm
Title: So this begs the obvious question....

**'My mother had a saying: "A Lady knows when to leave".'**

....does a lady know when to stay as well? And if so, when would that be?

I am just curious as to how these decisions get made, since apparently it is by some means other than simply asking...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-27-2003 - 10:45am
"....does a lady know when to stay as well? And if so, when would that be?"

Isn't staying, simply a matter of leaving at a later time? (such as the next morning)

:-)

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:00pm


"I would not have asked this question. I would have left at an appropriate time. My mother had a saying: "A Lady knows when to leave"."

Well how perfect you must be.

Exactly how does this post help this person. All you are doing in passing judgement on her values. Your post does little to help her sort out her confusion. A woman trying to navigate this very confusing world of adult relationships needs more caring and help not another person judging her actions as right or wrong.

And can you clarify exactly when does a *Lady* leave these days. Do we not have sex at all outside the bonds of holy matrimony or do we have sex then leave right after, 5 minutes later, 20 minutes....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 10-06-2003 - 4:16pm
I know what you mean. I have found myself in the same situation with my current boyfriend. After several months of spending the weekends together we both sleep much better together. We still don't spend the night together during the week due to the demands of work. This is upsetting at times but I decided to trust in our relationship. Sounds easy enough but it's not. Doubts creep up and all those little insecurities can get at you. I have found that when I talk to him about this I feel much better. He assured me that he leaves during the week only because it is easier for him to sleep and it is not a reflection on his feelings. I have to trust what he tells me is true because I'm not a mind reader. He also feels the need for some physical space. I've discussed this need for space with friends and they have all had this experience. These are friends who are happily married to the guy that needed space. So for many men I think that need for time away from us does not automatically mean that they are tired of our relationship it is just a phase of the relationship for them. The only advice I have is to talk to your boyfriend. If this is long term then establishing good communication now is important. Good luck.