Guys- please help me...
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| Thu, 12-28-2006 - 11:03am |
ok I am on the rebound. I recently just broke up with my boyfriend of two years and one of the reasons i did was because i like this other guy. We started casually seeing each other (nothing exclusive) and lately he hasn't been respecting my boundaries although we have talked about it. I told him I wasnt ready and he said he understood; he gives it like a day and tries again!
Last night after a fiasco, i told him i didnt want a sexual relationship and i dont understand why he can't give me that and he asked me if i was sure to the response of almost a scoff. I asked him why he asked me that and he said, "because i was hoping you would say no." Does this mean he is not interested in me as a person but more as a goal of getting me bed?! I'm really wanting this to work out, i really like this guy, but he really has to change his attitude when it comes to sex.
Come on guys, need your input PLEASE!

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Hi starwisher
I'm not a guy, but grog and speak pretty well the language of male.
I was wondering, how long you have been dating this new guy? Ya know, for the most part for males, the ultimate goal is sex; but if he's really interested in forging a real relationship, he will respect your boundries and actually respect you more if you are not so quick to jump into the sack with him. There are plenty of women out their willing and able, and you make yourself different and interesting and rare by staying true to yourself.
Now, you say in your post that you told him that you didn't want a sexual relationship. Do you mean right at this early stage of dating him or never? He maybe taking this as *the* challenge to change your mind. Men are funny that way...well, actually, we all love a challenge ;)
clarity
when i said i didnt want a sexual relationship, i meant at the moment. I've only been with one other person and not ready for that again.
This guy and i are not even technically dating.
We started casually seeing each other only last week and i really hate to think i have to stop seeing him because his sole interest appears to be sex and when he gets what he wants that will be that and he will disappear. But, i really like him aside from his bedside manners... and i dont want this to be the end of it.
Well, I'd say stick to your guns. If he's interested in a relationship, he'll respect your wishes. If all he wants is sex, he can go find it elsewhere. Do not compromise. It takes a few months to get to know each other...feel each other out...make an emotional connection.
Once men achieve their goal and release, they tend to be clearer thinkers; whereas, once a woman achieves release, her judgement becomes clouded. We don't want any cloudy thinking :)
I know there are some who will disagree and say that they had sex right away or rather quickly into the R and everything turned out just fine. That's the exception to the rule.
Men like it when their *interest* holds back...otherwise, they think she must do this easily with other men. They like to think they were the only one to get to have you...not virgin like...but not easy.
Good luck and stick to your guns, girl :). Keep me posted on how things progress.
clarity
First off, never ask a woman to explain a man. What a great idea for a good comedy though :)
Next, what he meant is that he's the kind of guy that doesn't mind a challenge but to what extent you will never know till you hold out long enough and he bails. BTW that is his time limit.
Last, he is happy that you have taken this stance because it tells him you are a psuedo-virgin... not overly promiscious.
Men are such simple creatures... when will women learn? LOL
"I know there are some who will disagree and say that they had sex right away or rather quickly into the R and everything turned out just fine. That's the exception to the rule."
I wish FighterChick were here for this. She'd love this one. She insisted on sex early on (first or second date) to get it out of the way and find out if they were compatible in that area. If that's all he wanted and bailed, then that worked out perfectly for her. Now she didn't have to waste her time dating a loser who was *only* interested in sex and only pretended to be interested in her. She almost dumped her hubby because he held out until the second date.
For every black there is a white. For every up, a down. "Holding out", so a guy thinks your prudish about sex and more a virgin, tells you a lot about a guy if that is what he's looking for. It's not all positive either.
The key to relationships is finding someone you are compatible with on as many levels as possible. If a guy wants a real challenge and dates you for three months to bed you, there is no guarantee he's going to stick around after he gets what he wants. No more so that if you give in early that he will or won't stick around. The important part is to be on the same page for values and desires. If you are in no hurry, then find someone else who is not in a hurry. I think your time with this guy is not going to be well spent, as you both have clearly different values and goals. I don't invision a happy ending to this one.
Brokk...
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Brokk
This gave me a chuckle :) because I can relate. I was involved with another guy when I met my current SO; and SO was soooo slow to make any advances to the bedroom . My SO is from the old school, and he was courting me and told me later that he didn't want to rush things because for him love had to come first....imagine that..LOL. Anyways, it was a really good thing there was an overlap of two months because I was still gettin' some from my previous guy. I don't think I could have taken it if there had not been :)
So, although I am not a proponent of sex right away, I agree that it certainly has to be gotten out of the way within a reasonable amount of time before going too far into the future with the R. None of that after we're married business.
Oh, and about there being no guarantee that a man will dump you even if and after you have held out, you are absolutely correct sir :)
withclarity
How, holding out just for the sake of holding out is just wrong, and if you think that further into the relationship you might take it to the next level, then be honest with him about that. Let him know that you are "interested", but just not ready, which is completely okay and fine, and you should NEVER sleep with someone just to hold onto them. I am with the other poster, stick to your guns, and be true to yourself, but also be honest and understanding with him.
Angela
Hi Glenn
I had to laugh :) Men are indeed simple creatures and it reminds me of this list about what men want and what women want. The list for men to make women happy was quite long; whereas, the list to make men happy included only 'show up naked and with a six pack'...lol.
I hope we're learning :)
"Anyway, what about all the guys who are waiting until marriage for sex?"
What? All 6 of them? Talk about a small sample to base comments on. Might as well be talking about all those guys with three nipples, though they outnumber the guys waiting for marriage by too large a number.
I think there are plenty of guy who value things besides sex (though they value sex as well). We don't have to go talking about 40 yo virgins.
Brokk...
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