Guy Help Needed!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Guy Help Needed!
3
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 3:35pm
Hi. I'm new to this board, but I'm hoping any guys out there may have some advice for me. A co-worker and I got involved late last year, after being friends for quite some time. Well low and behold we were very close as friends, and when we started dating it was perfect at first, but as time went on it got very complex.

Both of us are separated, and getting divorces, but his is much more complex, he's been separated 2 years and has a son. Well the son and the soon to be ex-wife became quite a hitch in our "early relationship". He would cancel plans with me on a dime, if his wife would call to ask him to take his son. I didn't mind at first, but then realized quickly how I would never be as important to him as his son and that is hard as a woman (with no kids) to deal with. Yet he claims I was the most important person in his life...and he never met someone he cared for as much as me.

Low and behold after some time we decided to stop dating. It was extremely difficult on both of us. There were other issues, me struggling to get my divorce, etc. Anyway, now that we aren't dating...I really miss him. I know we could have worked out if it wasn't for all the "crap" in the middle out of our control. But now that we stopped dating, he rarely talks to me. He claims he wants to be my friend...but I'm confused. Some days he'll talk to me, other days he won't. Some days he'll IM me (after work) and then he won't even say a word to me in person. Monday he drove me to my appt. after work (I'm without a car for a few weeks) and he offered (without me asking) to drive me the next few weeks until I have my car again.

So I'm so confused. I mean, he's 35 and I'm 28. When do the games stop? Is it a game? I feel like I lost my best friend, but I don't know how to talk to him. I really want to suggest dating again, but much slower, but my gut says I should wait for him to suggest that.

So I need some guy advice. Why on Earth is he so confusing? Does he want friendship, more or just to be civil and I'm just lost?

I'm on edge...I want to send him an email to ask if we have a chance in the future, but again, I'm not sure how wise that would be. I couldn't bare for it to get worse.

Thanks...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kah74
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 5:27pm
My advice would be - don't date him until at least a year after both your divorces are final - it is not his ex-wife - he is not divorced - it is his wife - that might give a little more perspective with respect to his conduct, as well as the fact that he is a father.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kah74
Thu, 04-10-2003 - 6:04pm
Let's see.....you're officially broken up...and he's helping you out due to your vehicle situation. HE's occasionally polite and friendly...and just as often is rude or inconsiderate.

Seems to me that he's doing for you want he wants to do...and what it is likely working towards is no-obligation sex. He doesn't want a relationship or else he'd be with you becuase he knows he could be and that you want that. HE can't control what he can't control, and I suspect those uncontrollable issues are still around based on how HE conducts himself with his wife and she's using vistation and the child as a pawn.


So, give to hinm what you what him to have...but you know what he wnats which is not a relationship or else he'd be in one.

A relationship is obligation, commitment and responsiblity regarding your partners needs, wants, desires, and requirements and goals. Lots of people aren't into working.

But the benefits of a relationship are sex, fun and companionship...nobody is adverse to benefits, especially if they don't have to have a job to get them!

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kah74
Fri, 04-11-2003 - 9:28am
I'm not so sure Erin. To me, I didn't read this as the guy not wanting a relationship, but just wanting the benefits. From what she said, he hasn't tried to get her into bed once. Just the opposite, he's offered her rides to/from work. That's effort, without reward. Not to mention her lines about why they broke up.

"Low and behold after some time we decided to stop dating. It was extremely difficult on both of us. There were other issues, me struggling to get my divorce, etc"

Doesn't sound like the description of a guy trying to avoid the work of a relationship.

To the original poster... It doesn't sound like games to me either. Unless you consider the mother to be playing games by calling him at the last minute. I don't think you are playing games with each other at all. It just sounds like a difficult situation, that will take a lot of work to make it work. Since it sounds like the breakup was mutual, he could be in the same boat you are. Missing you, but not wanting to step on your toes by "asking you back".

My advice would simply be to talk to him. Open the door. Tell him you would be willing to start dating him again. For outside reasons, he may not be ready at this time, but it would put the ball back in his court in case he is ready anytime soon.

Brokk...