Is he slowly leaving me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Is he slowly leaving me?
11
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 2:17pm
I've been dating this man for 6 months now. We've even been on a nice vacation together. He seems to be calling less and sometimes I only see him 1 night per week-end now. He's wonderful to me when I see him and he calls about 2 or 3 times per week. We go out to dinner, sometimes rent or go see movies, go to parties that my friends may have. He said we were in a committed monogamus relationship. Sex has slowed down some but is great when we have it - once or twice a weekend. We don't see each other during the week because we are usually busy with day to day stuff. He doesn't make weekend plans ahead of time. Waits til last minute. I feel he assumes I'll be available. Doesn't hang out at bars or with the boys very much at all. Has hobbies and a home that keep him busy. However, with warm weather coming, I'd like to see him more during the week. Is this slowing down usual in this stage of a relationship? Do you think he is trying to get rid of me? Or maybe keeping me around just for weekend companionship when he wants someone around?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 3:22pm
Title: Have you asked HIM?

The best way to get an answer to this, versus specualting...is to tell him how YOU FEEL (versus accusing him of ANYTHING), and then ask him for his thoughts.

"I feel like I am seeing less of you than I used to, and with the warm weather coming, I actually would prefer to spend more time together with you. What do you think?"

He might have some reason for the drop off in time together...something major in his life, or perhaps soemthing that is just distracting him. He might offer an explanation you can understand and then deal with accordingly, or he might not.

If he doesn't offer an explanation, AND doesn't change his behavior once you have made your expectations known, then you will have some insight into how important you / the relationship is to him. Right now however, you are only speculating, seeking answers from people who don't know EITHER of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 3:47pm
I've posted something similar on another board, where I worry that the slightest change in behavior is a sign of something bad about to happen. I mentioned that I happen to be the type of person who worries more than others maybe, and I'm actually working on that. My bf and I have dated for six months too. I think talking to him in a non-confrontational way may help. He may or may not open up, so just expect that. I think things do slow down and fall into place around this time because the courting/honeymoon period should be wrapping up and your true colors start to show. The question is, is it something you're comfortable with? Do you need a bf that spends more time with you as opposed to friends? What I also keep trying to accept, is that as long as I'm being the best person I can be, they are going to decide to either stay with me or leave me...nothing I can do about it will change that matter. So if he is backing off, trying to get him to pull closer to you won't help. I know...you just want to KNOW! I so know the feeling. But here is what I was thinking. I get a little paranoid when he may falter from stuff he's done in the past, i.e., call me every Monday. So on a Monday that he doesn't call, I get scared he is backing off. But, there were a couple of weeks that I was cooking big dinners for myself and I had tons of leftovers. I would bring them to work and let him know that there were some in the fridge if he wanted any. I haven't been cooking as much so I haven't been bringing any in to work. Do you think he is sitting around saying, "hmm, no leftovers! she must not like me anymore!" Of course, that is not true, and I seriously doubt he had any concerns about it. But the situation can easily be turned around. So the thing is, just try and be patient and give some space and go ahead and make your own plans. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 10:54pm
Hi,

Thanks for your response. I appreciate your input. I don't want or need to o be scolded.

Like I said he doesn't spend a lot of time with the guys.

I sometimes wonder if he's holding back because I'm not as receptive as he hopes. Could this be possible?

Today he sent an email saying I'm never home. I told him I would be home tonight but he didn't call. Later I called him (which I rarely do) He called me honey several times and seems happy to talk to me. However when it comes down to reality he didn't ask me out for tomorrow night.

Oh well.....

I'll wait for that 6:15 call (after he works out)... Usually like clockwork....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 11:56am
I'm really in the same boat you are. My bf's parents are in town this weekend and I've never met them (see Meeting the parents, post). He asked me to go to dinner on sat. That's all I know. I saw him at work yesterday and at first he was kind of grumpy and I just went about my business. Saw him later and he was very friendly. I called him at his desk later in the day to ask him a question so I just left a message. Never called me back. I emailed him my travel itinerary for a work trip we are both going to be taking. No response. If Erin is reading this, should would say dump him, he sounds like a jerk. But he isn't a jerk, and is not calling me once overreacting? I will be pissed, however, if I don't hear from him until the last minute about what time and where we will be having dinner on Sat. Like you, you seem to get that call at the last minute, and I'm getting a bit tired of that inconsideration. Especially in the type of situation where I'm nervous anyway. Why have I been feeling like this the past week? I mean, there have been times before where I might not get a call back (very rarely) but I don't remember freaking out as much. Do I know something instinctually that I'm not acknowledging? Ugh!!! I feel for you too! :( I hope we get some answers soon.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 4:46pm
Like Gogo, I don't understand why you don't just ASK him! You're afraid of being *scolded* if you do, did I read that right???

Do you know what he's looking in a relationship? Ask! Maybe for him, companionship on the weekends is all he wants, on an ongoing, indefinite basis. If that's not what YOU want, then you need to end it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 6:09pm
I cannot believe how familiar your situation is compared to my own. It is as if my relationship was a mirror image to yours. I have been dating this guy for about 5 months now, and he acted the same way! He was always very busy with his job, and we would only see each other once or twice a week. He'd call me for a date at the last minute, and I felt like he was playing me like a fiddle. The only thing that I can guess why these guys are doing this is because they feel like they don't have a challenge with you. He knows he can make plans with you, and you will say yes every time. This may sound hoakey, but I bought a book when we first started dating called "The Rules". (I strongly suggest you get this book!) I followed everything the book said and I'm not kidding when I say this, but it really worked. I couldn't beat him off with a stick (at first). When I felt like I no longer needed to abide by the so called "rules" the calls did not flow as often as in the beginning. Guys have to keep "the game on" in order to date you. You have to be a challenge to them. You have to go about your business as a single chick that is independent, with your own house, your own money, and your own career. The moment that they think that you "need" them, away they will go. I went off the path by being too available, waiting for him to make plans, and when he didn't, stupid me... I called to ask what was up. Don't do that! I'm now filling up my schedule with things to do. If you don't answer his call everytime (and that is extremly hard to do because if you are anything like me, you are dying to talk to him) he will begin to think that he might lose you, and before you know it, he will call 2 or 3 times until he gets you. Be busy sometimes, and make him call you! Guys are like cave men, it's all about the hunt! Make him feel like you have to pencil him in because you have yoga, tennis, or whatever it is that you choose to fill up your time. I don't necessarily think it's playing hard to get, I think it's more on the lines of I have my life, I was doing this and that before we met, why should I change who I am for him? Guys can't stand that! Don't get me wrong, this whole strategy is extremely difficult to do! I have fallen head over heels for this guy, and it KILLS me sometimes, but it works to "keep your game on" too! Don't think about the risk. I was worried that if I continued to do my own thing he would think that I didn't really like him. Well, that's part of the challenge to him that keeps him interested. Be distant, don't express how crazy you are about him, and see what happens. Guys are simple minded. Don't talk about marriage and babies. All guys automatically assume that's all you think about anyway, and that's why we are dating them. Prove him wrong that YOU are independent. If marriage or kids come up, avoid it. My guy loves to bring up marriage, and I ride over it like a speed bump. Do bring up major deciding factors around him that normally couples would do together (except YOU are making this decision independently). Example: (I got this idea from the book by-the-way)I have an apartment, and I was getting close to the end of my lease. On the phone one night, I subtly mentioned to him that I needed to renew my lease or decide what I wanted to do when the lease expired. He didn't have a response over the phone really, just a "heh" kind of thing that guys do, but the next time he was over at my place, I had three real estate magazines on my coffee table (on top of the remote of course). Then, the ballgame changed... he said, "Are you thinking about buying a house?" I said, "Yes, maybe...I like this one right here, and I'm supposed to go look at that one there tomorrow." The next thing out of his mouth was, "But, I have a house, why would you buy one?" I blew it off, and said, "Because that's YOUR house." The next weekend he asked me to move in with him. I'm not saying that this strategy will work for everyone, but it definitely has been in my favor with him. I'm not planning to move in, I'm just glad that he feels that way about me. I renewed my lease for another six months, and I'm going to continue to follow the rules. Just remember, when you get that "is he leaving me" feeling, say to yourself, "keep your game on, keep your game on, keep your game on". Be a challenge! Good Luck!

Molly

>>>}

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-05-2003 - 7:01pm
And then, of course, some women actually HAVE full lives and don't need to "fill up their schedule" in order to "prove" to their SOs that they are independent, because they truly ARE independent!

If you have to play games to get and keep a guy, the only type of guy you're going to get is going to be a game-player. Now, if that's the kind of guy you *want*, great, but that's not MY cup of tea.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 2:28pm
I meant to write last Friday but I got a little busy.

I went with having a non-confrontational talk with my bf. I asked him if he would like to have lunch with me (something I never do, so he knew something was off). I like to keep work/personal life as separate as possible. Anyway, I said that it was in my personality that it made me feel good when someone called me back after I called them, even if it was only to say, "hey, I'm busy but I'll call you later." I said that his parents coming in to town was important to me too, so knowing ahead of time when to meet and where was something that I would like to know ahead of time so I can prepare. I said I respect his space and time and I knew that he was slammed at work, but that it's just something that is important to me. He held my hands and looked honestly sad that he hurt my feelings. He said that he had been letting things fall to the side with work and his family's visit. I asked if there was a reason behind it and he said no. He was very apologetic. Now, of course this could be just words to appease me at the time, so only time would tell if it made a difference. I think it did, and I felt better. I met his family on sat and they seemed to know a lot about me, thereby assuming he has talked a lot about me. He is very close to them, so I knew this was a good sign. He was also very warm and affectionate around me with his family there, showing me that he is comfortable expressing himself around his family with me. Things have definitely been more normal since then. The advice I took from most people here is to talk to him, however, practice what you are going to say and try to not make it sound like a major "issue" in your life. Then he would know that he got a girl with a lot of baggage. Hey, who doesn't, but it doesn't' have to play a major role in your new relationship.

Something you said about filling up your schedule. I agree with the last post that you should do this because you really want to, and not because you are trying to play a game. Your post made it kind of sound that way and you might not have meant it that way at all. I think you are doing a great job and maintaining your independence, and lets face it, we all play a little bit of games in relationships, just don't let it be something you always do. The part about not answering his phone calls. I laughed because I have thought the same thing. But the fact is I want to talk to him. I'm certainly not waiting by the phone or calling him 10 times a day, so if he calls and I answer and he thinks, "well, she is too easy to get a hold of, I'm going to dump her because I need more of a challenge," then screw him! I don't need that type of guy in my life then. It's certainly not needy to answer the phone and talk to him. If you keep doing that, you might send him mixed signals and he might be thinking, "is she leaving me slowly." Just be yourself.

My best advice to myself that I keep saying over and over until I truly "get it" is, be the best person you can be, if he doesn't want you at that point, then there is nothing you could have done to prevent it. Like you, insecurity plays a role in your relationship, and that is not being your best self. So try to work on that if you can.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 10:02pm
GOD THIS SOUNDS SO FAMILIAR!!!! I HAVE HAD THIS HAPPEN A MILLION TIMES AND IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW. i just had a fight with my guy of 8 months and he said "i can only stand you for three days at a time." what a jerk!!! well heres what i say... i am leaving him alone for about a week or two and will see what happens. usually that does the trick with this one. he is great usually and the problem that you may be having is taht you have no idea where you stand with this guy. that needs to be crystal clear before he plays you like he does. at least yours calls you... mine and i are in love and we have a great relationship but he never calls and hardly ever comes over my place. i think i am going to deprive him of what he needs for a few weeks until he starts staying over my place. excuses excuses they are full of them and we know what else. but if he is good and suppossibly the "one" then it will all workout for the best. quit worrying about it and do what you want to make yourself happy. forget about him and hell come running fast. dont worry- it will all be ok!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Tue, 05-06-2003 - 11:38pm
It was surreal reading your message because I could have written the exact same thing. My boyfriend and I have been seeing each other for 15 months and we see each other less than ever. We both work and I'm in graduate school and that leaves little time for each other during the week, so we always see each other once a week, either Saturday or Sunday. The thing is, the weather is warming up here as well. Also, he bowls in a league once a week, but that has ended until September. My classes also end for the semester this week. I have a day off next week and thought he could take a day as well and we'd spend some time together. He then informs me that he'll be in Chicago for a job-related course the entire week. When I said, "You're going to be gone the whole week?," he asked me what the big deal was since we don't see each other during the week anyway. Like you, I assumed with our schedules loosening up, we'd start spending a bit more time together. Obviously, the two of us are not thinking along the same lines. But I agree with the other posts, talk to him about it. That's the only way you're going to know what's going on. I plan to do the same thing.

Pages