is he up to something?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
is he up to something?
15
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 10:34pm

i've been with this guy for 2 years now. we've discussed moving in together several times but it seems like when it comes time to actually do it he changes his mind.
he goes through these spells where he won't call me for days. he won't respond to my text messages, and he silences my calls when i call him. but then, just as i begin to hate him, he's the sweetest guy in the whole world. he does everything a woman could ever ask for in a man. so, of course, i forgive him because he's so full of promises that things are going to change, that he's done with all his bs. things go good for about a week, then bam, back to the A word.
i'm so torn because on one hand, i know i deserve better. but on the other hand i'm actually in love with this guy. i have never felt this way for anyone. i would rate my love for him pretty close to the love i have for my children, and i don't know why. there's just something different about him, when i look into his eyes it's like comfort (if that makes any sense) it's like he talks to me through his eyes. i can actually FEEL what i feel in my heart.
we have a very close bond without even speaking. but why does he need so much space? is this just a guy thing? he says he doesn't want to have to answer to someone, he calls it "checking in". i told him it's not "checking in, it's respect". if he wants to go out with his friends on a saturday night, i feel he should tell me instead of leaving me hanging. he feels he shouldn't have to.
it's like he wants me to live with him but then again he doesn't.

i just don't understand. sometimes i think to myself, just accept it, it is what it is. is there better? why does he have so many colors? what's with the txting but not answering? i'm hearing that one alot lately.

come on guys, be honest, why don't you answer?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 1:38am

Rainy, I'm not a guy, but the reason he doesn't answer you isn't rocket science: It's because he doesn't want to. It's because at that particular time, you're not a priority to him.

No, it's not a guy thing. There are plenty of men out there who don't leave us hanging and wondering. You're just settling for one who doesn't care about your feelings.

If a guy I was dating disappeared from the face of the earth for a few days, I'd dump him. No questions, no discussions. Just cut and go. I would have cut your boyfriend loose a long time ago.

Lastly, what is the "A" word?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2010
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 11:51am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 2:27pm
Yeah, you guys are right. I should have dropped him a long time ago. And I think deep down inside I know that but just don't want to admit it to myself. It's hard. It's not like this is a new relationship, so it's not easy for me to breakaway. I guess I'm just holding on to what used to be with the hopes of a happy ending. Things weren't always this way.
Thank you so much for your opinions. I don't have much family or friends to vent on so thanks for listening to me whine :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 9:32pm
When a man tells you to stop "checking in" don't! I am a man and I can tell you how annoying that is you are not his mother! No wonder he wants space!! You have become a pest!! You have no right to know where he is what he is doing etc. If you want to get rid of him keep it up.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 9:55pm

i understand your point, trust me. i know i'm not his mother and i'm not acting like i AM. what i'm saying is, when saturday night rolls around and he doesn't answer his phone or return my calls, why can't he just say "babe, i'm going out with the guys tonight" if that's the case?

im not asking him to check in, but after two years of a committed relationship i think that it would be respectful if he just let me know why he's not answering my calls.

and i'm not one of those girls who needs a phone call every 20 minutes of his whereabouts. but it would be nice to hear from him at least once a day. is that asking for too much? is that pesty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Sun, 06-06-2010 - 10:42pm

Sounds like he gets really sick of you very easily.

Regarding "checking in" - You two have different perspectives and neither of you is wrong. If he feels annoyed by you keeping tabs on him, then that's a valid opinion, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT YOU AGREE! He's a separate human being with his own individual reality and you both have incompatible views on how a relationship needs to function.

Relationships are challenging enough as it is; choosing to stay in a relationship that is inherently difficult is condemning yourself to misery and endless frustration. Your real, overhead problem is the fact that you're hanging onto a relationship that just isn't working. I know how hard it is to leave someone you're in love with and who seems like he has the potential to be great all the time "if only" he would change a couple things... But you're doing yourself no favors trying to force this relationship to fit when it just doesn't. And moreover, this guy could really care less about you.

You're basing your life on feelings, and you're suffering for it. Forget about the way he looks into your eyes, that's a trap nature created in order to get you to mate and carry on the species. It's not possible to have a harmonious relationship with someone you're not compatible with. You can't force this guy to be the one you want, and if you really think about it, you don't want him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2010
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 12:04am

Listen to the crab! I echo I do not tell where I am going. Anyone who would be so childish would be low on my totem pole. It is NOT respect but desire for control. Once a day? Truly that would be a giant annoyance! I have many things in my day and dealing with a needy female is not one of them and he seems to feel the same. "" but it would be nice to hear from him at least once a day"" Do you realize how that sounds? It is like you are a young girl not a woman with her own life to lead.

Yes, that is pesky.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 5:00am

Rainy, I'm in complete agreement with you. My dating experience tells me that the far majority of men are not like your boyfriend. Yes, it's simple courtesy to let you know that plans will be different to normal.

In my experience of committed dating, there's an assumption of spending a certain amount of free time together - unless he tells you otherwise. I've NEVER had a man not tell me what his other plans are if he can't be with me.

Of course, it is a man's perogative to behave like your b/f and xxxs. However, it's your perogative to show him the door.

Personally, if a guy was treating me how your guy treats you....he'd have been history long ago. Where's your self esteem?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2007
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 8:50am

You ask "where's your self esteem?". Good point. The answer is I have none or maybe very little. I've always been that way.
But i AM trying to take control of things. I haven't spoken to him since Friday. And I don't plan to. It hurts like hell right now but I know it will pay off in the long run.

Thank you all for you opinions :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Mon, 06-07-2010 - 6:02pm

Rainy, you say you haven't spoken to him. If you plan to never speak to him again, not answer his phone calls, block his emails and un-Friend him on Facebook then good on you.

But if you're giving him the 'silent treatment' to show your displeasure, then you are doing the wrong thing. Instead, break up with him. Breaking up with a person who's not answering their phone is super easy because you don't even have to speak to them!

If you decide to do an offical break up (as opposed to simply ignoring him forever) don't give him a reason. He's obviously not into explaining himself, so why should you put yourself through that discomfort?

Just tell him that you don't want to be with him anymore and are moving on. If he asks why, just reiterate that you don't want to be with him anymore. If he keeps hassling for a reason, just tell him to &^%# off. Treat him as he would treat you.

This guy obviously thinks the world revovlves around him and could do with being brought down a peg or two.

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