he got married while still together

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
he got married while still together
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 12:24pm

this was posted on another forum, but i'd like to get male view on this and more responses.

this is the only information i'll provide:

my recent ex and i were still officially boyfriend and girlfriend when he visited the country where he's originally from, and he told me he plans to marry me in few months. he permanently lives here. when he returned back here from his trip he told me he was pressured by many people to marry someone else while he was abroad. he said he asked a girl to marry him who he was told to meet while abroad, so they're now married. family pressure is tough but it was his final decision. she's not here yet, but will be coming here soon.

how do i get over this betrayal?
why would he'd even say we'll be friends, we have time to hang out so no rush to meet, and says when the girl comes here i can meet her. why is he saying these things when he's already hurt me a lot? friendship isn't going to work in this situation since he didn't marry me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 3:15pm

Wow, that sucks. As for how you get over the betrayal, it will take time, but you can do it. Give yourself time to grieve, pick yourself up and go out and have fun. Do you have girlfriends? Get together and go out dancing, to dinner, to the movies, anything. Just go out. Take time for you. Go get a manicure, pedicure, massage, whatever it takes to make you feel good. Cut off all conversations with him. If he tries to call you, ignore it. If he emails you, delete it, etc.

Seeing as that's the only info you'll give, I don't have much else to say. Though I am curious.. How long have you two been together? He told you he planned on marrying you in a few months, but were you ever given an engagement ring, or anything? Did he actually propose to you?

dscf4525_border.jpg picture by nhgal2006

"Friendship isn't about whom you have known the longest,
It's about those who came and never left your side ...."

28999825.jpg picture by nhgal2006

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 3:28pm


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 3:42pm

thanks for replying. the relationship was almost 2 years. we talked about us before getting into a relationship and becoming girlfriend and boyfriend to see if both of us wanted the same thing. i told him if i get into a relationship with him i'm looking for commitment and don't want to get hurt again as i did in my previous relationship with someone else before. he told me he isn't going to do that (meaning he doesn't plan on hurting me), he said he wants the same thing in this relationship, and his plan was to marry me one day.

he told me that he hoped he and i get married soon when i saw him before he left. no proposal and no ring, but seems like he was telling me this because i was concerned that his relatives might pressure him to marry someone else while he's away. my concern was how he'll react to any pressure. he told me not to worry, that we'll still be together when he returns here, he'll see me once he gets back and that's when he said he hopes to marry me sometime next year. unfortunately everything changed when he returned. he said he just went with what others told him (to marry someone else) abroad and married another girl.

Edited 9/6/2010 4:06 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 4:06 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 4:07 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 4:08 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 4:09 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 6:50 pm ET by angelhh153
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Mon, 09-06-2010 - 3:51pm

thanks for your response.

i didn't want to go into details that's why i said that's the info i'll only provide, but what i can add is we are different cultures. his parents were not happy that he and i were together.

if a family isn't open about different cultures or interracial dating, then it's up the two people (the couple) to stand up for each other. he said he didn't stand up for him and i when his relatives told him to marry another person. that really sucks. he didn't contact me at all when all of these were happening abroad. he actually wasn't going to reveal it to me that he got married. his plan was to only respond to me through e-mail and say he was engaged, but he eventually revealed he actually got married when i asked for more explanation. the question that i really wanted answered from him was did he already know about her or talked to her before going to his vacation. although he claims he has only heard and talked to her when he was overseas, but who knows.

hope this situation never happens to anyone. he has moved on quickly because he has someone else already. people can put pressure, but ultimately the final decision was his which he is not willing to accept. he's a grown up person, and i'm sure he decided himself. i'm very hurt.

Edited 9/6/2010 3:53 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 4:01 pm ET by angelhh153

Edited 9/6/2010 4:02 pm ET by angelhh153
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2010
Tue, 09-07-2010 - 3:29am

Wow. That sucks.