For the Guys...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
For the Guys...
12
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 12:10pm

At the risk of sounding paranoid and insecure and jealous...I have to ask. My SO and I have been together a little over 2 years. In general, things have been okay, but there are a few issues. For example...old girlfriends call his house fairly regularly, and he will not answer these calls when I am present...only when I'm not around. He says he doesn't want the hassle of talking to them when I am there. I say, WHAT IS THE BIG SECRET?!? He can't control who calls, and I really don't think he's cheating on me, but I think it would be more respectful of me and our relationship if things were out in the open. This has bugged me for some time, and with every discussion about it, nothing is solved.

Another issue I have is that I have never met his youngest son, or seen his one year old grandson, and that really hurts my feelings.

So, what do you think, guys? Paranoia city or legitimate gripe? Thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 1:13pm

I have mixed feelings about both. The ex-gf one can be a bit weird. Some people seem to think you should never have contacts with ex's in any manner, so maybe he's just a bit gunshy to interact with them when you are around. Some might say he's being *more* respectful because he doesn't want to use his time with you to talk to them. Just other ways to look at it.

Having a grandson means he must be a bit older. So I'm not really sure of the rules for family introductions. If he's really close to his youngest and his grandchild but has kept you away from any interactions, then I would take offense at being shut out of that part of his life. If he's not too close, then I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I wish I had more definite feelings on the topic for you.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 2:26pm

Thank you for the input. I hadn't thought of it that way. There is one thing I should have clarified...one of these old flings is SERIOUSLY after him. He says he has told her time and again that there is no hope, but she persists in thinking that by sheer determination, she can win him back. I have no reason to think he has anything going on the side with her, it just bugs me that he trys to be kind to someone that is being anything but kind to us!

As for the age thing, he is 61, I am 48. Since his divorce (after 30 years of marriage), relations with his boys have been a little strained; so I do understand him wanting to "court" them into his life a little. But I don't think I need to be shut out after all this time...I'm not just a one night stand. I'm just trying to add a little happiness to their dad's life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:07pm

My friend is dating a guy who has a lot of contact with ex-girlfriends. He went out to dinner with one once and actually told my friend "So what if I was thinking about having sex with her - I didn't" Friendship with someone who wants more doesn't work. If he's continuing a relationship with a woman that he KNOWS wants more than friendship I would say it's inappropriate. He's keeping her hopes up and ignoring your feelings in the process! Not cool either way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 6:46pm

Thanks for validating my feelings, at least. He always says I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess the thing that feels most disrespectful to me is that he won't take the calls in front of me. I know she's not wrapped too tight, I feel sure he isn't screwing around; this could become a private joke between us if it were out in the open. All the secrecy just sounds like he has something to hide.

Sometimes I do feel sorry for the woman. This kind of thing has gone on for years, and (he says) nothing he does seems to get through to her. Other times I want to knock her block off and say, "Leave us alone!" lol.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2005
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 7:00pm

He's not trying hard enough - if he stopped taking her calls or returning her calls she would eventually realize she no longer has a hold on his attention. He could also change his number.

If he takes all other calls in your presence but NOT ones from other women something isn't right! Stand your ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-1999
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 8:17pm

Well I think you've answered your own question in both camps. If I had to regularly fend off good natured advances of an ex-gf without being rude to her, I would feel uncomfortable doing it in front of my current gf. From your response to the other poster, it sounds like you already are being territorial, so why should he invite trouble by talking to her in front of you. Lastly, if she had the power she would try to break up you two if she felt you were in her way of getting what she wanted. Yet another reason to insulate you from her.

On the kids front, if his relationship is shaky and they resent the divorce, then bringing another woman into the picture would further alienate his kids. He may love you, but he doesn't want to put further strain onto an already strained relationship with his kids. I think you need to keep it all in perspective. To make you feel better, he destroy what's left with his kids. I'd be gunshy about that too.

On the ex-gf front I'm not sure what to tell you is the best course of action. What you are really pushing for in his mind is to drop these ex-gf's from his life. That can put a lot of strain on a relationship as well, when someone in your life is trying to push other people out of your life. You force him to make a choice. That's not always a good place to be. Choices don't always turn out the way we want them to.

Brokk...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Thu, 07-20-2006 - 8:14am

I appreciate the insight...sometimes a person gets stuck in their own mindset, they can't see other alternatives. The man is question reasonably well known in our town, knows TONS of people, and is very friendly and helpful when he can be. A friend of mine once said,"He is nice to everyone, but he LOVES you, so chill out." He also has a point in saying that if he wanted these other gals, he could have had them before I came along.

So, basically, I am being my insecure, paranoid self! I might never like the fact that old flames call him, but maybe I AM making more of it than there is....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:20pm

Why do his former girlfriends call him? Perhaps they aren't his 'former' girlfriends.

Some people will cheat right under your face. They then, tell you that they are not cheating and that you are paranoid.

Maybe you should have a healthy bit of jealousy.

One woman trusted her hubby so much that she didn't question him about anything he did, she did this for years. She suppressed her suspicions and when it became quite obvious that her hubby was cheating, she regretted trusting him for so many years and became quite angry about the years she put up with all her husband's deceit. Don't be like her.

I hope you can resolve this problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2006
Fri, 07-21-2006 - 8:38pm

Is he in a committed relationship with you? Does he want to marry you? It could be that he might feel that he doesn't want them to know about you because he is not going to take your relationship with him any further.

Why not ask him these questions? good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2004
Sat, 07-22-2006 - 11:11am

Well, this is where my conflict comes in...how can you REALLY know what is in another's heart? Marriage is certainly no guarantee of fidelity and security. All any of us have to rely on are words and actions...and he has been very good to me. We don't live together; but we do see each other almost every night, so if he is screwing around, he has more energy than I give him credit for...lol.

These gals do know about me; I have spoken to one of them very casually in the past, so it isn't like I'm a big secret. But these phone calls that are veiled in secrecy are disturbing. On one hand, he could be insulating me from their venom. On the other, he could be encouraging them to keep his options open...I just don't know. And it is this not knowing that keeps me guarded and apprehensive. He has repeatedly told me how leary he is of marriage after his first wife cleaned him out financially, and it's not that I'm that hot to get married. I have two young children that are my first priority for the next several years. It's just that I feel that if there is nothing to hide with these gals, why hide it? I believe secrets only invite suspicion and uncertainty, and they are causing me to pull away to the point of taking a stand and having "the talk."

If I really decide I can't deal with it anymore, I know what will break it. All I would need say is,"We get married or we break up." He would leave skid marks...lol.

And, so it goes. Sometimes I feel like it is no big deal, and I wouldn't want any further committment anyway, and sometimes I feel like I'm just fooling myself with an "I don't care" attitude to protect myself from getting hurt. In the meantime, thank heaven for these message boards.

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