Is he saying something with his silence?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Is he saying something with his silence?
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 12:46pm
I have been dating Bruce for 10 mos. It has been an extemely incredible and fulfilling relationship. We immediately started talking future. He is 43 and I am 33. I am independant and successful and desire to be in a "healthy and mature" relationship.

Things were wonderful up until a month ago. I accepted a gift of money from an old male friend. Bruce's sister felt he needed to know and told him without telling me that she did this. He had known about it for months. Last month I decided I should tell him myself. Although nothing was involved other than the friend lending me the money, I felt I should tell him. However as I started telling Bruce, I realized that the timing was not right. It was on the phone and I wanted to tell him in person. He lives 500 miles away and we make an effort to see each other every two weeks. I began the conversation by asking him if he felt it was deceptive that I was emailing this old friend. He wanted to know if there was anything else to the story. Since I decided to wait until it was in person, I told him no. He asked me again?? Again I said no. Then he revealed that he had known about the money and felt totally betrayed by not only accepting this gift while I was dating him, but by not telling him the complete truth. He was sooo dissapointed in me. He thought that he could competely trust me. I left him alone for a week. That is when he told me that he was numb. He hated feeling that way, but he was just totally numb and HE NEEDED MORE TIME. However he warned, that after some time, he may only be able to be friends.

I started crying and trying to justify why I took it, and tried to minimize my reason, however he said I was only digging my self in deeper. He had to go.

I left him alone. A week later, I wrote him and said I accept full responsibility for this. If friendship is all he can offer, I will offer my friendship in return.

A few days later, I wrote him another email telling him that although I made some mistakes I was always so loyal to him. I appreciate him. NO reponse.

A week later, I wrote him a simple email, telling him that I was soo wrong for accepting the money, I was soo wrong to not be truthful and I promise I would never lie to him again. I hope as in time, we can restart this relationship.

Now....Bruce is a total stand up guy. He is very focused and mature. One of the reasons I was attracted to him. I also am driving his truck PLUS I am very close friends with his family especially two of his sisters. They set us up. I can't beleive that he would just walk away. We defintitely had plans of marriage and future, right up until the night this all came out.

I have no plans to contact him further. I feel that he definitely wants his space. And of course I am very well aware of the Cliche's "If he is meant to be...yadda yadda yadda!"

Today is his birthday. It is killing me. I have also asked his two sisters not to mention anything in regards to our relationship to him. If he wants to discuss it with them, I again asked that they keep it between them. I don't want to hear anything through them.

He has never called or said..."Jus..this is over." Is his silence because he is still thinking? Or is it a clue for me to move on???

What is your take?

Thanks for the advice.



Avatar for mamma2my3sons
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 4:14pm
Clearly to *hide* the information that you accepted money from an "old male friend" tells you that you *knew* there was something wrong with taking the money. . continue to lie, even just by omission, just compounded the duplicity.

An "independent" & "successful" woman (as you described yourself) does not typically accept cash gifts from "old male friends". In one paragraph you describe it as a "gift" in another a "loan"-#1 Which was it? An "independent" & "successful" woman doesn't usually drive someone elses vehicle (is your car in the shop?, #2why are you driving bf's truck?)

#3Is this "old male riend" a past lover or someone that *wanted* to be one? #4WHY was the money offered to you in the first place?

I think the answers to these questions are key.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 5:07pm
I'm not sure I agree with Mamma2, but I, like Mamma2, am not sure why you accepted the cash in the first place, and I agree with her that it sounds a bit dodgy with being successful, accepting the gift, and receiving a loan. I don't think I can give you a complete answer either. I don't, however, think I agree with:

>A week later, I wrote him a simple email, telling him that I was soo wrong for >accepting the money, I was soo wrong to not be truthful and I promise I would never lie >to him again. I hope as in time, we can restart this relationship.

If you had a good reason to take the money and you felt that he was an appropriate person to help you out, then you shouldn't apologize for it. Stand up for what you did. This Bruce seems to have particular issues with this, but that doesn't mean he is justified (and again, I don't know the monetary details, so maybe his response is justifiable). BUT, just because Bruce is upset does not automatically imply that it is something worth being upset over - he could have some personal chip on his shoulder and isn't handling it well.

My advice, try to consider objectively why you took this money, and whether Bruce has a right to be upset. If not, then stand up for your actions and don't apologize for something you aren't sorry for.

And don't call him on his birthday. You've done enough calling/emailing.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 5:32pm

She posted additional details on another board about her relationship with the "old male friend" that made it clearer why Bruce might have been upset.

However, I personally think the only thing she did wrong was to lie about the money...and I would have a hard time getting past that lie if I were Bruce.

In any event, I agree that she needs to let him make the next move.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-03-2003 - 5:36pm
Hmm, so there was more to it.

Anyway, agree with Sheri - lying (or failure to disclose information) was perhaps not the best move.

But if the original poster had a good reason to take the money, then apologizing for taking the money is insincere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 10-05-2003 - 12:22am
They say "hindsight is 20/20", so learn from this mistake. Apparently this "stand-up" guy has a very hard time forgiving this mistake. In hindsight (I know, too late now, but remember for future reference), you could have told him on the phone, "Yes, there is more to the story, but I'd really rather talk to you about it in person."

If this guy can't get over it and forgive you, then he's not right for you anyway. You might not see it as a lie (and given the context of your post, you probably felt it was just an omission), but HE did. This demonstrates a fundamental difference of values between the two of you. (can you see red flags waving here?)

Understand please that I'm not judging you for not telling him the whole truth - I can see nothing wrong in what you did, nor in his response to you. I'm just pointing out that this first squabble over money/lie/omission is a warning sign of bigger arguments in your future if you stay with this guy. Sure, you could promise to never withhold information from him again, and stand by it - but is that something you could do easily? Does that fit with your personality and lifestyle?

As others have pointed out so well on this board, it makes no sense to change yourself to suit the wants/needs of others. First figure out what YOU want, then find someone who's compatible and fits you - don't change yourself to fit him, unless it's a change that you truly want to make and would make you a better and happier person. For YOU, not for him.

Whether his silence is a sign it's over, or he's still thinking, I couldn't say - that all depends on the person, and I don't know this guy. I would say to you not to worry yourself about which it might be - just drop it. You've apologized profusely and done all you can to salvage the situation. If he can't accept that, then he's not right for YOU. Just give him as much time as you feel is appropriate, then move on.

Just food for thought...