He has commitment issues?
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He has commitment issues?
| Wed, 02-28-2007 - 3:01pm |
I need some opinions. I have been hanging out with this guy that i really enjoy for a few weeks. He calls me sporadically and very last minute to do something. It can either be on the weekend or during the week, it doesn't matter. On our second date he tells me that he likes me, but he has commitment issues. But I didn't understand the extent of his issue because he was coming on kind of strong. I saw him 5 times in 2 weeks. Even one time he came back to my apartment and he slept over (nothing sexual happend)and he left in the morning. So after he slept over, I didn't hear from him in 2 weeks. I got a call from him this past saturday to go for a drink and i wasn't doing anything and i really do like him, so i decided to meet him at my local pub for a few. He once again slept over and nothing major happend. But we had a great time - he does all the right things, he makes me feel really good. But he is constantly bringing up the fact that he has these issues. I told him that i wasn't going to chase after someone that doesn't want to be caught and that he should just relax. I tried to be really light and breezy and told him that there was no pressure. He sends so many mixed signals and I just dont' know what to do...if i should pursue this, or end it before it gets ugly. I will be 33 and he is 36, so I don't have that much time to waste...but for some reason I can see myself with him... (I have known him since august - but only recently started to hang out). Can anybody offer any insights or guidance as to how to handle this time of person? Oh and the reason he claims he has these issues is because of his ex-girlfriend that he moved to another state for and was involved with her for three years. He keeps mentioning how he had no freedom. (just thought I would add that)

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Funny about your situation, i have had many friends give me the same advice when i was askin your questions, seeing it from someone else makes me open my eyes even wider than i have been here lately. Glad to meet ya.
Thank you for your response. Funny enough, he actually called me the day I posted this and asked me to go out that night. I actually did have plans, so I told him that I would love to meet him, but I can't because I have a prior commitment. I felt good turning him down. But, who knows when I will ever hear from him again!!! I guess I will find out. The question is, how long could I continue to ride this emotional roller coaster? It hasn't been that long, maybe a month...but I just hate not knowing where i stand. You mentioned that you were/are in a similar situation - how did that end up?
One thing I have learned is that when a guy either says or shows you the way he is...believe him.
Yes, be prepared for a roller coaster ride. Something you should consider is that men with committment issues can fall in love, too. And when that happens - oh boy. I've been in a relationship with a great guy for 2 years, and he definately has committment issues. You can't hold on to them too tight. The closer you get to them the farther they will run, and when you back off they come running back to you hard and fast with lots of attention and affection. If you really like this guy you will have to let him do the chasing.
Shalna_bee
Absolutely right again. I have been wanting to tell him that, but its funny because I feel that anything I say to him will just push him away and he will be scared and run for the hills. I almost feel like I am saying things to him that he wants to hear and its not really what i feel. I need something more stable in my life - not casual. Like, right now I feel that he will never call me again and he just called me last night. He makes me so insecure. Also, I want to call him so badly today and ask him to join me and my friends on friday after work for happy hour, but I can't do that either because I have to let him chase me, right? Is not contact on my part best? I guess I will really have to play by "the rules" if I want to try and see if he will at least try and really get to know me before bolting out the door. Was your boyfriend this bad in the beginning? If he was, what did you do to get him to commit? I really don't know if I could put myself though this anymore...I don't mean to sound neurotic, but I guess I am just the type of person that needs to know where I stand and not be played for a fool and if he is really genuine.
Thanks again for the advice.
I had no idea that he was this way, ofcourse. We both had been divorced for about a year. He asked me out while he was going thru his divorce and I declined and then about a year later, after turning down alot of other men for dates, I decided to go out with him! He came on really strong in the beginning and I played it cool. I didn't call him - at all for the first month or so. It was fun until I started really liking him and found myself waiting on his calls and hoping that he would keep asking me out. I didn't even think that I was attracted to him in the beginning but there were other things about him that kept pulling me closer. After a few months of seeing each other I realized that he had a problem with commitment. Not just in relationships, but almost everything. Getting to know more about his childhood, parents, past relationships help me to understand. He does not even realize that he has a commitment problem! We got along so well and never even argued about anything until we were together about 6 months. Guess what we fought about? I wanted more. He told me no.
We have discussed getting married but it's always a very short conversation, leaving me with more questions.
Sorry about all the details but I can only give you advice based on my personal experience. I would be careful with this guy especially since he has already admitted that he has commitment issues. This could just be his way of having his cake and eating it too. I don't think that I would bend those "dating rules" at all with him.
Shalna_bee
I think that a person with real commitment issues has them because of fear. My bf's parents divorced when he was young and it was a nasty divorce. His mother has been married three times as well as his father. His father passed away when he was 24. Anyway, it took him eight years to finish college. He is 40 years old and he still doesn't know what he wants to do when he grows up (he has had jobs and owned his own business, but does not have to work because of an inheritance). He and his first wife lived together for 10 years before he would marry her - she was pregnant - it lasted three years. See where I'm coming from?
I do have a hard time dealing with it. What makes it so bad is when I throw my hands up in the air and say the heck with it all - he comes back stronger than before, with promises and affection all that stuff we love so much. How can you turn him down?
Wow - what a story...I can understand why he has these issues. I also understand why that would be hard for you to turn down...all his affections etc... It is such a hard situation because he doesn't mean it and he does love you. But you have to ask yourself what you want? Do you want to be re-married? I don't mean to offer you advice, but it seems that are not 100% happy with the direction this is going in.
I just find it amusing that after I got this all out and have been writing, I kind of answered my own questions. I was re-reading what you wrote and what I wrote and I just seemed so unhappy and unsure of myself and of him and that I deserve so much more than that he is willing to offer. And no man is worth all this agony that he is putting me through. Why does everything have to be so hard?
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